But, Being A Mom

I am reading “Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child”, by John Gottman.  Reading it slowly but surely.  And this slowness is not only because of my very limited time to read but also because of the time required to digest the material within me.

Last night, when packing for my two-day business trip to Toronto, I packed the booked at the last minute, hesitating, did I want to be criticized and scored and monitored?  Because this was the feeling the first few chapters of the book imposed on me.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes as a human, and I make mistakes as a mom.  The latter is so very painful to reflect on when I know the harm extends to the loveliest dearest most powerful drive in my being, my own son.  Will I ever be perfect?  For sure not.  It was nice to remember our discussion within my spiritual circle last week, that as long as we are embodied in this life, we are not free of guilt and mistake.  That we take refuge in the love of our Sustainer and ask for forgiveness.  And forgive others as we want to be able to love them the way we want God to love us.  That was a relief!

I read half a chapter at the beginning of this flight, I had to score my awareness of two emotions in me and in others, anger and sadness.  The scores, analyzed by my very limited knowledge of psychology, show that I am fairly aware of “sadness” in me and in others.  However, I am unaware of “anger”.  And I know I do feel angry sometimes particularly with my A.  How ironic!

The author emphasized that kids older than 4 appreciate the meaning of “I am sorry”.  Such a relief!

The other take away from this chapter was how we, as parents, needed to take breathers, to contemplate on our emotional awareness.  And recommends taking share with our spouse to make time for it.  It dawned at me how every lone trip I made during the past few years has been heavily focused on revisiting my acts as a mom while I was left to be all by myself for a few hours for example in a plane ride, and this came to me completely naturally.  I am grateful for such a valuable bi-product in my business trips!

Now back to my book after spending several hours on work emails in between chapters.  Knowing that the book will reveal more weaknesses in me and I want to be brave and face them rather than remain in denial.  Granted, in both cases I will remain the imperfect mom I am.

PS: In the section I started reading, the author make a passage of his experience with his then four-year-old daughter, that he took a play opportunity “… to talk it over, I assured Barbie (and my daughter) that I didn’t mean to scare her and that just because I get angry sometimes doesn’t mean that I don’t love her.”  I thought about this a lot.  I realized that the other night, while my M was away working hard and long, I had to raise my voice after several repeatation to convey a message over to A (no excuse, but I did that).  And within a matter of minute I was back to being calm.  A asked “mom why are you mad?” and I responded calmy “I am not.  I was.  And I love you! J”.  I could see the shock in his eyes.  So someone can raise her voice and then be calm right after?  I guess they can.  Bottom line, it is just human to be a mom J

Looking Back

Standing by the window she was looking outside through the rain.  It was just dawning outside.  She pulled her blanket closer around her bent shoulders.  It ached in her fingers.
She saw her reflection in the window glass.  A few strands of white and grey hair.  Wrinkled eyes.  Pursed lips.  Drooping neck.  She smiled, a bitter smile, and didn't see any sparkle in the reflection of her eyes.
She looked at the clock, 6:58AM, Friday.  Her son may come tomorrow to visit them, or may not.
She poured a cup of French Press coffee with soaked Spanish beans and sat down at the table.  She knew he wouldn't enjoy coffee in the morning, he never did.
The book she was reading last night was still laying there.  She thought to make a trip to the library.  Opened the book and started reading.
The left over coffee went cold.  The fire in the fireplace was too far away to warm her up.  The blanket had slipped off again and she felt her shoulders were freezing.  She reached back and touched one shoulder, bony and wrinkly.  She smiled.  Her shoulders were not touched for ages it felt.  She smiled, a bitter smile.

Sick Day with Movies

Certified Copy (2010)

Directed by Abbas Kiarostami
Starring Jouliette Binoche and William Shimell

A good portion of the movie is showing scenery from a village in Tuscany.  The point of view we observe is sometime thought proviking.  It reminded me of the High School day  when we left the Literature class and watched Under the Olive Trees at Isfahan University with the teacher. We did pay attention to the camera and the scenery and the dialogues.
This movie has amazing dialogues, great plays, and fantastic scenery.
It was a riddle in the end.  The couple seemed to be strangers, the only acquaintance seemed to be the authors book and the lady the fan.  They seem to start getting to know each other, although they seemed comfortable and carefree for a first outing.  The idea behind the book was to praise a copy of an art when the original was praiseworthy.  Then at the middle, the dialogues shifted to a married couples' argues after fifteen years of marriage.  The man feeling exhausted with work and feeling frustrated as his unspoken love was not realized, the woman feeling ignored, unseen, left alone in a married relationship.  One would start to wonder, were they a married couple pretending to get to know each other anew after fifteen years, or they were two strangers pretending being a fifteen-year-old married couple.
I could relate to many of the dialogues.  After all, I am not too far away from being married for fifteen years myself, although I might find myself more suitable for max two years into a relationship.  The scenery was amazing!  And two people, driving and walking and talking reminded me of my favorite of all time, so far, Before Sunset.
I like to watch this movie again.

2 Days in Paris (2007)

Directed by Julie Delpy
Starring Julie Delpy and Adam Goldberg

It was too Julie Delpy may be.  Too similar to her role in Before Sunset.  It was again her with her French intellects, and an American boy friend oblivious to many things around him while concerned with his privacy and ownership.  Sometimes the movie got too far off with discussing liberation I thought.  It was a good movie for a sick day for sure, to pass the time and ease the pain.

A Unique Golden Globes

I had the time blocked on my calendar.  I was excited that after the afternoon birthday party we were invited to there was another nice event to look forward to in this Sunday afternoon.  This was the first time in my movie loving life that there was an Iranian movie nominated for the Golden Globes.
From the fifth minute I felt this excitement inside, would A Separation win the Foreign Language Film I wondered.  More than an hour passed when Madonna introduced the nominees and M was certain they wont won I was certain ... They did win!  I shouted yay!  We were wondering who would have come to collect the Globe and thankfully the writer/director Asghar Farhadi was present.  Also the leading actor Peyman Moadi.  I obviously had nothing to do with the movie, I had just watched it and praised it.  But it was a prideful moment.



We had watched the winning motion picture just this past Friday, The Adventured of Tintin, and all three of us had for the first time enjoyed watching a movie.  Totally fun and exciting enough to keep you along with a five and a half year old happy in the theater room.

The Corner of Life

A corner chair at a Starbucks. This is the closest Starbucks to home, may be 15 minutes walk away. Yet she drove here because she had to take care of other chores before and after. The window by the chair looks at the direction of her house but her eyes are on the alluring hills further away. "I need to buy a swimming cap" she thinks. She takes a mental look at her list: A crockpot cooking book, an all terrains SUV, a cocktail dress, email the first playdate for kinder working moms, visiting a friend in a hospital, finding a new primary care doc, register for a line dancing class, follow up with friends for Friday night dinner, call younger bro. She thinks about the broken faucet & the needed curtain rods. She thinks about the promises of support. She thinks how he wanted to take care of her. How proud he was to introduce her to his new colleagues. She thinks about the last sketch of a man and a woman and two cats and two boys. She thinks she is alone.

Sunday Morning

Feeling good song for Sunday morning.

What I Didn't/Did Miss About Living in America

Didn't:


Boring Night Life:
Unless for the period we were living in downtown Toronto, the night life has been very boring and uniform for me. After getting home after 5PM, and especially now in the dark, it feels like a huge drag to think about leaving the house for a chore at 6PM, or to go to Library, forget about even thinking about going for shopping unless you really really have to!! The town streets are quiet, everybody is at their homes, and all the TVs are on. On the contrary, while back home, I really enjoyed the night life. My mom would leave for her dental office at 6PM to begin with!! Then she would pick me up at 9PM to go have Pizza somewhere with family!! Imagine a kid in a pizzeria after 9PM in U.S.!! Tsk tsk! Then, after all that, she would suggest going to market. Oh I loved it!
Very Sweet Sweets:
I had forgotten how sweet the sweet stuff are in US until yesterday when I took a yummy bite from a chocolate tart. The sugar overpowers the tastes really, even in mocha, unless it is made with care and love of coffee and chocolate.
Even gaz doesn't taste TOO sweet among Iranian sweets after that.
Meal Portions:
Gosh I still feel full from the Fetta Omelet I had this morning. First meal portion I had out of the house since our return on Monday.
Meal portions were not small back home, but they were not this big either.
Cold Houses:
It is cold inside. The house is open from five directions and it is old. Even the office is cold sometime, unless the heater is broken in which case it is HOT.
In Iran houses and apartments can be rather warm actually, sometime too warm.  But usually comfortable.
Indifferent People:
Well, I am not sure if I can make a strong claim here, but many times, in many places, people are indifferent about each other. People just drive or just walk by you or just sit and mind their own business. Even colleagues sometimes, even after coming back from the holidays. Seems like they do not care about you.  They don't even look at you unless they are judging you when your son is whining while walking behind you.
Over there, people are not indifferent.  Sometime they may seem nosy or rude even.  From pedestrians who may throw a comment at your beauty, to the shopkeeper who wants to know why you didn't choose to buy something you decided not to buy, to the family members who ask you if A was going to have another sibling anytime soon, to the driver who chooses to guide the other driver with how to park... People look at each other, they look to find a familiar face, and if they do they pause and say salaam and ask about whomever they know in your family and ask you to say salaam to them too.  If they find you look lost in the market they ask what you needed.  You can ask a total stranger about their experience about the product offerings of a particular shop, and they don't get scared that a stranger is talking to them!  They pause and talk to you in fact, not dismissing you.
Being the Alien:
Needless to say, I feel like the visual and auditory minority almost everywhere.
Needless to say, I do not feel like a minority over there.  As a matter of fact I feel like being from an elite family and living a nice and relatively convenient life.
Driving:
I drive to work, everyday, and drive back home.  I drive to buy milk, I drive to buy a cup of coffee, I drive to take A to his swimming class.  I drive everywhere.  Granted, when the whether is warm and it is only me going to grab a cup of coffee or shop for pizza ingredients from Trade Joe's I sometimes bike.  Otherwise I am usually driving.
Over there people usually drive too, I think they have gotten used to it.  But I walked, a lot.  To go to my sister's place from my dad's, to go shopping for spices, to have a chat with my brother.
Family and Friends:
Needless to say, we are too lonely here sometimes.  I do miss having a bowl of aash at a friends place, or having my afternoon portion of fruit with my mom.  One really feels the love there; many are there who really really love you and miss you and appreciate who you are.

Did:


Driving:
Ironically, I missed driving itself.  I cannot drive over there anymore.  It is too crowded and too chaotic.
My Work:
Needless to say, I really enjoy my work.  I didn't really miss it miss it, but I did look forward to a new year with it.
Disciplining A:
Your child is under too many influences, so is your mind, over there.  It was OK for kids to watch many movies we wouldn't otherwise let A watch.  It was hard to let him realize everything was not always possible as some loved one would make it possible.  It was hard to show him many goods and many bads as they were negated shortly after.
Paying for Goods:
Price of the $ fluctuates and it affects every thing.  Then there is no guarantee about the justness of the price you pay to get something.  You had to bargain on every thing and it is a skill one can forget after a while.
My Friends:
I missed my friends in US, and the circle of my Sufi friends.
My Style:
I can carry my own style in clothing easier here and there.
Clean Air:
You can feel the Oxygen in the air here, it was tough to find over there.
Exercising:
It is way more convenient to exercise here or go for a run.
My Life:
My life is here. I like my life here.

First Watched in 2012

Happy New Year!!!  Now this 2012 is here. Let's pray for the best!!

Footloose(2011)
Finally on board to SFO.  It was a nice trip being away and within.  Only a few minutes of shut eyes.  Time to watch a couple movies and pass the time.  This Footloose was a fun-filled, music-filled, dance-filled movie; now I like to see myself dance a country line dance ha ha ... But seriously, I am a grown up now, for God's sake I am married with a job and I am a mother. What is with these teenage dreams?  May be they are not dreams anymore as much as they are my youth lost in the cave of the passing time. While watching my movie with interruptions, I pause and just watch A, crooked seemingly comfortably in his seat, watching his movies.  I watch his eyes, his nose, his unrolling hair, his now toothless mouth and my heart wells with joy and grace and gratefulness.  I think he is the best thing on this earth, God bless and protect him!

Packing Day

We are departing for THR tomorrow.  It is my grandma's passing anniversary on Friday, brought in a couple weeks earlier so we can attend too. It is packing day today and it feels uncomfortable as always. I resent this part of the trip even though I am grateful that we have been able to make this trip almost annually.  Still it is obvious how it has grown tougher on parents each year to watch us leave since my emigration for the first time eleven years ago.

Things have aged in the past decade, people have aged, relationships have aged, cities have aged. Life is passing so obviously before my eyes.  It is very easy to pause and look back at it all.  After all, this whole life is a passing experience.  I have experienced making many decisions, many mistakes, many moves...  It just worth to bring the attention back to the  inner being and refrain from anything that scatters the mind and heart...

Back to packing our things and the tiny souvenirs we bought and the gifts we received.  Packing to leave home for home...

I got a surprise tonight: unexpectedly had visits from old friends, especially S.F. who was visiting from the States herself but I had last met her a few years ago. Then I called yet another old friend who is visiting from Australia, M.B. I wished there were enough time to meet them all leisurely but the time is limited and the main commitment is toward families... Last dinner with M's family and goodbyes...

Christmas Day

A stayed at my mom's last night which was his first time away from both of us.  There was no buzzing door in the middle of the night or phone ringing to ask for him being picked up. He was very excited to stay.

My dear friends P.P. and N.T. Visited my mom's place last night. It was great, as always, to meet them and chat with them.  We can always pick up old discussions easily and cheerfully. It was a great night!

We visited Naghshe Jahaan and the old bazaar yesterday.  The rugs were still colorful and eye catching.  I so wished to buy a couple but we opted out of buying.

I walked the Jolfa neighborhoods with my brother today; there were many decorated Christmas trees at the windows of the shops and the Vang Church was fully decorated. It was a nice stroll... I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!

One Week Mark

We already have been through our half-time here.  We are certain that next week will fly as quickly but more hectically because there are still visits to be paid and places to go to.

And things have turned to negative ... It started getting polluted again.  Sadly polluted and so bad that they announced closure of the schools for two days. The lawless traffic has not gotten on my nerves yet but no way that I would drive here.  M is doing a great job though driving within this chaos!!

On the positive note we got to meet with my sister-in-law and old friends from Paris and their families today and spent an afternoon playing bowling. It was more fun than I thought it would be.  We, M and I, drove the three kids each belong to each family for part of the drive. It was so cute how they made claims and spoke with different accents sitting in the back seat.

Getting ready to go to uncle's place tonight for dinner...

First Fallen Tooth

Post from Tuesday Dec 20th:

A lost his first baby tooth today! Gosh it feels so ... sad? beater sweet? unexpected? soon?

He had just started having his breakfast when he complained about something being stuck in his teeth and when he touched his tooth I saw that it wiggled. Ah my heart swelled for him!  Finally, my dad the dentist examined it and the decision was to just snap it out so he could eat again otherwise knowing him he was not going to eat anymore and continue trying to "take the stuck thing out" until it was pulled out itself. It bled for a minute only. He asked about Tooth Ferry and we assured him that she would show up here too.  Then he wrapped the tiny little tooth in a napkin and stuck it under his pillow.  He was too excited to show his toothless mouth to my mom and asked to be taken there before M or I went there, so there he went by himself thanks to uncle MR picking him up.

He speaks with a bit of altered "S" sound now.  It is so cute.  He is fascinated and is examining his other teeth every few minutes making sure none other is loos yet.

He is growing up. Fast!  I am going to miss his set one teeth!...

So Far, Day 4

Post from Monday Dec 19th:

It has been nice so far. The air pollution seems less obvious compared to last year's nasty pollution. We can actually see the blue sky but last year it was always a hazy brown sky.  The traffic is somewhat less chaotic and moving, thanks to many constructions that have turned to real infra structure. And people, both among the family and outside are much calmer it seems compared to last year, despite everything political happening. It feels safer too.

I'm so happy and thankful to observe this all! I have had a few leisurely strolls around the city, watching people as if I'm a tourist. I observed that the younger generation, those in high school and college now, are much taller, still may have weird make up and hair due but seem more polite than last year, less aggressive. There are unsaid, unwritten communication rules amongst people here; how to walk to be respected, how to talk to get service in a shop, how to ask for service to receive it. It is actually fun playing by and reprogramming yourself. I got to go to the gym my sister goes to today, it was really fun.

We walked on Khajou Bridge last night, a very beautiful bridge from 360 years ago.  It was an hour past midnight and there was only me and my family and siblings walking on the bridge. It was really beautiful! As if I was seeing it for the first time. But I learned something new indeed: there are two lion statues carved out of rocks at each side of the bridge. Last night, I saw that the eyes of the lion at the north side of the bridge sparkle in the dark when you look at it from the south side of the bridge!! Really neat in the dark of the night!!

A is having a blast basking in the family-love, playing passionately with his younger cousin, staying at grandparents' houses playing with them or by himself for a few hours, and his Farsi has excelled already. He got so excited to read his own name in Farsi on a bank billboard the other day.  He tried "jigar" last night, barbecued lamb liver, and seemed to really enjoy it. Oh and he tried coke too, and said he liked it much... Not so thrilled about that!

I haven't been able to get on blogger since my arrival as the website is filtered. There are other ways to make it work but I haven't gotten around it yet.  I'll be taking notes for now and will post when I can resolve this issue by going around this filtering, like every one does here!

Trust (2010)

Post from last Thursday:

Life is all about choices, isn't it?

For me, to choose to watch this movie, it was enough to know that Clive Owen was starring in it. And it didn't disappoint me. The plays were awesome. The subject was exactly what frightens me in the world. Too many available choices to immature souls too soon.  And too much cunning present. Totally recommend it if you are a teenage, have a teenager, will have a teenager, or are planning to have a kid. It was interesting how an unpleasant scenario may occur to different people and each would choose a different way to deal with it. Like how it was observed so vividly in the "A Separation" too.  Perhaps it is not always choice, it may be autopilot reactions embedded in them by upbringing, society, education. How hard it is that we cannot always protect ourselves and our loved ones. How odd a teenagers mind can think, assuming all she thinks are correct, not trusting parents. How hard it is to make and maintain a solid and trusted relationship between all members of the family. It was a mind blowing idea when it could very well be true.

Entertainment On Board

I was using up my 3G up until the very last moment, promising my colleagues I was logging off for the year for two hours and still responding to emails.

Then riding the plane M wished that we had on demand entertainment TV and I just wished to watch Water For Elephants (2011). I had started listening to its audiobook while driving home but lately I've been on the phone (hands free) for most of my commutes, hence, hardly any time to listen to a book. But I had heard the movie was nice too and when it appeared on the screens of Los Gatos local cinema I wished to watch it but never happened.

Likewise I had wished to watch Larry Crowne (2011) and Midnight in Paris (2011). None happened. So riding the plane I wished for only one movie: Water for Elephants.

Granted, there was on demand entertainment on board, so M got happy right away :) Finally, in the sky, M started browsing the TV list.  Shortly after he announced that my wish had come true too. But he didn't stop: "and Midnight in Paris!" he announced, I clapped my hands, "and 'Larry Crowne'", I had a smile so wide people could see my whole row of teeth from two diagonal rows back. M though announced that he didn't like any of the offerings. Sorry for him!

And who knew, there was even "Ten (2002)" among the Classics.

Larry Crowne (2011) - Directed by Tom Hanks

Not only it stars Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, it is funny. Oh I had a good time watching it! I was thinking it was a nice chilling movie for a lousy holiday afternoon for those staying local or spending a few days away but not necessarily active all the time; like how we spent a few days of the holidays in Santa Barbara two Christmas ago. Icing on the cake: it was filmed in California, as if I had already missed that land! Oh there is too much there not to miss! My take away from it, besides a few fun loud chuckles: to cross the equator!

Midnight in Paris (2011)

Authentic streets that happen to be in Paris, under the rain.  Plush of sparkling greens glowing under the raindrops. Then, the tower clock bangs announcing the midnight. It gives you a bizarre feeling to travel back in time. A passionate love releives you from fear of death it says. Earrings. Magical? Refreshing was how in the depicted 2010 Paris, on the sidewalks or in the cafe, there was no body on laptop or mobile phone or iPad. At least I didn't spot any in this movie. For sure I could relate to the walks, all the walks at night or walks in the rain or walks at night in the rain.

Water for Elephants (2011)

Perhaps the book should have been more exciting and catchy. I was still taken by the excitements and anticipations. It was a fairytale ending with happily ever after hoax I'd think, although heart wants to believe. And a few lay over hours.

A Favorite At The Time

I like the innocence in this song, the purity, the belief, the hope!

Here We Go

A few gifts, a few sets of clothing, a couple pair of shoes, a suitcase.
A asked several times if I were going to go to work today, to which I responded no. This morning, going to school he said he'd miss me. I assured him it was his last three hours of school in 2011 and then we will be away for two and a half weeks. He then said he would miss everyone here. I sighed. "my child! You will say the same when we are departing family at the end of this trip too". He didn't pause on this. But this is the truth about emigrants. Missing all the time.
M and I were talking that Iran may be the only country which doesn't have StarBucks. Good news though is that there are tons of local coffee places with marvelous coffee-based drinks. Oh can't wait to scroll the city again and pause here & there and sip a mocha in one of the nicer places.
My old childhood friend and his family who are living in France are also coming to Isfahan & I'm so looking forward to meeting them. And all other classmates and friends who kept in touch.
I'm looking forward to two nice weeks to just be with my mom and dad, even if to just sit with them and watch them sip a cup of tea. And to get away with my brothers and sister and spend a night in a desert resort.
I bought A's Christmas gift: a bike with hand breaks and gears complete with a helmet and a bell. We sneaked it inside after he left for school this morning and put it in front of the fireplace. I hope that we remember to film him when walking in the door, after coming back from a 24 hour travel time and feeling bruised from goodbyes again when we come back in a couple weeks or so.

A Few Last Days

Plan is to leave to visit family by mid next week.  I will be in The States for another five days in 2011.
I looked at the 2011 wall calendar, the holes were slightly torn.  Then I looked at the 2012 wall calendar in my hand, fresh out of the package all neat and clean.  I smiled.  It wont last for a year either.
It is beater sweet to travel this time.  I am thrilled to meet my family again and I cannot wait for my sunny son to rejoin the loved ones and feel the love again.  Seems like his share of it all is only a couple weeks a year.
Yet I am not so happy about leaving the Christmas holidays behind, missing this whole section of the culture.  I like the decorations and I was thinking that I like to try cooking some holiday special pastries one day, there were a few recipes at the end of "Working Mom" magazine.  A is also looking forward to receiving gifts from Santa Claus.  We have a little bit of decoration above the fire place with a large Christmas Tree candle on the mantle and we are planning to put up some lighting hanging from the roof this weekend, although we wont be here we like to be part of the crowd and showing that we too are happy about the birth of this holy prophet of ours.
I wish for peace on the earth.  Alas we seem to be walking further and further away from it all.  The hostilities are never ending, color, race, religion, gender, nationality, age, wealth, and the list goes on.  But I still hope.  And wish everyone to have a nice and happy rest of 2011.  I will miss it here!

Can't Argue with the Truth :)

"If You Were Born Today, December 3
You are a fervent, loyal, and spirited person who is true to yourself whatever the cost!  You hold strong beliefs yet you are tolerant of others, even if you do enjoy a good debate and trying to "win" others to your perspective.  While at times you can be restless due to an inquisitive and interested nature, you are also capable of great loyalty and dependability, valuing stability and permanency.  You are generally good with money and not big on gambling it away foolishly.  You are truly unique and not afraid to be yourself."

If I were on FB my status would be: Thank God for all the loved ones and friends and family!  Love you all!  boos boos

Ending to Begin

This was the beginning of a new adventure.
She was sitting on the single chair behind the desk. All was packed. The desk was almost empty except for a few stationaries. Her laptop was already gone. There were piles of papers and folders with old rotten data and notes and reminders in the recycle bin. What mattered, a few folders, a couple souvenirs, some pictures, and a few books were put in two boxes. She erased her voice from the answering machine.
She looked around. Experience and memory. Smiled.
She grabbed the boxes, and stepped out more confidently than she had entered, and left the past.  She had matured for a new journey.