Stressed

I am grateful for a week coming to a conclusion with a lot of accomplishments and an episod of an awful headache coming to an end.  I do not want to experience this headache again.  It was not a pleasant experience; forced me to appreciate the healthier days.  And to appreciate life as is.  I realized I was not always emberasing life and that made me feel stressed.  Perhaps it is mainly the resistance I have against the course of the events that is making me feel the stress.  And the stress of not having stress is adding stress.

I miss A a lot lately during the day.  I am not sure why.  But I am thinking I need some time off work and with him.  I know we went to Canada mid last month and it was great being away but me working off-site prevented us from having a relaxing time.

I do not want to argue with life any more.  This is my life.  THIS IS my life!

I know it is hard.  I know that I want to manage my work and my home and my friendships and my health and my soul.  Then it becomes hard to manage them all.  I am contemplating why that is.  Isn't it all to make a better living?  I want to live a good life.  I want to be able to look back and feel proud, whenever the end of my life comes.

I was told once by a wise woman to enternalize achievements.  I know I am not.  I still seek a good deal of approval from outside and it is not the healthiest most effective source; I know.  I just need to worl on that.

I try to be.

I am.

Heartache

You left.  You just turned around and walked your drooping shoulders out of my sight.  I was watching you from the opening of the door, left wide open behind you.
I felt a pain in the middle of my chest watching you go.
I asked you to leave.  As simple as that.  And you left.  As simple as that.
I thought you would protest.  I thought you would be shocked.  I thought you would pick a fight.
But you just sighed, turned around, and walked out the door.
I thought you were in love.
The pain in my chest was blocking my throat.  I got up; and closed the door.

A Time for Misunderstanding

On the phone he asked: "why didn't you send the file earlier?".
I had generated the file but just completed it.  "I didn't have the file earlier" I said.
"But you had the file number yesterday!".
"Because I generated the file yesterday but it had no content until today."
"Oh!"
"Do you really think I had the file but I didn't send it to you?!"
"Yeah!" he replied.
Does it matter if I say "Well! You are wrong"?
..........................
Unrequited love
A time fore misunderstanding
..........................
I asked you to keep the word.
You did not.
A time for misunderstanding.
I wont ever ask you to keep a word again.
A time for understanding.
...........................
"We cannot meet next week but possibly in a few weeks; when are you available?"
"Are you punishing me?!?"
Would it matter if I said "NO!"?
A time for misunderstanding.
............................
Don't tell me that you do
because I wont believe you.
A time for understanding.
.............................
Love the turn of circumstances!

The Inevitable Change

My grandparents had fruit trees in their backyard.  A persimmon tree, a pear, an apricot, a black cherry, a white cherry, and a couple berries.  It was a ritual every summer to go there with all the cousins and pick ripened fruit from the trees.  It was fun and at times it felt like a chore.
We were kids.  We thought things were permanent.
Today, it has been years since last I picked up cherries from that tree.  It has been years since my grandpa is gone; that placed is sold, demolished, rebuilt.
It makes me feel sad a bit lately.
C'est la vie!

PS: I got promoted to a Senior level, again.  First time it was more than two and a half years ago when I got granted Senior R&D Engineer title, then down graded when moved to marketing, then back up again.  Now as of yesterday I have the Senior Global Product Manager title.  Now this is the kind of change I appreciate ;)

Lost ... Found ... Lost?

On Friday night, I woke up in the middle of the night in tears from a dream of loss.  I stayed awake in bed, praying for the well-being of the person I thought I had lost in my dreams, and lulled myself back to sleep.

Then last night we got the news that the shaikhs of the circle were exploring leaving California for Kentucky. I guess the "leaving" fact haunted me right away...

A few years ago I was lost.  I was looking for a reality so close I knew I was missing it and so far I could not comprehend it.  The more I looked, asked, searched, read, the less I found.  One day a friend advised me to continue asking, that if I kept believing it would for sure manifest. So I did.  So It did.

As peculiar as it felt at the time I felt a strong vibe pulling my attention towards the southern hills of Santa Cruz.

Miraculously I was found.  By a circle of friends, deep in the hills of Santa Cruz, all filled with love, all true in their hearts, enlightened by the lights of the Truth.  It was so easy being there, smiling there, loving there.  I felt belonging.  I felt anchored.  I thought that was the very reason I was brought to California.  I thought I was found.


Now the shaikhs are leaving; what will remain of a circle without the center?  I woke up feeling some sort of sorrow blocking my throat; like how I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday night feeling a sense of loss. What about all the Truthful vibes I felt from those hills? Will it be a hollowed memory of an anchor when they are gone?


I got home past midnight.  M got up and listened to me telling him the news.  "I guess we are going to Kentucky" he said.  That was exactly what I told D.D. and D.G. in our ride to the circle.  Not sure if we would.  But I appreciated the thought dearly.


"All the Divine asks of you is your attention" said Shaikh Kabir last night. I am sure this unknown will unfold in due time. A new chapter will begin...


Happy Birthday Shaikh Kabir!

Break

All that is needed to gain vision into a matter is to break from it sometimes.

Lost in Translation (2003) - Genius!

They are lost.

She is a young beautiful sexy neglected wife of two years.
He is a middle aged successful bored rich husband of 25 years.

She thinks deep, her husband is shallow. She looks for meaning, her husband looks for fun.
He looks for company, his wife is content without him around. He wants to be heard, his wife is too busy with the kids and home renovation to listen.

She cannot sleep while her husband snores.
He cannot sleep but when calls home his wife is occupied with feeding the kids.

She feels lost.
He feels lost.

They meet.

They greet.

They talk.

They start being heard.
They start making jokes.
They start laughing at each other's humor.
They start feeling secured. They start sharing their insecurities.
They do not judge.
They keep each other company.

Then they have to part; the impossible feelings.

He leaves; she hides in the elavator.  He finds her in the crowds of Tokyo on his way to the airport.  Catches up with her.  She is crying.  He hugs her.  She hugs him.  He says something in her ears. She smiles and wipes her tears.

They depart.




PS: I wish I knew what he said in her ears at the end of the movie ...  what made her smile?

Duality

There is a thrill in secrecy; there is a joy in the thought of a hidden treasure; it feels empowering when there is a knowledge one owns and the rest do not.
There is a thrill in openness; there is a joy in the thought of a treasure showed off and boasted around; it feels empowering to present what one knows and the rest do not.
It takes courage and wisdom to choose between the two.

Lodging in the Jasper National Park

Friday Jun 15th
Blue blue sky, ornamented with fluffy white clouds, boasting over magnificent Canadian Rockie mountains.
It is great being here!
We left Edmomton last night and got here around 11PM. My dear sister S and brother in-law AF had taken care of everything. Everything. From lodging to sightseeing spots to breakfasts and dinners.  We were treated like absolute guests and I got a lot of time to just contemplate, think, meditate, be.
We are staying at the Pine Bagalows. It is a great venue with a great view by the Athabasca river and yet minutes away from the town of Jasper.  It was serene yet alive with a trembling river.  Constantly renewing.
We went to the Colombia Mt Glacier today, first time walking on a glacier. The color of the glacier ice was a bluish green, very unique and pure, I could watch it forever. The mountains and pine groves were amazingly eye catching. And never repetitive after an hour of drive.
Back in the cottage the guys took care of the BBQ and my dear sister took care of the rest. So I got a few minutes by myself at the river to meditate some. Ah!  Magnificent!
HBD my M!
Saturday June 16th
We hiked the Maligne canyon. It was an amazing canyon, very deep and very alive. The water and the sand in constant battle of power; it was magnificent!
We saw two black bears, one really close, while driving to the Maligne lake. It was like prayers answered; the one up close was actually very cute.  Minding his own business munching on fresh grass.
M, A, and I canoed on the lake. My beautiful goodness! The picturesque mountains looking down at the lake! And A rowed nicely albeit like a pure armature. It was a lovely experience as if pumping energy in my veins.
Back at the lodge while eating supper we saw a herd of white tale deer feeding themselves in between the Bangalows; they were so much fun to watch. Especially a mom with three kids. All the neighbors had come out to take pictures of the herd.
After dinner at the cottage we strolled the town of Jasper for a while, it is a little town of its own character.  Finally, at 11PM, the sky was still light as if the sun had no plan to vanish so we walked to the river by our lodge for a short while just to get a different view of it all.
I really like the life observed in the river.
Sunday Jun 17th
Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there!  Particularly to my M!  He is a great father indeed!
...This life is a white slate provided to each of us. What are we drawing?...
Last meditating moments by the river, last coffee in the fresh air of the Canadian Rockie mountains, and finally, last quick hike with S. We had a leisurely drive back to the city.
We got to meet our dear friends from our past life in Toronto, dear NA and MRS, for dinner.  I cannot stop thinking about the visit.  It was lovely to meet them again after many  years and get to meet their lovely daughter. Such a nice little girlie.  She made me many dishes of food with her toy dishes, they were all yummy, pretend.  And our friends from good old days in Toronto had grown locals in Edmonton. They were both still as artistic or more so with their handcrafts and dishes of dinner and desert.  I feel so happy to have gotten the chance to spend some time at their place!  A great ending to a great trip indeed!

Illusion

She was sitting by the window in front of the entrance door; a book was open in front of her, her eyes were vaguely looking at something beyond the glass door.
She turned the ring on her finger and smiled gleefully.  He was looking down at her with a triumphant smile of a gentleman; bent forward and held her hand: "promise".
The door opened with a ding of a bell.  A guy walked in and headed straight to the "Order Here".  The wind from the door turned the pages of her book.  She was hazy.
It was a wonderfully pleasant day.  Barcelona. A bright green camisole under a white button-down shirt, a short yellow skirt with a pair of beige sandals.  He was watching her as she got ready, his eyes shining with a kind confident smile.  They head down to the Las Romblas street for a late morning breakfast.  She thought she would be more than content with a gelato to break her fast.
She looked down at her finger and traced it from the knuckle to the tip.  Under her fingers, she had held open the book to an unfamiliar page.  She browsed a few sentences on the page, then turned back to find where she had last stopped reading.  Or rather the part she remembered.
It was chili in the metro from the blow of the AC.  He put his hand on her bare arm.  His palm was cold.  Her arm was surprisingly but pleasantly warm.  He slid his hand up and down a few times.  She thought how she adored his touch.
Her coffee was cold beyond tasty.  She threw the cup away and sat down with a glass of water.  The cold skin of the glass was absolutely dry.
The moist in the air was just perfect on her hair and skin.  Her straight hair had a wave now without any effort and her skin looked as if wiped by fresh tomato juice, radiating with a faint bright orange shine.  Their glasses on the table were covered with moist.  She traced her finger on the foggy glass, a smiley face.
She bent her fingers, let go of the open book.  The pages flew open to a pre-marked page.  It was the beginning of a chapter. "Illusion".

Done with Mocha

I am done with having mocha made with chocolate syrup.
I have been disappointed at Starbucks mocha for a while now.  Yesterday I tried the Second Cup Cafe Mocha in Edmonton after a few years.  Disappointed again!
So, I decided I need to craft my own drink.
I like the taste of coffee, I like to feel the taste and texture of chocolate.  I never was a fan of sugar.  Hence, what is needed is a well brewed coffee (french press has become so appealing lately), a nicely made cocoa powder, and a nice creamy milk.  None to be found at any of the franchise coffee shops (may be stumptown coffee is an exception).  Perhaps I better open my own coffee shop.  M seemed to like the idea.  I have a friend (A.P.) who is a genius with pastries and cookies.  Tempting.

Shoes: Stylish or Comfortable

I read it once in a shoe museum (in London was it?) that the high heel shoes were built for the royal women and the women of the elite families so that the rim of their long dresses and skirts were protected from puddles of water and dirt on the ground. It seems that after that we, the commoners, started liking the style too. And used it so thoughtlessly that never wondered about the origin of it all.  The difference however is how we do not even intend protecting the cloth; all we think about is the style now.  Today the high heels are as abundant as it seems they have been available since the beginning of time. And one thing they usually are not is comfortable.

I have been looking for a stylish yet comfortable pair of shoes that are not sneakers forever now. I stopped at the mall in the quest of a nice and  comfortable pair this past Friday night. After a few stops I found myself at Naturalizer, where my sister S shops a lot. I had found their collection mature-looking before but lately I find quite a variety of styles there. Given how my feet were agonizing in my shoes at the time, I found their shoes really comfortable and ended up buying two pairs of summery high heels. But wearing them for two days and in the airport today seems like the sandals are not that comfortable after all; even though more comfortable than the ones I had before.  They are stylish, the straps are pretty flexible, and I really like their versatile shiny nude color.

The quest for the stylish yet comfortable shoes, particularly for travels, is not over yet.  Although Naturalizer is strongly yet cautiously recommended.

Driving Dream

I always wanted to drive.  Being permitted to drive was a dream to me as a youngster.  Particularly the kind of driving that involved listening to music.
We were only teenagers that we got hold of an Ace of Base album cassette; my cousin H gave me a copy when we were departing Tehran to the North one spring vacation; during the most of the drive we were listening to the songs over and over. I think it was a miracle that we all got to enjoy the album in the car.  Then during the course of our stay there, H & I would lend my dad's shift gear Pathfinder after much cajoling and drove about just in  the gated area of our rented vacation houses. How liberating it felt!
Now a couple days ago in my car I got to listen to the album again. Such a pinnacle moment! In the spring of 1995 I would never even thought of 17 years ahead ... listening to the songs in 17 years driving on highway 880...

The Light of My Eyes

I am looking at his picture from three years ago.  It is a perfect image of the left side of his face.  He is looking away, with a slight frown.  I can look at this picture for ever and ever.  I look at the curls in his hair at the back of his neck.  His perfect little nose and lips and a hanging under chin.  His perfectly black eye under a tilted eyebrow.
I look at his lips and I remember his tiny little voice.
I look at his cheek and I feel the soft touch on my lips kissing him.
I can brush his hair with my finger still.
I love this picture.
I adore this boy.
He is the light of my eyes.  He is indeed the light of my life.  God bless you my sunny son!

Sunday Chat

Warm sun. Cool breeze. Nice mannered crowd.  It is a wonderfully gorgeous day at the beach.
A dear friend showed us this place which is tucked away from the Santa Cruz crowd, yet close enough to allow for a stop at the Marianne's creamery on way back.
Late in the morning I ushered everyone out of the house after packing us a picnic bag. Then during our ride on Hwy17 I got on the phone with my dad and online with my siblings for our usual Sunday chat.
I really enjoy these Sunday chats.  It allows for lots of different discussions.  Discussions that may not come up on the phone.  Discussions that can be as lame/fun as what we are making for lunch/dinner or as serious as best practices/challenges in raising a resilient child.
Today, there started a discussion about the need to know the future. And why it is appealing. My sister S said that as long as you were told the positive in the future she didn't mind knowing.  We didn't stay on the topic for too long but while sitting on the beat I thought with myself some more and dug deeper in the idea in my head.
I think it is for sure appealing to get to know the future. One reason why can be because it is a knowledge bound in time and there is nothing one can do to gain it. So learning glimpses of it in advance provides you with a vision you lack, one might argue.
Thinking about it some more, I think I don't want to know the future anymore. When I was younger it could've been exciting to know, but now, I think I'm in a stage in life I don't want anything to change except toward the better. But change is inevitable, and I know that not all changes are exciting. Hence, I have no interest in knowing what's in store. Prefer to deal with any change as it comes I think.  And I pray that God prevent any burden on me beyond my capacity and what I can carry on with.  Anything positive, I am all for it.  But what is negative.  Isn't it all our expectations?  Isn't everything positive in the end?  I hope so!
So let's put it this way:  I do not want to anticipate the future.  I want to live now.

Lost Materials

I feel bad if I loose something. I feel bad mostly because I think why this even happened. Was I not paying attention? How can I trust myself again if I'm not vigilant about my stuff? The casualties haven't had high values so far, thank God. But still bothers me. I forgot a book in a hotel in Germany two years ago. I forgot a travel size Lore'al shampoo that worked really nice on my hair in a hotel in Colorado, and yesterday, I think I dropped a really nice colored lipstick and lip shine Lancôme duo in South Carolina. But how? I looked in my cosmetic bag twice. It wasn't there and I thought I had forgotten to pack it in the last minute. Couldn't find it at home either. This really bothers more. I am not even sure where I lost it. Can I trust myself with my good stuff again? I'm being too tough on me I know but I just don't like forgetting things.
Happy weekend everyone!

African Themed Dinner Party

We were going to have friends over for the first time since we were back from South Africa to share some of the pictures and stories of the trip.  So I thought to cook some African dishes.  The gathering coincided with A's 6th birthday so we made it a celebratory African themed dinner party: I put the African table runner I had bought from a lady in the market in Cape Town and the matching napkins on the dinner table; Changed the covers of the pillows on the sofa to the covers I had bought from another lady in Cape Town; used my African teapot cover in making the tea; and served the nachos in the ebony bowl I had bought from a local lady at The Cape of Penguins.  It was fun!

It felt very exiting looking for different African recipes to make; there were ingredients I didn't have like Madras Curry Paste and there were some I didn't even know what they were like Cloves. From a week before I selected a few dishes; then a day prior spent four hours shopping for my parties (A had another birthday party on Sunday geared toward the kids) including from International Food Bazaar for the different ingredients needed.

On Saturday, the day of the party, I started working on my dishes. It was indeed fun to make all the dishes for the first time. All the new smells in the house and the new textures in my pots.  I thought to continue trying new themes for future gatherings too. Thankfully, based on the feedbacks all, the dishes turned out deliciously.

Below are the African Recipes I tried:
Avocado Peach Salad
http://www.the-foodist.com/recipes/african-avocado-peach-salad-recipe/

Jollof
http://chefinyou.com/2009/10/african-jollof-rice-recipe/

Bobotie SA traditional dish
http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/5109/bobotie

African Chicken
http://www.chickenrecipes.com.ar/

African Desert
http://ww-recipes.net/2008/06/weight-watchers-african-dessert-recipe-4-points/

Simply Significant

It was at the end of a long long day.  The day had started as early as 6:50 AM with work meetings starting at 7AM. Then meetings with unclear messaging, meetings with argumentative colleagues, meetings with inefficient managements, meetings with disturbing side discussions, delayed meetings, long distance conference calls with unclear voice qualities, promised phone meetings that never happened, and yet another meeting rehashing already decided upon subjects.  I felt exhausted at past 4:40PM; yet I knew that the actual works for the day was just going to begin, to execute my deliverables and respond to compiled emails and manage my work.
I started walking toward the farther break room to grab some water when a colleague raised his head from his work station and asked how my day was going. I just sighed with a tired smile.  He asked "busy?". "Busy cannot describe it!" I replied. He said "there is lots going on young lady! (what he always calls me, young lady) I know what's going on.". Still tiredly I said "yeah, I know, there is really a lot going on!".  At which point he said "and all good stuff, thanks to you, young lady!" and clapped his hands quietly a couple times.
It was a trigger for a big smile: yeah, you are right I said. "All good stuff! That's exactly what I needed to hear at this moment! Thank you!". He nodded with a smile and turned to work. I turned away toward water fountain, feeling appreciated. As simple as that!

The Snail Story

At the last retreat, Cemalnur Sargut told us the story of Moses when he invited God to his place and God agreed.  He cleaned the house and prepared meals and waited but all that showed up at his door was nothing but only a dog.  At night he complained to God why he didn't show up.  God said He did, and asked if Moses met the dog!
So, after that, I tried to pay attention to what showed up at my door.  It was April time and the raining season.  So our front yard and the walk way leading to our door was filled with snails.  They usually left a mark of their path while crawling on the ground, so you could trace their path back.  I usually didn't like seeing them on the path, I wanted them in the yard and not on the path.   After this story I tried to like the snails even on the path.  Every morning I opened the door and there were at least a couple snails at the door.  I would say "hello snails" and smile and walk carefully around them.
One morning, after it had rained, I opened the door and voila, there was a snail at the door.  But this was no ordinary incident.  This time, he had traced an almost complete heart for me!  I smiled cheerfully and said "I love you too Snail! :)" and walked around him.
I wish I had a photo of the snail and his mark to share with you!
I met with D.D. today very briefly and our conversations reminded me of that day.
My exercise: to see God in people too.  I know it is a difficult practice.  But I like challenges!
Yaa Hu

Secretly Happy

If feeling secretly happy is an accomplishment, I feel a great deal of accomplishment today.

Yesterday, while waiting for my flight in the San Jose airport, I bought the SUCCESS (June 2012) magazine for the first time.  Motivation why?  It had a picture of Scarlett Johansson on it.

I remember when I watched Lost in Translation (2003) back in the time I thought if I were an actress I wantedto be like her.  My impressions of her: she is the most confident and content young lady I have seen on TV and on the red carpet.  She doesn’t have this perfect cliché body or even face but she has this utmost sensual air about her; it seems as if she feels calm and sexy.  That is what I admire about her.

Now, her interview with SUCCESS magazine just validated my impression of her.  Her words resonated with me when she said “Doing something that feels impossible makes me feel incredibly happy.” I know what she means!  “I’ve never done a project where I wasn’t sure it would make me secretly happy.” Hah!  Love it.

I really enjoyed my spent on the magazine in the end.  Reading through different articles I kept highlighting here and there and scribbling my thoughts on the side of the pages.

It is amazing how when you really seek something, it seems as if the universe just unveils the means you need to achieve it in front of your eyes.

I feel determined to execute a successful tasks in the near future.  It will be my first project of the kind, but I know I want it to be successful. It is already “emotionally draining”, “exhausting” at times.  Because  it seems impossible.  But achieving it, when the time comes and God willing, is going to make me feel secretly but incredibly happy. Exactly how Scarlett worded it.

Today I had a field ride with our territory manager, M.K. in Peoria, IL.  He picked me up this morning seeming to know exactly what he wanted to accomplish with my presence.  And what was amazing about it, was that he seemed to be certain that I could carry on to his goal.  I felt confident in me too.

We ended up having a couple good meetings and I was very pleased with the feedback I received.  M.K. seemed to be pleased too.  I felt once again how much I liked what I was doing, how secretly scared I was in my first field rides and how confident I felt today. How impossible such day seemed once and how secretly happy I felt today.

And things got even more fascinating; we had a three hour ride to St Louis, MO. We chat, the whole ride.  And granted that is nothing unique because if I find ears who are interested to listen, talking is no trouble.  But this was not me talking the whole ride, this was a reciprocating conversation.  A real nice conversation and above that, fascinating.  We chat about business a ton but we also chat about movies, and books, and religion, and people, and thoughts, and achievements, and striving in being a better person, and meditation, and spirituality.  It was so refreshing and nice being in the field and have the opportunity to carry real conversations.

M.K. has been a former Marine, and he seems proud of it.  It was very easy to talk to him about it.  I had met former marines before but never talked to them about it.  I revealed my take from it, which has been mainly through books and movies and NPR programs.  He was open to listen and to discuss it.  I was impressed by his openness about it.

Today was one of those projects that made me feel accomplished, connected with the universe, grateful, and secretly happy.

PS: Today was my 2nd anniversary in Marketing!  I survived! ;)