Departure

One more time, time to say goodbyes. Alas, despite several practices already, it doesn't get easier but harder.

Too tired and sarrowful to write more. Just that I don't feel ready to leave yet. I didn't get to see them long enough. And this time I feel nothing awaits me upon return except for the usual: loneliness, work, and missing. 

And So It Has Been

I can absolutely live here. Happily too.

I'm glad I got to experience life in different parts of this land. I believe that is the very reason I appreciate life here, in Iran, with my families.

It's not easy. It's not hard either. There are hardships like the dust, and I'm grateful the smog is negligible now thanks to better gasoline available now. There is challenges like the traffic and I'm grateful for the thoughtful ads around the city re-educating the public the basics of driving laws like driving between the lines. There is tough situations like the hot weather of the summer and the mandatory covers for us women but there is a variety of choices to choose from.

Above all, I'm grateful for the love of family. Oh yes there are discussions of heated kind sometimes and there are hurtful situations. Yet, this is family after all. The closeness and love are unsurpassed anywhere in the world.

Of course M doesn't agree with me.

I think about this land from an observer from abroad. I wonder what one sees, what one perceives. I hope the beauty prevail!

My Home

At this moment in time Iran might seem closed to the world, might not be as orderly and clean as most touristic places are, and might be perceived more an unsafe place to visit than an exotic destination.

Yet I think at the grand scheme of the history, this is only a fleeting moment. I think the routed culture of kindness and hospitality and the grounded glory will prevail at last even though it might seem covered under the dust of forgetfulness. I believe that the seemorgh, the Phoenix of the wises, will reborn one more time, open her wings, and sweep this land from the dust of forgetfulness; when beauty and kindness will sprout again, everywhere.

This is my home. A standing grounded land that will forever be. God bless this land of Persia!

شايد كه در اين برحه از تاريخ، ايران كشوريست بريده از دنيا، منزوى و تنها، شايد همواره با نظم و تميز جلوه نكند، و شايد براى جهانگردان جايى نا أمن دانسته شود تا كهن و شگفت انگيز، آنچنان كه شايد. 

وليكن من فكر ميكنم اين لحظه از تاريخ در قرنها و هزاره هاى تاريخ بشر لحظه اى گذرا بيش نيست. آنچه من در بطن اين خاك ميبينم روح زيبايى، مهمان نوازى، و ايمان و شكوه واقعيست، گاهى پنهان شده در غبار فراموشى.  من فكر ميكنم روزى ميايد كه سيمرغ، اين ققنوس داناييها، دوباره از خاكستر اين خاك برخواهد خواست، بال خواهد گشود، و غبار ياس و فراموشى را از كوى و برزن اين بام خواهد زدود. آنهنگام زيبايى و مهربانى در جاى جاى وطن جوانه خواهد زد.

اينجا موطن من است. سرزمينى ايستا و ريشه كرده در تاريخ هويت بشر. من اين خاك را دوست دارم. خداوندا بر اين خاك بركت فرست! آمين!

 

The Pain in My Heart

Here comes the tornado, weak, short, and dirty.

Here comes the dust, challenging the light of the Sun, and winning it over too!

Here comes the heat, savage and scorching.

Then appears the river. Thirsty, cracked, and dried. Broken under the savage of the thief of water. 

I remember the fist rainbow I saw when I was a child. I remember the blue sky and fluffed white clouds. I remember the pressure of the water between the pillars of the bridges, heathy and reviving.

I cannot believe my eyes!

گردبادى از دور ميايد. آهسته و بيجان و كوتوله اما زشت و بدخواه.

گرد بر ميخيزد و جلوى خورشيد قد علم ميكند. چون آن مگسى كه در عرصه سيمرغ تاخت گرفته است. و عجبا كه پيروز ميشود بر فروغ خورشيد! آفتاب كم سو شد!

بعد گرما ميايد. داغ و ظالم. 

بعد رودخانه ظاهر ميشود. تشنه. خشك. ترك خورده. دلشكسته از سنگدلى دزد آب.

باورم نيست اين همه خاك را و آسمان خاكى رنگ را. يادم هست اولين رنگين كمانى كه ديدم در همين تهران بود.   آسمان آبى بود با ابرهاى پنبه اى سفيد. آبى كه خروشان بود در همين رودخانه خشك. زنده و زاينده. 

دريغ است ايران كه ويران شود

اگر ايران بجز ويرانسرا نيست

من اين ويرانسرا را دوست دارم

و قلبم در سينه فشرده ميشود ازين منظر معشوق طناز من كه زار و خسته شده، بيرمغ و نااميد!  دل بيمار شد از دست رقيبان مددى!

Take Me Home

I doubt myself. Again.

I know I identify myself by work and define my goals based on career. I know I can do it. I know I have a vision that most people I know don't and I'm helping improve lives by sharing that vision. I like what I do. I even welcome the challenges it brings.

Yet I doubt myself. 

I wonder if the price I'm paying, the toll of long distance travels, the sleepless nights, the strain on my body, the agony in my heart, the longing to feel my kids in my arms, is worth it.

I can identify myself outside of work.

I can be a stay at home mom. 

I can study and run during the day if m is at daycare, hopefully part time, and cook and bake in the afternoon.

I wonder if it would be feasible to keep the house though. I won't have the budget for my MBA. We won't be able to afford many classes for the kids.

I just want to be home. 

Conversation

I just had a very successful conversation with a 9 year old who suddenly sounded like an adult!

I was driving to the airport. It was a Sunday morning. I dreaded the trip for as long as I was assigned. I missed my little m's feel when I hold her in my arms. I missed the unwashed smell of my son's hair already. I felt bad for my M with all the pressures of being a single parent for 5 days.

I called home.

A picked up. He told me gleefully that he was searching on Amazon for his Apple Mini but the one he found within budget came with a black keyboard. I wondered if indeed there weren't any with white keyboard within budget. He said there were but they were cordless and he wanted corded types. No wonder I thought. Corded ones were older versions I assumed and hence just in black. I recommended considering cordless to which suggestion he noted "but if one thing goes wrong with your cordless keyboard your whole system would go down".  I affirmed the logic and added that I assumed because we were discussing Apple products they might have figured out how to extend the life of a cordless keyboard. I agreed that there was less risk involved with a corded type but I preferred more innovative cordless types. He acknowledged but didn't change his opinion. Then I recommended us going to Apple Store after I got back from my buisiness trip and us from the vacation that followed but he said with a two day delivery he could receive his order before our upcoming vacation. I laid a scenario how he would hardly have a day to utilize his new purchase if he ordered he next day while the other scenario would give him an excuse to go to Apple Store and hopefully get the most appropriate system for his needs and within budget. In fact he has been saving for this since Persian new year and he has done a nice job with it I must say.

At this point he put me on hold and came back a few second after announcing that he gave a thought to my suggestion and thought it was a better plan providing him still with the whole summer to play with his Apple Mini.

I just had a very grown up conversation with my most favorite 9 year-young in the whole entire world and time!!