Balancing Working Mom's Dilemmas

It is not because she needs me anymore.  It is because I need her.

I leave the house with a heavy heart every morning.  Not because my baby girl is tiny and helpless and needs her mommy to protect her and make her feel good about this world.  I drag my heavy heart into the car as I leave the home because I need her, her beaming smiles, her voice and broken words, her soft hands caressing my face.  I need to take advantage of this affection while there is.  I want to be with her.  It is about me.  Not solely about her.

Then I come to work and I find myself immersed in the job forgetting about my heart for a while.

Here is the secret to happiness: As long as I can do the same at home, to immerse in my family and forget about all the job-related matters, I think I can strike the balance.  Increasing the quality of presence rather than quantity.  That, I believe, is the key to a balanced life.

Book: Unaccustomed Earth

She knows emotions and relationships. She understands emigration, adoption, attachment, forgetting, unforgettables. She appreciates the struggles, the regrets, the undoables.

Jumpha Lahiri http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jhumpa_Lahiri took us to so many unaccustomed earths yet they were so familiar on occasions.  So beautifully written stories and one wishes they never ended.

Going Far

I feel scared.  I have to pull up a brave face yet I walk in and walk along feeling unsure.  I feel like paddling in dark waters.  I'm waiting for the sun to raise, to see myself on the other side of the darkness.  To have these days behind me rather than in front of me.

Then I think of all the good things.  That God will lead me as he has thus far. That I am not alone.  That my heart feels content because the strategy is thought-through and the intention is right; to support lives.  It is only a meeting after all. Unpredictable but can't go too bad.

En route to Kobe I just watched one movie: The Good Lie. It was beautiful and sad and hopeful.  Several many times it brought tears to my eyes.  I don't know why but people's distress and people's kindness melt my heart.

The story was about Sudanese refugees in early 2000.  How a group of kids became refugees, their parents killed, their siblings passed from dehydration while they walked in the desert toward the eastern border to find it dangerous and turn around and go to the opposite border and take refuge in a camp.

They made it to the USA. God bless those who help the scared and the poor!  In the civilized States they couldn't bare food wastes while back in their home people had to survive by eating just a fistful of grain that shall last for a few days.  Gosh, makes me wonder!  How wasteful are we in my house?  What to do about it?  How to help?

I hope to do something.  To donate money is satisfactory, to not close our door to those who ask for help. Yet I hope to also dedicate my time and knowledge to the poor and to the needy.  Enshala, one day.

"If you want to go fast go alone.

If you want to go far go together."

African proverb

Timely advice given all the (scary) meetings I have in front of me!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2652092/

Love Might

The sorrow that associates with longing

The longing that hurts

The pain that transforms into a smile with simple reminders

That, might be love

"Darkness may hide the trees
and the flowers from the eyes
but it cannot hide
love from the soul."
Gibran Khalil Gibran, Love Letters in the Sand: The Love Poems of Khalil Gibran

By Mosa Zamaninaser

Waiting

It is a wearing experience, waiting.  The days lengthen to unbearable seconds, the seconds drag.  The element of unknown, as to when, as to how, is the maddening feature of waiting.

It is calming that there is the possibility of it all happening.  Yet it is similarly impossible.

"The camel rider of Leili's whose throne rules the sun and the moon

Oh God!  Make his heart to choose the path to Majnoon's"
Hafez

Life and Passing

Our next door neighbor passed away this morning. We learned that from our gardener who had seen a mortuary van parked in their driveway.  Later we saw several cars parked there and I got to talk to the wife's daughter who confirmed the story.  They were an old couple and the husband, God bless his soul, was sick yet still working.  I saw him every day going to work early in the morning riding his big truck. Now I won't see him ever again.  Even though I hardly ever talked to him I feel very sad.

If it were back home you could hear people's crying from next door.  If it were back home I would take a dish full of dates for them when I would visit to convey my regards and sympathy, may be would fill each date with a peace of walnut and garnish it with dried shredded coconut.  The idea being to take some sweetness to their house, to calm the bitterness and restlessness of the time a bit. But here, after consulting public forums on the web, I decided to bake them some muffins. We signed a sympathy card for them and will stop by tomorrow enshala.

How ironic that today I bought a sympathy card along with a baby shower card.  Life goes on I suppose.

I saw a picture that jolted me yesterday too. A friend sent me a picture of his late father along side a brand new car.  The father looked really young. Carefree as my friend had put it as the caption for the photo.  The car was an older model.  The young man looking happy, accomplished.  Now he is gone.  That carefree man who was proud of his purchase of a car one day is no longer among us.  I wonder what he was thinking on the day the picture was taken.  For sure never would've paused on the thoughts going in my mind now thinking of him and his thoughts back then.  He lived a nice life it seems leaving real humans as his children.  God bless his soul!

Life is. And then it is not!

And yet tomorrow the sun will rise again and a new day will begin, Enshala.

The Treasure of the Moment

I came home early today to be with my son.  He fell sick and was sent home from school.  He is laying on the couch in a cot I've made him, watching TV.

My daughter is roaming around. Looking for the next opportunity to fall in another baby mischief entertaining me constantly.

My body is sat on the patio chair, wrapped in a jacket, sipping cinnamon tea from a Japanese mug I brought from Japan the first time I went there.

My mind however, is focused only on one thing. The treasure of the moment.

I was hanging to every word my dad was saying as I talked to him this morning knowing all the while that my dear friend is preparing for his father's funeral.  My heart ached when I called my mom last night and found her voice coarse from flu. She said her friend made her soup and I felt my heart tightening in my chest.  Why am I not there to nurse her?

Then I think again of the friend who is preparing to celebrate his father's life after his passing.

Our daffodils have bloomed.  We talked to a dear friend about our daffodils last year.  I don't see her anymore due to change of work place.  I sent her a picture of the flowers. "Thought of you".

Treasuring the life!...

Life

Life; love and nothing else.

At one point while pondering on the meaning of life, I wondered what if nobody remembered me after I pass.  I thought I needed to become somebody. Or make something. Or do something special.  In order to be remembered.

Then the other night I dreamt of my grandmother, God bless her soul!  I hugged her and I kissed her hand and then I found myself crying.  I missed her so.  I woke myself up from the sound and feel of my crying.  Then I wished I could stay calm in my sleep so I would stay in her embrace some more, even if only in the world of dreams.

My grandmother wasn't anybody except for my grandmother.

My grandmother didn't build anything special.

My grandmother didn't do anything except for kindness.

She loved me so. I know it.

I miss her and will miss her as long as I live.

That, is life!

Full Moon Grace

This is a strange world my dear!

When I read the Book, I see beauty.

When I hear the verses, I hear poetry.

When I think about him, the prophet, my heart gets warm with love and light.  I think to myself however much my dad is kind he is kinder a thousand fold.  He smiles at us.  He holds our hands.  He watches us with grace.  He has the highest soul, vast, beautiful, knowing, kind, graceful.

I know!  I know I believe.  And I know as the day is light that there are people who say that they believed yet they dirty the Earth with corruption.  Don't you see?  Just yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and ever since their sickly hearts got sicker they have been bound to bend the truth and hide the beauty.  Don't you see?  They are bound with their evils.  They think they are deceiving us.  They are deceiving themselves.  Shame on them!  Shame and grievous suffering for their persistence on lying!  They have no resemblance to that kindness, let alone any comprehension of him.  They hide their lies behind his name.  Shame on them!

Yet today, or five days ago, and who cares, he was born, the prophet.  He was born to bring us joy through the love of Hu.

Peace to you!  Love to you!  Salaam to you!

Huuuuuuuuu

!دنياى غريبيست نازنين

.من در كتاب فقط زيبايى ميبينم و در تلاوتش شعر.

وقتى به حضرتش فكر ميكنم قلبم گرم ميشود از عشقش و روشن ميشود از نورش. فكر ميكنم اگر پدر مهربان است او هزاران هزار بار مهربانتر است.  به نگاه پر مهرش ميانديشم. به دستان گرمش. به چشمان آرامش.  به لبخندش.

روح بزرگى داشت كه به معراجش برد.  او بزرگست و آسمانى.  و نيم نگاهى هم به لعبتهاى بچگانه نادانان ندارد.

من ميدانم. و إيمان دارم كه هستند مفسدانى كه به اسم دين فساد ميكنند و فكر ميكنند ما را به مسخره گرفته اند. نميبينى؟ ديروز چه شد؟ و پريروز و همه روزهايى كه بوى گند قلب مريضشان حالمان را دگرگون كرد؟ ادعايشان مصلحت است وليك دستشان حلقه به پليديست.  آنها هيچ دركى از سخاوتش ندارند حتى اگر نامش را به زبان مياورند.  شرمشان باد اين نام!  شرمشان باد اين زمين! شرمشان باد اين نفس!!  

و اما امروز سالروز تولدش است. شايد هم پنج روز پيش بود. چه تفاوتى؟. آمد تا زيبايى عشق را به ما نثار كند.

!صلح بر شما

!عشق بر شما

!سلام بر شما

Darkness

It seemed pretty dark outside, and inside.  She looked around and couldn't see a thing. Nothing.  Not a shape was recognizable, not a glimpse of light visible.  It was complete darkness.

She opened her arms in search of a thing and reached deep into the emptiness that surrounded her.  Stretching her arms in front of her she began walking, taking cautious steps, trying to see with her arms and feet.  Trying to find a familiar ground, a soothing sight, anything that was recognizable.

Emptiness.

Useless.

She couldn't sense the time.  She had been walking for a while now yet had no idea how long, how far, how deep.

She had no appetite even though she knew her body was drained from any food or liquid.

She started thinking and yet found darkness.  She found that memories were faded in her brain and in her heart.  Hardly any memory of a face, of a voice, of a scene, of a touch.

She paused.  She brought near her extended arms.  Then she started touching herself.  Her body, her face, her hair, her legs, her feet.  She was.  But that was all that there was.  Otherwise, nothing.

Best of 2015 So Far

From my surgeon customer/colleague in Italy just now:

"All the best to you and your family hoping a great 2015....it will

I'm sure"

I needed this certainty... I hope so and wish all the same!

The Universe Deals

The Universe chose many things for us beyond our control, unwanted, unwelcome.  When the time gets rough it is unfair to anticipate a lowly human being to deal with it.  The Universe is fair.  Therefore, the Universe won't anticipate the human being to deal with the Universe-sent matters all by herself.  Instead, God will resolve the matter enshala.

No Resolution New Year

I desperately feel scared of and overwhelmed by this new year.

I am used to writing my goals.  It has been a habit, for as long as I kept a diary, to write my goals for the Perisan new year and on my birthday.  Then in the past 15 years also at western new year.

Per the usual habit I reviewed my goals for 2014 last night.  Thank God found many met.  Then started writing my new goals and I found none!

How strange I feel not having any new resolution for this year!!  Am I lost in the daily life?  Have I lost all ambitions?  Are there no more dreams?  How utterly sad I feel!

In fact I feel trapped deep inside...

I just hope that this is a phase...

Happy New Year!

One Sign

She watched the last sunset of the year as the sun dove into the horizon behind the Pacific Ocean.  The moment felt overwhelmingly magnificent; the sun, the ocean, the hills, the chill in the air, the presence of family; she felt like praying.  There was only one thought in her heart and she prayed on it.  Not necessarily feeling heard she then asked for a sign.

The ball of sun had faded completely.  How fast the sun sets when it is watched at dusk!  How quickly this last day faded away, for ever, gone and done with!

It was still light and the ocean boasted underneath its mesmerizing shimmers.  She scanned the ocean; it looked calm, all calm.  Suddenly there appeared a spout of water and then a whale tail surfaced majestically.  This was just too magical of a sign; this was like fairytales.  She found herself in prostration, head on the earth in surrender to the Grace of God.

Unintended Resolution

My whole body is aching ouch!  Especially my hamstrings and triceps.  I just started a new exercise routine at a local Dailey Method.  Just registered last night when the admin lady claimed that January was the craziest time with all the new year's resolutions!!  I must say though that the lady didn't appear as if she was referring to me.  I didn't look like a resolution person it seems.

My first session proved to be fantastic.  First of all I biked to my class and felt very pleased with myself; it hardly was 40 degrees early in the morning.  The gym itself was rather bright and the music was upbeat even though it hardly had any cardio routine. But oh did it make your muscles work!  They claim that they make you leaner and taller through yoga and Pilates and Barre exercises.  I don't know about the "leaner" claim but I already feel I can sit up taller and walk upright again!

Most of all I had missed the gym environment and simply felt happy to be there.  The bodily challenges.  The sweat of labor.  The discovery of new muscles to tone.  I could do most of the challenging ones!  While trying to follow the routines I was occasionally looking at my face in the mirror that covered the wall on one side and after a long while liked what I saw.  My face had gotten rather pale as all the blood had concentrated on my cheeks.  I liked the determination beneath shivering muscles.

Right after I got home we headed south to San Luis Obispo.  I like it here. Not sure exactly why.  First time I came here I was pregnant with A; we were visiting from Toronto.  I had a day and a half all by myself to explore while M was attending interviews. I knew that for me it was not a place to live but I liked it otherwise.  Tonight I found the downtown area modernized a bit and revived. Nine years is long enough for a town face lift! I wonder where the kids who were attending Cal Poly back then are now.  Married. Kids. Working.  Then I wonder where the older grads are.  They all came and left; the school is still here and so is SLO.  Life must go on.

"That's How I got to Memphis"

Adorable scenes from the Newsroom - spoiler watch out!

http://youtu.be/kp04NqmwWn4

"If you love somebody enough you'll follow wherever they go

That's how I got to Memphis, that's how I got to Memphis

If you love somebody enough you'll go where your heart wants to go

That's how I got to Memphis, that's how I got to Memphis

I know if you'd seen her you'd tell me 'cause you are my friend

I've got to find her and find out the trouble she's in

If you tell me that she's not here I'll follow the trail of her tears

That's how I got to Memphis, that's how I got to Memphis

She would get mad and she used to say

That she'd come back to Memphis someday

That's how I got to Memphis, that's how I got to Memphis

I haven't eaten a bite or slept for three days and nights

That's how I got to Memphis, that's how I got to Memphis

I've got to find her and tell her that I love her so

I'll never rest 'til I find out why she had to go

Thank you for your precious time, forgive me if I start to cry and

That's how I got to Memphis, that's how I got to Memphis

That's how I got to Memphis, that's how I got to Memphis

That's how I got to Memphis, that's how I got to Memphis

That's how I got to Memphis"

When in Love

He was calculating the time needed to get there.  The road ahead was congested; he counseled his app considering alternative routes.  He started simultaneously comparing the distances, optimizing the routes, considering the path that would be the shortest and fastest; in case they didn't match, he chose the shortest path.  As far as he was concerned, there always was a chance that the congestion would open up and travel would get faster.

The music in the car under the kids noises from the backseats and the direction-lady from the map app was noise to him even though she said it was a favorite.

They reluctantly stopped at a coffee shop which he commented as too neglected; she had recommended it.  They all got something to drink all the while watching over kids unable to relax.  The kids were too tired of sitting still and it was madness to get to the car and head to the traffic.  Yet it always seemed a necessity to rush home after a full day of outdoor fun.  They hushed the kids in the back and exchanged words in the form of question and answer some; otherwise they drove in silence, deep in thoughts, separately.

When they got home he got busy with putting things away and she with feeding and putting the kids to bed.  He put on his earbuds listening to his music. He wanted to be toned out. He needed to zone away.  He had missed his solitude.

...

He glanced at her briefly.  She was looking out the window at the sunset over the ocean.  He smiled triumphantly.  He knew how much she loved that road and marveled at her treasured moments. Expecting the congested roads ahead, he recommended stopping at a coffee shop by the shore.  She lightened up at the suggestion.  They turned west away from their destination and found a local café.

The kids hurried in, feeling liberated from the harnessed car seats and ordered light sandwiches.  The two of them just ordered drinks.  He surprised her by ordering a hazelnut latte; responding to her questioning smile with a mischievous wink.

After the kids ate their light dinner they all headed to the shore.  It was getting really cold as the oceanic winds were taking charge at early moments of the evening.  They were grateful for the warmth of their drinks in their hands.  He held her close watching guard on the kids who seemed oblivious to the cold.  They walked on the sandy beach in silence while the kids were vailing away exhausting the last drops of energy.  She was praying in her heart; loved the silence of the world around the sunset; to her it was a moment of closeness to God.  He knew and respected it.

They sat on a boulder at last holding the kids on their laps.  They all chatted away planning for the upcoming trip even though the kids changed subjects a zillion times. Finally, when they knew the frenzy of early evening commute was over and the kids were tired enough to enjoy the stillness of a car ride, they started heading home.  Soon after, the kids zoned out.  They drove home, content, chatting about many different topics quietly, listening to The Music of The Night.

"Dance Me to The End of Love"

A beautiful movie, Scent of Woman; then below is the link to a clip from it.  Framed to the song of "dance me to the end of love".

Watched Leonard Cohen singing the song a few years ago.  We were the youngest, perhaps, in the Oakland hall.  Yet I find everything about this song young, everlastingly young, and ageless.

Published on Dec 31, 2013

Tango Scene ~ Al Pacino ~ Scent of a Woman ~ Movie CLIP (1992)

Leonard Cohen ~ Dance Me To The End Of Love

Lyrics:

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone

Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon

Show me slowly what I only know the limits of

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on

Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long

We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born

Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn

Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in

Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

A Punch in the Guts

Adrienne Rich:

Power

"Living in the earth-depositis of our history

Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth
one bottle amber perfect a hundred-year-old
cure for fever or melancholy a tonic
for living on this earth in the winters of this climate

Today I was reading about Marie Curie:
she must have known she suffered from radiation sickness
her body bombarded for years by the element
she had purified
It seems she denied to the end
the source of the cataracts on her eyes
the cracked and suppurating skin of her finger-ends
till she could no longer hold a test-tube or a pencil

She died a famous woman denying
her wounds
denying
her wounds came from the same source as her power"

A Mommy Confession

It is in the middle of the night and I miss my kids so badly I want to wake them up from their sweet dreams and hug them and kiss them and tell them I love them infinity and beyond beyond.  I won't. But I want to.

It happens to me every night; a mommy's remorse.  It is after they are both asleep and the house is hushed under the untidiness that was tried to be tidied a zillion times through out the day.  It is when M and I are laying on the couch rightfully exhausted claiming the evening hour to ourselves, to watch a grown up's movie, to discuss some grown up matters, even argue some perhaps on some serious grown up subjects.  It is then when I remember how, while I was grating the gingers for dinner, my little m was clinging to my leg wanting to be held but I kept on grating.  It is then when I remember A started telling me one of his silly stories about the stupid mine crafter game he fancies so and I just said "aha" as if I were listening and now I wished I did listen. It is then when I promise myself that tomorrow I would hold m on any demand and I would listen to A attentively at all times.  It is then when I remember that I said the same thing to myself the night before and today was the tomorrow of last night and tonight I am promising a better tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will be a different person, God willing, enshala.