But, Being A Mom

I am reading “Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child”, by John Gottman.  Reading it slowly but surely.  And this slowness is not only because of my very limited time to read but also because of the time required to digest the material within me.

Last night, when packing for my two-day business trip to Toronto, I packed the booked at the last minute, hesitating, did I want to be criticized and scored and monitored?  Because this was the feeling the first few chapters of the book imposed on me.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes as a human, and I make mistakes as a mom.  The latter is so very painful to reflect on when I know the harm extends to the loveliest dearest most powerful drive in my being, my own son.  Will I ever be perfect?  For sure not.  It was nice to remember our discussion within my spiritual circle last week, that as long as we are embodied in this life, we are not free of guilt and mistake.  That we take refuge in the love of our Sustainer and ask for forgiveness.  And forgive others as we want to be able to love them the way we want God to love us.  That was a relief!

I read half a chapter at the beginning of this flight, I had to score my awareness of two emotions in me and in others, anger and sadness.  The scores, analyzed by my very limited knowledge of psychology, show that I am fairly aware of “sadness” in me and in others.  However, I am unaware of “anger”.  And I know I do feel angry sometimes particularly with my A.  How ironic!

The author emphasized that kids older than 4 appreciate the meaning of “I am sorry”.  Such a relief!

The other take away from this chapter was how we, as parents, needed to take breathers, to contemplate on our emotional awareness.  And recommends taking share with our spouse to make time for it.  It dawned at me how every lone trip I made during the past few years has been heavily focused on revisiting my acts as a mom while I was left to be all by myself for a few hours for example in a plane ride, and this came to me completely naturally.  I am grateful for such a valuable bi-product in my business trips!

Now back to my book after spending several hours on work emails in between chapters.  Knowing that the book will reveal more weaknesses in me and I want to be brave and face them rather than remain in denial.  Granted, in both cases I will remain the imperfect mom I am.

PS: In the section I started reading, the author make a passage of his experience with his then four-year-old daughter, that he took a play opportunity “… to talk it over, I assured Barbie (and my daughter) that I didn’t mean to scare her and that just because I get angry sometimes doesn’t mean that I don’t love her.”  I thought about this a lot.  I realized that the other night, while my M was away working hard and long, I had to raise my voice after several repeatation to convey a message over to A (no excuse, but I did that).  And within a matter of minute I was back to being calm.  A asked “mom why are you mad?” and I responded calmy “I am not.  I was.  And I love you! J”.  I could see the shock in his eyes.  So someone can raise her voice and then be calm right after?  I guess they can.  Bottom line, it is just human to be a mom J