A New Day

A new birthday! Oh God! Thank you!

And all the friends and all the rain and all the wishes come true!

God! You are! Thank you!

Grateful

Thank God for another Thanksgiving holiday spent with family and friends!

Recounting my year, I feel grateful for many blessings! New and old friends, healthy family, newly discovered wisdom, more mature feelings, a new house. Thank you, God!

What Was I Thinking!?

Laying flat on my back, wide awake at an ungodly hour of some hours after midnight I found my brain active with thoughts.  I was floating in the house in my imagination.  Towels on the kids' washroom's floor.  Cryons scattered from kids' rooms to living room to family room and kitchen.  Dead flowers in the vase on top of the dryer.  Dirty dishes piled in the kitchen sink. Remnant of a baby princess (or so I wish) and a pre teen prince everywhere.

What was I thinking?!

What was I thinking deciding to invite a friend over for the afternoon to host a play date when she inquired?

What was I thinking inviting a dozen friends over for a potluck on Sunday?  In addition to an untidy house I had to work all day and go to school at noon and finish MBA homework too. Save the fact that I needed a haircut, badly.
Later at dawn, right as I was gathering my thoughts sitting in my praying mat, looking from outside within, I pondered, where my heart laid.  What did I value the most?
Family found its place on the top right after health (personal note: remember to call chiropractor and dentist).  Inviting friends only when the house was tidy and sparking clean would for sure hinder gatherings.  Scratched the thought. I supposed we rather meet even among the scattered cryons than not at all.
And finally: work.  Work was fine.  This was a plastic ball that even if dropped, would bounce back up, as opposed to all others.

As it turned out, I was thinking soundly.
Happy Play Dating!

Bitter Hopeful

The seat beside me is empty and I hope it remains as such. Then a lady, perhaps same age as me, perhaps Indian originals, and then a young man at the other isle, again around the same age.

The lady looked too serious. I suppose if she ever glanced at me she would think I looked pensive. As I am.

It is going to be a long flight. I know I don't want to think. Just read perhaps and write perhaps and may be close my eyes a bit.

Oh! The two row companions are actually friends or a couple! So absolutely no chance for any conversation. Oh well!

Even though I was in the brutally boring East London I must say during this trip for the first time I was intrigued. May be next time I'll visit the Soho area.

Oh well! The world is full of good people. I will meet more I'm sure.

Bon voyage!

East London Confidence

It's not easy spending a Sunday evening in East London. It feels forlorn and isolated.

Found myself a walkable pub to dine at. Feeling wary of british cuisine I ordered myself the house soup and a couscous salad. Sat down contempalting on the topic of my research and studies today (aside from conference). The very topic of confidence. Relevant perhaps in light of being called "brave".

The readings on the topic of confidence hit me as familiar yet as if a fainting memory. Self worth. High worthy. Feeling good at performance. Pushing the limits.

Pondering on the why.

Pondering on the how.

I want to reclaim my territory.

Definition

Here I am. A brave one :)

The guy beside me is an American director, living in London, making a movie in Russia. We don't know each other's names but I know he lives in London and divorced after 23 years of marriage when his wife left him with his best friend. Ironically this story immediately reminded me of the song Layla.

Layla.

Laila.

Leyla. 

Leila.

The spelling all the same name to me. The last one the least exotic.

Inquiring about my options to get to conference he encouraged me to take the Tube from Heahrow to ExCel "being brave as I'm sure you are".

Brave.

I never described myself as brave before.

Yet I believe brave I am.

I left my nest when I was only 21 and flew far far away across the Atlantic ocean.

I spoke with total strangers in a language that was not mine.

I leaned new science where I had no way to know before.

I dared to move to Marketing when I hardly knew how to analyze VoC.

I am leading a business unit of a Japanese company in the U.S.

I am promised a promotion. Even though I was ecstatic with the idea of it I couldn't sleep well for a few nights until I cried at last confessing my fear of the job to my M. He is my strength.

I am headed to a conference I know nobody at.

I feel brave!

 

An Orphan with Parents

"It is a strange feeling. As if your tie to the world is suddenly broken. I feel like an orphan." Said the director a few hours ago when we talked. We haven't talked since. We each worked some and tried to take a nap some and seemingly haven't been able to.

Ironically, as I'm reading the last chapters of my book, the wild, I'm warned of how it feels to lose a parent.  It is the author's passed mom's birthday; she is hiking the Pacific Coast Trail in Oregon now and reminded of her mom's death at forty five so vividly she wails in the wild.

Suddenly I miss my parents profoundly. I talked to my mom a couple days ago and my dad a week ago. Ah. I want them close by. I want to see them. I want to argue with them. I want to watch their face as they talk or eat or drink tea or sleep. I miss my Maman and baba. 

Arab Literature

A post by a friend of an FB friend inspired me yesterday to purchase a Japanese literature book. And to read this short story, by Samira Azzam, a Palestinian Christian Arab writer of the 20th century who published her first book in the year my father was born.

The short story is called:

Bread of Sacrifice

I found this quote something to ponder on, for those who defend in war and not who invade, of course:

"War was not simply an enemy to kill voraciously. Rather, it was the assertion of the life of the land he loved and the woman he loved."

Now the author is passed, the baby who was born on the year she was published, in diaspora, is a grandfather of four. And the war still continues.

And who am I kidding. It will continue. This is the reality of time and history.

Let there be love!

Patern of Self

Recognized when I felt wrong about saying a point and still said it. Realized afterwards that indeed the receiver wasn't appreciative of the point conveyed and that I should've honored the disapproving voice inside.

I am learning how vital it is for me to pause and ponder before volunteering a point. Most people are not ready for it. So being fugal with the words might be wiser. 

One of Those Nights

Tonight is one of those sleepless nights that I want to just sing songs under my lips, move my hips with the tune, and sketch my dreams of the future.

I am to become what shall be. 

Midnight Dream

This is a crazy desire but I wish to retire soon!

What does it take to retire?

I rather teach at a school where kids care and I rather write. Above all I rather be home for anyone who needs me around. My little princess the most.

I rather retire from corporate America or corporate Japan soon. Amen!

The Curse of A Driven Woman

I was talking to my ex manager earlier telling him about our upcoming global meeting with our advisory board in Japan and how I didn't want to take the trip being away from my kids. He noted that he was proud of me to which I responded that I wasn't sure about pride. I was grateful for the progress in the company but at some level I wished I could be home with my little princess and make apple sauce of the apples in the backyard. He said "it's tough to be a driven woman"! Oh so true! I would add that it might be a curse actually.

Now here we go. On board. Buckled up. And determined to have a great meeting especially now that I had to leave my most precious treasures behind. It better worth it!

No Picture

Oh baby boy!

Sleep soundly tonight. Tomorrow is rid of bomb and starvation. You won't see your mom crying or your dad wailing, desperately searching for a shelter for you. Ever. You just sleep tight tonight. May you dream of angels!

Mourning

I still feel like mourning. It is as if I've lost a loved one. It is as if I were lost, unbalanced with sudden loss of a limb, trying to find myself again. It is as if I were never going to be whole again and I knew it.

I realize that war has been part of human history. Even my life history started with a war. Yet it has taken a toll from me, for ever, to see people fleeing from their homes and puting themselves and their kids in utmost harms to flee the danger at home. It has taken a toll from me to see families scatter and die. It has taken a toll from me to see a sleeping boy, dead.

Peace!

In Searching for Self

No more do I get excited for too long.

No more do I get disappointed from anyone.

I am searching for the joys and pains of my youth.

Perhaps I have matured, perhaps too soon.

People have come.

People have gone.

I think I'm just getting along.

It all must sound liberating,

It all must feel good.

Yet something is bothersome.

Something missing from this adulthood.

I'm not so sure.

I feel a bit lost.

I'm searching for self.

I think that's a must.

The Taste of Surpise

I grabbed this box this morning from the cafe I had breakfast at. It was beside a white and a brown boxes on the refrigerator shelf. I assumed the white was milk, the brown was coco milk, and this one was banana milk. I didn't have it in the morning and now on my way to the airport I had a last chance to drink it before being forced to throw it away for security reasons at the airport.

Assuming it was milk it was utterly surprising to feel a sweet and sour taste on my tongue upon the first sip!  It took me a good few sips before I realized it was possible pineapple juice!! How my brain expectation blared my ability to judge the taste! How strange to put pineapple beside milk. Or were they milk at all??

Feeling An Alien

It is still foreign to me, this city of Kobe, even after five trips. The foreign language characters are the most alienating to me otherwise not knowing the language or looking different than everyone else is no new experience. It's really daunting imaging making ones way in the crowd of unfamiliar streets and train tracks with no guide but ones memory.

I got lost going from train station to the airport bus stop. In the end my guide was a French boy who spoke a little Japanese while I could converse a broken French with him!  I lost my intended bus but made it to the next one 20 minutes later.

I got the promise of a promotion and even though I'm thrilled about it I feel unsure too. It's yet another new territory for me, to learn the language of and never mind the difference between me and others. To find the best possible strategies and alternatives whenever possible. And to make new paths by walking unfamiliar terrains.

Yaa Huuuu

Don't Fall In Love with A Woman Who Reads - Martha Rivera-Garrido

"Don’t fall in love with a woman who reads, a woman who feels too much, a woman who writes...

Don’t fall in love with an educated, magical, delusional, crazy woman. Don’t fall in love with a woman who thinks, who knows what she knows and also knows how to fly; a woman sure of herself.

Don’t fall in love with a woman who laughs or cries making love, knows how to turn her spirit into flesh; let alone one that loves poetry (these are the most dangerous), or spends half an hour contemplating a painting and isn't able to live without music.

Don’t fall in love with a woman who is interested in politics and is rebellious and feel a huge horror from injustice. One who does not like to watch television at all. Or a woman who is beautiful no matter the features of her face or her body.

Don’t fall in love with a woman who is intense, entertaining, lucid and irreverent. Don’t wish to fall in love with a woman like that. Because when you fall in love with a woman like that, whether she stays with you or not, whether she loves you or not, from a woman like that, you never come back…"

Original in Spanish: 

"No te enamores de una mujer que lee, de una mujer que siente demasiado, de una mujer que escribe...

No te enamores de una mujer culta, maga, delirante, loca. No te enamores de una mujer que piensa, que sabe lo que sabe y además sabe volar; una mujer segura de sí misma. 

No te enamores de una mujer que se ríe o llora haciendo el amor, que sabe convertir en espíritu su carne; y mucho menos de una que ame la poesía (esas son las más peligrosas), o que se quede media hora contemplando una pintura y no sepa vivir sin la música. 

No te enamores de una mujer a la que le interese la política y que sea rebelde y sienta un inmenso horror por las injusticias. Una que no le guste para nada ver televisión. Ni de una mujer que es bella sin importar las características de su cara y de su cuerpo. 

No te enamores de una mujer intensa, lúdica, lúcida e irreverente. No quieras enamorarte de una mujer así. Porque cuando te enamoras de una mujer como esa, se quede ella contigo o no, te ame ella o no, de ella, de una mujer así, jamás se regresa..."

عاشق زنی مشو که می انديشد،

که می داند،

که داناست،

که توان پرواز دارد،

به زنی که خود را باور دارد!

عاشق زنی مشو که

هنگام عشق ورزیدن، میخندد یا میگرید،

که قادر است جسمش را به روح بدل کند،

و از آن بیشتر،"عاشق شعر است"!

(اینان خطرناکترینها هستند)

و یا زنی که میتواند نیم ساعت مقابل یک نقاشی بایستد،

و یا که توان زیستن بدون موسیقی را ندارد!

عاشق زنی مشو که

پُر،

مفرح،

هشیار،

نافرمان

و جوابده است!

پیش نیاید که هرگز عاشق این چنین زنی شوی؛

چرا که وقتی عاشق زنی از این دست میشوی،

چه با تو بماند یا نه،

چه عاشق تو باشد یا نه،

از اینگونه زن

بازگشت به عقب، هرگز ممکن نیست! 

"مارتا ریورا گاریدو" شاعر معاصر دومینیکن"

Again

No more to say.

A Beautiful Saturday

Got my dose of coffee and got to teach the barista how to make Cafe au Lait. He had no idea what an au Lait was, asked, then tried. The result is not bad at all! I must say I admired his daring demeanor! 

It's another MBA Saturday filled with homeworks and assignments due tomorrow.

To be a good story writer one must be genuinely interested in people says Dale Carnegy. I feel this post is mainly about me. And the barista. And I am genuinely interested in you. I promise and my promises are real!

Now let the class begin.