She closed her eyes, resisting the urge to squeeze her eyelids lest the lump in her throat would reveal her secret in tears. She kept her eyes shut for a few seconds laying her head on the headrest; she breathed in deeply and sighed. She looked out the window. The plane was still on the ground. She swallowed hard which hurt pressing on the lump in her throat. The lump was in her throat yet it hurt in her heart. She loved him so.
Love.
Love.
Love.
It is a confusing subject; love is.
He was different to her but was it love?
She missed talking to him when he wasn't around but was it love?
She desired him when she was afraid, when she felt happy, when she was unsure of herself, when she was thoughtful, when she was thoughtless. But was it love?
He said he loved her once. She looked at him with a smirk but his gaze was serious down on her face.
He repeated the phrase later. He promised. For ever.
She realized that they grew more comfortable as time passed. They laughed more. They talked more. They disclosed more.
She wondered if it had to do anything with love. That they shared so much about their thoughts and their fears and their dreams and their plans and their past and their future. She recognized she wasn't like that with anyone else. But was it love?
Then one day, one very ordinary day, he brought out his huge upright hiking backpack and put it in the bedroom. He had laid out all his hiking gears on the bed. T Shirts. Orange whistle. Fleece socks. Flashlight. Sleeping bag. Water purifier. Headlamp. His one-person tent. First aid kit. His lip balm. A dry bag full of food supply enough for a few weeks. He announced that he was set out for a hiking trip by the Pacific Ocean. That he was hitching a ride to the trail in the morning. That he didn't know when he would be back. He said that all with a smile.
The next morning he was gone.
The love word.
The promise.
The "for ever".
She packed her stuff in a carry on in an afternoon a few days after. She felt she was moving very slowly. She was in a haze ever since that smile.
She bought a ticket online for the next morning.
She looked outside the window again. They were ascending. She laid her body on her seat. Closed her eyes and wished they were just continuing to ascend "for ever".
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