Saturday, May 20, 2017

How She Does It

She cares for her children
She attends to her house
She wants to meet with friends
And is generous to invite
She has a career and excelled in it too
She solicites the help of her husband
And she won't nag, nag won't get him do
She hasn't been sleeping
Certainly not hours in rows
She thinks realistically, as what pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding does
She thanks God for her mood
Her strength, her charms, her smiles
For her blessings and friendships
Even for the ignorant ones
She takes life easy and prioritizes her wants
She feels content, patient, grateful
And takes it one day at times

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Keep Your Heart Open

"Keep your heart open for giving and receiving."  This is the closing remarks at our yoga session each week.  Our guru always says the phrase and yet I think I realized it just recently.
At yoga when we say Ommm, at home when my A is listening to rock music, or when I was particularly enjoying some worldly subject, I would feel slightly guilty.  Presumably my heart should be conditioned to receiving spiritual topics and those aligned with my path.
I feel now I want to keep my heart open and give and receive.
So when on the yoga mat, say Ommmm and not feel guilty or change it to Huuuu lest my heart would be contaminated. "Enjoy a little".
When at home grooving to beats, let it be. "Enjoy a little".
When a dress sits well on your earthly body, feel feminine; even dare to feel sexy. "Enjoy a little".
Let your heart grow and keep it open to the experiences of both worlds. "Enjoy a little".
"You are the desire, Kaaba and idol-house are mere excuses."
Yaa Kareem



Mark This Day

Yesterday I rode my bike to the cafe I was meeting JM at; JM is a business acquaintance we sometimes exchange ideas and generally network with.  It was less than a mile away; it took me less than 12 minutes to get there and I was breathless when I arrived.
Five months postpartum. So mark this day.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Motherhood

I have been a mom, thanks for my dear sunny son, for almost 11 years now. I was a mother. And sometime recently, I stopped being one. I was a caring grown up pal perhaps.  Teasing and playful. Protective and watchful. Not a mother.
A mother, I reckon, is above all compassionate by recognizing, accepting, and forgiving. A mother is loving.
Today I stopped being a pal and resumed motherhood by prioritizing compassion and love. I got disappointed at one occasion today though. And found it detrimental. 
Children forgive easily. Yet they don't accept the evolved role instantly. I feel I need to be 100% what I want to be, at all times, without failure for them to acknowledge the new mom. Hence that one glitch appeared detrimental to my newly revised self. Yet I choose to be compassionate toward myself too. Acknowledge my shortcoming, accept it and forgive it. Tomorrow is a new day. 

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

To Work or Not To Work

This is the question.
I have reached a point where my body is not cooperating with me working full time in a demanding Vice President role of a Japanese Startup in Silicon Valley and caring a 3 month young baby and two other kids and managing a house and socializing with friends and keeping my long distant relationship with my family abroad fresh and energized.
My body has started giving in.
My mind says I can pull it off.  I know I can.  Yet I know it takes a toll from me.
My heart is torn between my professional dreams and my love and longing for my baby.
My ego feels bruised and defeated when I think about quitting.  As if I got defeated.  The ego cares about what people say; "of course she couldn't manage with three kids."
I feel so uncertain and the funny thing is that I think I am certain.  I just don't want to admit it.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Woman Professional

I have stopped proving myself.
I have stopped smiling for the sake of the other person's easiness in talking with a strong woman.
I have stopped scenapring myself, or presenting my ideas as a plea or meek recommendation.
I have stopped wanting to be accepted.

Yaa Hakim!

Performance Review and Growth

Strip self from feelings, positive and the opposite, and then see the employee in the simple light of facts. This, I realized, is the art of performance review achieving which may prove to need self discipline and control.

Yaa Latif!

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Cost

I was reading Good Enough Parenting by John Philip Louis and Karen McDonald Louis while I was on leave.  The other books on my lap were my spiritual books, namely Nobody Son of Nobody of our beloved Abu Saeed Abolkheir.
Now today alone, amid feeling sick myself and tending to a sick baby Y and attending to A's schedule and playing with m, I was reading management articles.
This, I reckon, is only one of the way being a full time working mother affects the piece of mind I could otherwise have with being simply a full time mom.
There is certainly a price for everything.
Grateful!
Yaa Hakim

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

At the End of the Day

After work I sometimes find myself continuing with the thoughts of the work.  Revisiting the events of the day.  What I sent in an email.  What I said in a conversation. ...
I feel these revisits are more to my detriment with a nagging noise within who criticizes me. I don't like this voice.  Yet it is there.
Today's, after one of these revisiting episodes, I realized one critic stood out: that I had assigned one task to a member of my team.  But this doesn't deserve a critic, does it? That task was new.  Still, not critic-worthy, right? But I did it with a bit of contempt, because I wanted him to know who the boss was and also to show him he didn't know as much. Bingo!
Going forward, I will stop before saying, I'll pause before sending, I'll make sure what I'll end my day with is smile-worthy.; that I'll feel content afterwards.
I'll do my best.  Not more.  Not less.
I'll make mistakes but I know I will try my best not to.
Yaa Sattar Huuuuu

Monday, December 12, 2016

The Heart is Warm

There was a dark moment in her life. A moment that was gone but the fact that it was there made her sheiver with disbelief. So dark and cruel, so scary. How could she have thought like so? She didn't want to look back lest the darkness of that moment would suffocate her.
It was a dark moment in the past but the guilt and worry made it ever present.
She gathered all her conviction and looked in the eyes of her past self.  The past self appeared miserably lonely and scared. She felt tethered and incapable. She doubted herself and her environment. She appeared as a helpless child in need of understanding and shelter. The present self suddenly understood herself and grew compassionate toward herself. She told her how she witnessed her loneliness and doubt; how she observed her lack of confidence and strength at the moment. She told her how she accepted her as she was, fraud and weak at times; dark at that moment. She told her she understood her still.
She forgave herself and loved her. 
The dark moment transformed to a shear experience now. 

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Heart Multiplying

It's amazing, this heart, which fills with love beyond anything else when one falls in love. Then one becomes a parent and experiences love of a different kind that fills one heart yet the already existing loves remain intact or increase too, thanks to the compassion a new parent feels. Then comes another child and one thinks one's heart will divide yet instead it multiplies.
Such is how I feel. Grateful for every moment of it!

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Newness

I was born. I was loved. I was abandoned. I was taken care of. I was wronged. I was guided. I was cursed. I was nurtured. I was left to wallow in guilt.
I grew up. 
I learned to cope, to hide my emotions, to support the family no matter what. To study and thrive and grow more independent.
I grew up.
I moved away and I yearned for the love I was deprived from. I built a new life and rebuilt it and built it yet again. I kept silencing my true needs and feelings. I felt guilty every time I desired the forsaken childhood I was deprived from.  I talked myself to sleep at nights. I screamed at my childhood in the restless nights of my adulthood.
I grew up.
I saw my fears. I surrendered to them. Finally, I faced my fears. And I came out of this more knowing and accepting.
I am leaning now what I desired was real. I'm learning now that what I yearned for is my right. I am learning now that I was indeed wronged and I deserve to feel mad and not feel guilty about it.
I'm also learning that it is my life, now, here, and no place for that childhood. No room for that adult.  They are embedded in me, but they are not me.
I grew up. 
It is my time now. To cherish what I really am. To look for the Divine within and around. To be and not to act. To take the control of my life.
It's my time, now, and forever, to reinvent my life. 

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Change


This is the season for change. Leaves to turn colors and fall, winter flowers to bloom, citrus trees to harvest, and rain to wash the roads for the new to come.
A birthday just around the corner.
And a new birth to hallmark the new chapter of our lives, enshala.
It's time to sit down for a change. To simply ponder on the miracle of life growing within me. To watch the cloudy sky and imagine the moist and rain drops. To go for a walk and get wet for a change. To sip on tea with friends, and nothing else, for a lazy afternoon full of presence. To read a book. To chat w the man of my life about nothing and everything.
Change is here. Let's change with it. 

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Taking Refuge

I feel extremely tired. Physically and emotionally. I wish there was a refuge. I wish there was a book or website or place I could go and breathe a bit and come back anew. Alas.
I feel under pressure from many angles. Raising kids, managing sibling rivalry, practicing presence, letting go of work. Work.  It worries me. I'm concerned about my position. Will I need to fight back for my rights again? Oh so be it! Right?

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Importance

I'm learning that one's reaction to her provoked reactions due to a certain event is a discovery. The reaction is to be observed and analyzed, cherished and accepted. The a reaction is the manifestation of what's really important in her view of the world.
I have felt at alert in the past week. I have felt a maternal unease in ensuring that my kids were fine and would be fine. Even though I know it's God who is the sustainer and not me.
I think this is a time of crisis. Everyone is revealing what they care about most. It's amusing to watch. 

Monday, November 14, 2016

A Few Days Ago

Dear America,
You disappointed me.
I left a home I loved and sought you in pursuit of better lives. I left the land of poetry and art, history and spirituality, four seasons natures. The land that had earlier in my life made a wrong turn, in my opinion.
I became Canadian because Canada was welcoming, it was high tech and orderly, it was nicer for the time being. But Canada had no suitable jobs for my husband and me. So with a 3 month old we emigrated once more.
I must say you were not welcoming. You kept us waiting in the secondary checking before boarding our plane to our destiny. We lost our flight. Our baby boy was tired. We were heartbroken.  Yet we came. We thought it was temporary. It was not the majority. We hoped may be it would get better.
And it did, somewhat. A few years later Obama made the country hopeful again. He seemed genuine, honest, and grounded. The secondary checking was released.
As soon as we settled, we labored and we paid taxes. We bought a house with our savings paying interest to your banks. We endured some racist behaviors even in this blue state of California. Yet we remained respectful, friendly, and neighborly. 
We raised our kids responsibly. Teaching them about the law and purity of the heart. Telling them they were no different being emigrants.  That the whole country was made of emigrants with a united dream of better lives for those who perseveres. We taught them to respect everyone including themselves. 
Then we watched you carefully in this recent election. We were first appalled at the candidates you chose. We were disappointed to realize once again that your democracy was really a dichotomy. We were disappointed that you decided to vote for a certain candidate, some for the first time, despite his positions about people and money. This is what you were waiting for?
My dear America!
You disappointed me tonight. I must say I am proudly Canadian, proudly Iranian, proud of our accomplishments and friendships we have made in the US. And tonight, I feel ashamed to have chosen you as home for my children when I have to tell them we emigrated here for better lives but don't take clues from the majority.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Time to Call A Friendship Over

Friendships evolve over the years. Some flourish as if forever. They persist despite the forces of life, despite the forced disconnections. One picks up the phone and punches an old mobile number which still works and the words simply flow. The friendship reignites; the connection was everpresent. 
Some friendships persist and survive, despite different paths of life, emigration, moves, separate destinations; hearts stay close and connected.
Then there are those friendships which expire even if digital connections elude. Social media and group chats bring news but not necessarily connections; such mediums remotely or rarely resemble a friendship.
Sometimes, despite disbelief, dear and darling friends of the past fall out of touch; the daily chats become weekly and monthly then yearly, the news may be observed from afar, through social media; empty texts and forwarded emails replace meaningful discussions. Then, one day, through the clouds of an old affection, one realizes that the friendship is over. Time to let go. 
It doesn't mean that there was anything wrong with the original connection. It simply means that time conquered the old connection. The beauty and even love in the friendship of the past is still beautiful and darling. But the friendship is nonexistent as of late.  A dear friend quoted yesterday that when one let's go of an old friend who doesn't exist anymore lets room for new and meaningful friendships.
Here is to friendship! Old and new and meaningful...

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Malady and Apple Watch

Since I've been diagnosed with this malady, gestational diabetes, my Apple Watch has become a part of my wrist. I use it for tracking my exercise activities, also to time my hour after each meal to mark when to poke and measure, plus following my calories just to give myself some daily boost. It matters. Somehow achieving the daily goals has been motivational to me. Oh this malady has helped in achieving my activity goals and beyond!! I must say that's what I'm grateful for this issue.
Here comes the catch: my fasting glucose is spiking every morning. I've changed and modified my evening snacks but to no avail really. My dear Doctor friend, M. Sh., attributed that to my engineering mind: to assume there is linear or even nonlinear but explainable correlation between my diet and activities and this blood sugar mystery. Alas, even though I'm almost at control during the day, during the night I lose complete control and predictability.


Saturday, September 17, 2016

Gestational Diabetes

I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes on Thursday, which is two days ago. I must say I was the least prepared for the news. I had taken the test six days prior and had called it "an unnecessary torture".  I was the least bit suspicious it would happen. And it had.
I was shocked. This was the first time it was happening. Then I felt sad. Then I felt a tiny bit panicky but I felt mainly and profoundly sad.
And then I spent three hours on the web reading about it and educating myself.
My Ob wanted me to visit with a nutritionist. So I made an appointment for the next day thinking we would talk about food and exercise.  Simple stuff, right? She also wants me to not gain any more weight and I have 12 more weeks to go. I have already gained 14 kg or 33 lbs. not unusual based on past experience.  How to manage not gaining any more is underwhelming.
The nutrition specialist was way more serious that I was prepared for. She already had my "starter kit" ready complete with 50 needles and a home needle disposal bin.
Sigh. It was serious!
I am still trying to get a hang of it all, what I shall eat and what I shan't, what to do if I felt hungry, what kind of exercises to do and when and for how long.  How to poke myself to ache less.  Where not to poke.  How to deal with nightly heart burns and the last snack of the day.  What to eat when I will be traveling to Orlando for business next week (my last for a while or so its the plan). 
And here is the beginning.



Sunday, September 11, 2016

On the Path of Love

I have started a soul searching practice. It's really nothing new; have been at it since I got to know I was a being in teenagehood.
There are many things in this world that I can't explain. There are people reactions and actions that have no explanation in my books. I don't take them personally. More precisely, I try to do so. I believe everyone reacts and acts based on their state of being. I do to.
I am trying to do my best, everything I do. I feel tired in my body. My back sores and my eyes need a shut time. So I'm laying down and doing my best in blogging about my learnings and practice as of late.
Finally, I'm trying to be watchful of my words as I recognize their power. I try to do my best in being impeccable with my words.
In fact, the Toltec four agreements thought me these:
1) Be impeccable with your words
2) don't take things personally
3) don't make assumptions
4) always do your best


On my Path of Love I'm being watchful of my negative feelings on a nightly bases and making a diary out of them. I'm required to particularly notice feelings of pride, resentment, and envy. I'm coming up this realization that most of my negative feelings are actually fear. Pride, envy, and reset meant in me stem in the feeling of fear.  For now, I'm only acknowledging them.
May our Path be lit with Love!

About Me

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An emigrant from an ancient civilization to North America, an engineer in marketing and management, a mom of working kind, who thinks when she talks, and who likes to write. I, L.B., own the copyright to the content.