Departure

One more time, time to say goodbyes. Alas, despite several practices already, it doesn't get easier but harder.

Too tired and sarrowful to write more. Just that I don't feel ready to leave yet. I didn't get to see them long enough. And this time I feel nothing awaits me upon return except for the usual: loneliness, work, and missing. 

And So It Has Been

I can absolutely live here. Happily too.

I'm glad I got to experience life in different parts of this land. I believe that is the very reason I appreciate life here, in Iran, with my families.

It's not easy. It's not hard either. There are hardships like the dust, and I'm grateful the smog is negligible now thanks to better gasoline available now. There is challenges like the traffic and I'm grateful for the thoughtful ads around the city re-educating the public the basics of driving laws like driving between the lines. There is tough situations like the hot weather of the summer and the mandatory covers for us women but there is a variety of choices to choose from.

Above all, I'm grateful for the love of family. Oh yes there are discussions of heated kind sometimes and there are hurtful situations. Yet, this is family after all. The closeness and love are unsurpassed anywhere in the world.

Of course M doesn't agree with me.

I think about this land from an observer from abroad. I wonder what one sees, what one perceives. I hope the beauty prevail!

My Home

At this moment in time Iran might seem closed to the world, might not be as orderly and clean as most touristic places are, and might be perceived more an unsafe place to visit than an exotic destination.

Yet I think at the grand scheme of the history, this is only a fleeting moment. I think the routed culture of kindness and hospitality and the grounded glory will prevail at last even though it might seem covered under the dust of forgetfulness. I believe that the seemorgh, the Phoenix of the wises, will reborn one more time, open her wings, and sweep this land from the dust of forgetfulness; when beauty and kindness will sprout again, everywhere.

This is my home. A standing grounded land that will forever be. God bless this land of Persia!

شايد كه در اين برحه از تاريخ، ايران كشوريست بريده از دنيا، منزوى و تنها، شايد همواره با نظم و تميز جلوه نكند، و شايد براى جهانگردان جايى نا أمن دانسته شود تا كهن و شگفت انگيز، آنچنان كه شايد. 

وليكن من فكر ميكنم اين لحظه از تاريخ در قرنها و هزاره هاى تاريخ بشر لحظه اى گذرا بيش نيست. آنچه من در بطن اين خاك ميبينم روح زيبايى، مهمان نوازى، و ايمان و شكوه واقعيست، گاهى پنهان شده در غبار فراموشى.  من فكر ميكنم روزى ميايد كه سيمرغ، اين ققنوس داناييها، دوباره از خاكستر اين خاك برخواهد خواست، بال خواهد گشود، و غبار ياس و فراموشى را از كوى و برزن اين بام خواهد زدود. آنهنگام زيبايى و مهربانى در جاى جاى وطن جوانه خواهد زد.

اينجا موطن من است. سرزمينى ايستا و ريشه كرده در تاريخ هويت بشر. من اين خاك را دوست دارم. خداوندا بر اين خاك بركت فرست! آمين!

 

The Pain in My Heart

Here comes the tornado, weak, short, and dirty.

Here comes the dust, challenging the light of the Sun, and winning it over too!

Here comes the heat, savage and scorching.

Then appears the river. Thirsty, cracked, and dried. Broken under the savage of the thief of water. 

I remember the fist rainbow I saw when I was a child. I remember the blue sky and fluffed white clouds. I remember the pressure of the water between the pillars of the bridges, heathy and reviving.

I cannot believe my eyes!

گردبادى از دور ميايد. آهسته و بيجان و كوتوله اما زشت و بدخواه.

گرد بر ميخيزد و جلوى خورشيد قد علم ميكند. چون آن مگسى كه در عرصه سيمرغ تاخت گرفته است. و عجبا كه پيروز ميشود بر فروغ خورشيد! آفتاب كم سو شد!

بعد گرما ميايد. داغ و ظالم. 

بعد رودخانه ظاهر ميشود. تشنه. خشك. ترك خورده. دلشكسته از سنگدلى دزد آب.

باورم نيست اين همه خاك را و آسمان خاكى رنگ را. يادم هست اولين رنگين كمانى كه ديدم در همين تهران بود.   آسمان آبى بود با ابرهاى پنبه اى سفيد. آبى كه خروشان بود در همين رودخانه خشك. زنده و زاينده. 

دريغ است ايران كه ويران شود

اگر ايران بجز ويرانسرا نيست

من اين ويرانسرا را دوست دارم

و قلبم در سينه فشرده ميشود ازين منظر معشوق طناز من كه زار و خسته شده، بيرمغ و نااميد!  دل بيمار شد از دست رقيبان مددى!

Take Me Home

I doubt myself. Again.

I know I identify myself by work and define my goals based on career. I know I can do it. I know I have a vision that most people I know don't and I'm helping improve lives by sharing that vision. I like what I do. I even welcome the challenges it brings.

Yet I doubt myself. 

I wonder if the price I'm paying, the toll of long distance travels, the sleepless nights, the strain on my body, the agony in my heart, the longing to feel my kids in my arms, is worth it.

I can identify myself outside of work.

I can be a stay at home mom. 

I can study and run during the day if m is at daycare, hopefully part time, and cook and bake in the afternoon.

I wonder if it would be feasible to keep the house though. I won't have the budget for my MBA. We won't be able to afford many classes for the kids.

I just want to be home. 

Conversation

I just had a very successful conversation with a 9 year old who suddenly sounded like an adult!

I was driving to the airport. It was a Sunday morning. I dreaded the trip for as long as I was assigned. I missed my little m's feel when I hold her in my arms. I missed the unwashed smell of my son's hair already. I felt bad for my M with all the pressures of being a single parent for 5 days.

I called home.

A picked up. He told me gleefully that he was searching on Amazon for his Apple Mini but the one he found within budget came with a black keyboard. I wondered if indeed there weren't any with white keyboard within budget. He said there were but they were cordless and he wanted corded types. No wonder I thought. Corded ones were older versions I assumed and hence just in black. I recommended considering cordless to which suggestion he noted "but if one thing goes wrong with your cordless keyboard your whole system would go down".  I affirmed the logic and added that I assumed because we were discussing Apple products they might have figured out how to extend the life of a cordless keyboard. I agreed that there was less risk involved with a corded type but I preferred more innovative cordless types. He acknowledged but didn't change his opinion. Then I recommended us going to Apple Store after I got back from my buisiness trip and us from the vacation that followed but he said with a two day delivery he could receive his order before our upcoming vacation. I laid a scenario how he would hardly have a day to utilize his new purchase if he ordered he next day while the other scenario would give him an excuse to go to Apple Store and hopefully get the most appropriate system for his needs and within budget. In fact he has been saving for this since Persian new year and he has done a nice job with it I must say.

At this point he put me on hold and came back a few second after announcing that he gave a thought to my suggestion and thought it was a better plan providing him still with the whole summer to play with his Apple Mini.

I just had a very grown up conversation with my most favorite 9 year-young in the whole entire world and time!!

Sags Rock!

A line to remember on a rainy day: " Be your optimistic self, dear Sagittarius. It is your most lovable quality and draws others to you like moths to a flame. It's been said that the Sagittarian propensity to forecast optimistic outcomes is insane given the evidence of many dire situations where the Sagittarian always remains buoyant - it baffles the other signs - but somehow your words always become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Don't change, dear Sagittarius. You are one of a kind."

Love Song Writer

I wonder how you dress up every day; I wonder what you read; I ponder on your taste in songs.

I imagine you a man, in mid 40s perhaps.  A man who has lived, perhaps experienced diaspora.  A man who has loved.  A man who has mended a broken heart a few too many times.  A man who smokes or used to smoke and enjoys his tea black.  A man whose eau de toilette's fragrance lingers in the room after he leaved.  Who checks you out in a party, then finds you in the crowd to tell you bluntly how much he adored the coordination of the color of the flowers on your scarf and the color of your lips.

I wonder if you too find inspiration in cloudy days.

I wonder whom you write to about love.

To Keep A Word

After nine nights, having the utensils and pots and pants and staples unpacked, I could cook tonight. I decided to keep my word and made lentil rice and chicken tonight.

"Dear home-owner,

We fell in love with your house on ... and it would be dreamy even to think that we would be living there.  I believe that you, of all people, would share our sentiment knowing that you have been living there for a long time and loved it too. This is evident to us by the very well-maintained condition of the house, the fitted custom-made cabinets in the garage, and the cute kitchen.  I remember my grandmother’s stove which was just like yours except in skyblue and I remember I made my first dish on it when I was just 7 years young.  It was a lentil dish.  Under my grandmother’s supervision I made a lentil rice dish in a small pot in one of those long hot summer days; everyone enjoyed a spoonful and gave me lots of complements; a sweet memory indeed.  Now, I can picture myself making many dishes for my family and friends standing by that stove in ...., smiling, thinking of good memories and wondering how your life has been in this sweet kitchen over the past decades.  May be even supervise my kids with their first cooking experiments.

We are a family of four ... .  My son, A, was 4 years young when we moved into the general neighborhood, learned to bike in our first house (all the prior places were rentals since we started our family).  He learned to play piano there, and he learned to make a bird feeder, which he tended to every day.  A and daddy built a vegetable bed in the backyard and tended to many flowers there.  He befriended the neighbor’s son who is a fine young gentleman; the family are moving to Arizona soon.  We are concerned about A and how this move would affect him,but we think a new place for us too will make the transition easier, hopefully.

We have a 21-month-young baby girl now, m. We can imagine her exploring the nature in the backyard now, learning to bike in that beautiful cul-de-sac.  In fact we just bought her a bike; she can barely reach the pedals yet she seems to love it.  We hope that our kids can walk and bike to school as much as possible. We like all the high-scored schools that serve this home and how they are in bike-able distances and hope our kids would make many lifelong friends there.  A should be able to easily do this given how close Elementary is, and with some more supervision and safety talks, he can even walk/bike to the Middle School in a couple of years.  I can imagine m walking a 20-minute walk to elementary school along with daddy every morning when she is old enough.

The picture was taken as soon as we offloaded the bike and for memory purposes only

Otherwise the kids always wear helmets :)

 

Oh and m loves to dance.  I can picture her in front of those wall-sized mirrors in the living room dancing to the tunes of her likings while daddy and I will watch her, smiling, marveling in her little ladyship.

M and I are both engineers....  With a young family, M and I tend to work from home as often as possible.  We found the office you have made the exact place we needed.  It is bright and roomy yet opposite to the family room and all the noises in the house.

As a family we like to explore, hike, and bike.  We enjoy biking to ....

We would be so honored to live here.  I can picture us all in this house, for M and I to send our kids off to school and high school and college, to grow old here and throw homecoming parties for our kids and grandkids in this lovely neighborhood and beautiful home.  We sincerely hope that you would consider our offer!

 

Your consideration is greatly appreciated!

On behalf of all of us in D family"

 

A Line to Remember

"In the back of the car and u are driving. I see your eyes only in the rear view mirror and I am smiling. You have such beautiful eyes!"

Guitar Music

The sound of a guitar, a singer with very soft tone, a dim cafe, in a far away land, a foreign language, at midnight.

She is singing melancholic I feel the wet of tears burning my eyes.

Anchored Free

The anchor on my foot set me free.

We just bought a house.  A house that has put us under this humongous debt forcing us to work and produce money at the capacity we are, and more.  No compromise possible anymore!

This fact made me furious!  I felt tethered like a slave to work for the bank until I was rid of this awful weight of mortgage on our shoulders.

How could I?  How could we?

I was this bird imprisoned inside this cage awaiting an occasion to find the door open and flee away to far far away lands.  To open her wings and marvel in the rays of the sun on each feather.  To ascend high and descend low as the heart pleased.  To soar the skies and discover new lands.  To meet new birds and greet new opportunities.  To learn and execute outside this cage.

Now this caged bird had a tether on her foot too.

The bird had to stay now.  Stay put and concentrated.  Not only the door wont open, there wont be any flying even if it did.  No chance to explore outside the security of this job.  She needed the security of the place now.

Disappointing!  Unfair!  Maddening!  Infuriating!

It took a couple days for the bird to suddenly feel content.  There was no new opportunity to explore outside but there seemed to be many opportunities inside now that she had the (forced) time and occasion to focus on it.  She thought she wanted to be here.  To stay here.  To observe and learn and explore from right here.  As long as God has her sustenance here, she would graciously accept it.

Focused!  Hopeful!  Innovative!  Optimistic!  Spontaneous!  Joyous!  Satisfactory!

The anchor on my foot set me free!

All Connected

I suddenly realized how connected these all are.  Again!
Walking back toward my office building the other day I raised my head for a change and I saw this beautiful tree full of pink blossoms.  I was awestruck.  Had they just bloomed overnight or had I really not see them?!
I smiled at my ignorance.  I smiled because I knew I had experienced how not to be ignorant.  I used to see.  In my joyful youth I used to observe the leaves, the sky, the road, the people, the time.  I used to walk with my head high.  I remembered how it used to feel.  I knew how to experience it.  I felt grateful.
Then I continued reading the book at hand, How to Win Friends and Influence Others where I was challenged to not blame.  To find any occasion to encourage and appreciate.  I had to be observant of the behaviors around me to be able to praise them I reckoned.
Then I went to the Circle to learn that the focus of the month was also about being an objective witness, leaving opinions and blame, and serve unselfishly in love.
Ah! I walk in ecstasy now.  How these all manifested in a sequence of events and experiences; orchestrated well outside my realm of influence.
Blissfully feeling connected in this all now, again!

Life to Live

She said "we are here to live happily". So if work is not happy change it. And if friend makes you unhappy, well then is not a friend!

I want to release this sadness and turn it to happiness. Here is to be happy and to feel grateful!

To Forget

PS: A Friday afternoon. Alone. Feverish. Watching Copenhagen (2014). Our offer got approved. 

Connection Lost and Found

I wake up in the morning planning about work stuff: time to get ready, anticipated traffic, whom to call during my morning commute, estimated time of arrival, first meeting in the day, the landscape for the full day, what to focus on, etc.  Then I execute on them.

In the late afternoon I arrive home trying not to think about work peaking only occasionally on my iPhone.  Yet when there is an email from the "grown ups" I jump at it and completely submerge in it.  It takes time after that to get back to home life.  And even more alarming, to get back to real meaning of life and the true contentedness.

I came to work this morning yearning to read a particular piece of poem.  Indeed, despite the availability of everything at my fingertip with the iPhone technology, I still marvel in reading poetry from books and not screens.  I have only two books at work which are far from what I used to have in my room growing up.  All books literally at my fingertip in the book shelves above my study desk.  I had pieces of paper with a verse or two on them all around my desk and the wall behind it as constant reminders.  Reminding me of the goal.  Of my path.  Of my real truth.

"To reach Leili's (i.e. beloved's) house which has a lot of dangers on the path awaiting you

the first requirement is to be Majnoun (headless in love)"

"Since you have Noah as your ship captain, what fear from the storm?"

"The secret to peace in the two worlds are hidden in two philosophies:

To remain faithful to the friend

To practice affability with the enemy"

"The mood of the times would never stay the same, do not grieve"

These constant reminders looked fancy and felt like fantasy at the time but now I know they were necessity.  They were a means of connection which was lost.  Now I found it!

Donno How

There is one caveat in getting simple: I don't know how.

So, to start, I am going to induce a routine in my days every day of a week and examine the result.

This week, I am going to sit in my car upon arrival at home, and breathe in and out from belly for 2 minutes.  My goal is to see how it helps with releasing stress and may be have some cleansing effect or some sort of resetting before getting home and facing my kids.

PS: Happy Nowruz!  Happy Spring!

Time to Get Simple Again

Life was two sets of school uniforms, a bunch of books and notebooks on the bookshelf, a drawer full of cassettes, and a few poetry books and post its of favorite verses.  That was my high school.  I used to be free.  Looking into the future.  Living every day.  Seeing every leaf.  Watching each step.  Remembering the Friend.

Everything had a place in my room.  I was a free girl, laughing, crying, marveling in each friend and every friendship, chatting openly with my mother and father.  I used to enjoy the simple pleasures.  I didn't try to please anyone yet I was confident most were pleased with me.

Time to get back to it.

I feel stressed and overwhelmed.  I feel too much pressure at work especially from people; the single thing that is 100% out of my hands.  I feel the MBA coursework that I have just started is breaking my back.  I feel behind on house chores.  I feel that the thoughts of people's opinion of me have cluttered my head, darkened my brain, burdened my heart.

It is time to get simple again.

I am going to, from this moment on, stop trying to please everyone, especially at work.

Work is my game now.  I am not here to stay, I am here to learn.

I am going to enjoy the simple pleasures.

And I am going to stand tall and believe in me; same way Molly Lou Melon's grandma advised her.

Water Fruit Fingers Palm

One of the most satisfying chores while preparing for beloved guests to arrive is washing fruits and vegetables.

There is music in the background.  A mix of the familiar old songs by Ebi, Dariush, Koorosh Yaghmaii, Farhad, and the newer songs filling the air.  The sink is washed, disinfected, watered down, soap cleaned one last time and there goes the grapes, apples, carrots, sage, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers (both Persian and English, for different purposes), cauliflowers, oranges, limes, tangerines, sweet lemons, turnip, and the beautiful pomegranate.  They enter the water filled sink in groups based on the method of consumptions.  First, those whose skins will be consumed, then the ones that will be skinned but haven't touched the earth, and finally the roots.  Go in my hands at last, grabbing each single piece of vegetable or fruit, scrubbing the soaked items, feeling their skin.  Occasionally basking in their infused aroma, mixed, strong.  Their smell visible through their colors.

Now all the cleaned items are aired to dry out.  Awaiting their destiny to may be become human for a change.

Butterflies And Engines

At Kennedy Space Center we saw some butterflies.  The white winged ones flying assuredly from point to point.  I realized that butterflies are scarce compared to when I was growing up.  Oh there were butterflies everywhere and many different kinds too.

The mechanical engineer in me was fascinated by the Kennedy Space Center and all the displays of space travels.  The moon buggy, the magnificent crawlers, the humongous Vehicle Assembly Building, and the fuel tanks all brought back all the joys of designing and considering resolving unconventional problems through engineering.

I'm glad that my family is staying with me for another night leaving me behind only for two nights to attend my conference.  It was our first time to Florida and I must say I'm positively impressed.  Especially with all the joys of observing the butterflies and engines.