Goodbye Maternity Leave

This was the last week of my maternity leave. I am going to resume work after just 13.5 weeks outside the job on Monday, enshala. My little angel will be only 12 weeks young when I resume work.

It was a tough week:

First my mom left forcing me to adjust to managing my new life by myself, and then I heard that my supportive boss was resigning. It feels like a complex time for him to leave, exactly when I am coming back to work after several weeks.  My nanny started working this week which added the stress of managing and training her. It was really rough and frankly overwhelming at times.

But then, a God-sent gift: my cousin arrived from New York.

She is a lovely and smart person. She is a few years younger than me and has been in the US practically her whole life. I take pride in her, watching her grow from afar and becoming this successful independent young lady with a very kind soul.

I'm thankful for her visit, being here exactly when I needed her moral support. She listened to me and my dreams and my worries genuinely and then lift my spirit by all her kind words counting my strengths and boosting my confidence.  God bless you my dear cousin!

Now I am trying to resume my trust, in the universe and its intents. Stepping into the new unknown. Excited and I know I can do it, enshala. And I surely miss my 12 months of maternity leave in Canada.

Feeling Like A Couple Again After the Kids

M and I got to spend a solid four hours together today. It feels good!

At Monterey today, my dear mom took A to the Monterey Bay Aquarium for a few hours. M and I passed lest with the little angel our time would be spent attending to her. Instead, we walked the Cannery Row for a few times.

We started the walk chatting about a couple hurts, acknowledging them and clearing our minds for only 5 minutes or so.  Then we strolled around; window shopped a bit, tried some sea salt taffies, had a marvelous Cappuccino at the Happy Girl's Kitchen, and bought a couple souvenirs.  After a few hours I realized we had not talked about A, had attended to the baby only a couple times, and mostly had spent our time being together; we were simply a couple again.  It felt as if we hadn't had such time for a long long time and suddenly it felt really refreshing.

Funnily as soon as we united with my dear mom and A all the cajoling and A talking resumed. That made the past few hours as a couple even bolder, more precious.  I feel charged up for a while now. Feels great actually!

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Loving the Emptied Bump

I just realized how hard I was to and how thankful I am for this empty bump. And I owe it to Grace.

I attended a Yoga for Moms class the other night. I invited my mother to go with me.  After a long time I got to leave home sans bebe for two full hours and frankly, it was a blessing by itself.  I missed my babies dearly by the time I was driving back home while I left anxiously yet happily the second my car was off the driveway.

I hadn't practiced yoga for a good 9 weeks.  The last time I went to a prenatal yoga class I was so big I couldn't see my toes and my chest didn't have much room to breathe.  It was good to be allowed to do some moves laying on my belly after a long while.

It was particularly great that everyone there were moms: tired, worried, grateful, overwhelmed, open, and needing the company of others, and needing to focus on their body for an hour or so.

It was a blessing to have Grace as our instructor. It was the first time I met her but I could tell she was a genuinely graceful person from the way she welcomed me and my mother to her class.  She was considerate and focused.  It was indeed a nice yoga practice through her guidance.

Then something unexpected happened: during the savasana, the end meditation session, she asked all to put one hand on their heart and one on their belly and feel the breath laying down on their back. So far the routin. Then after a few moments she asked the moms who recently had given birth to put both hands on their belly and give thanks to the empty space housing our babies for 9 months. She brought our attention to this void, noted how we carried our babies in this space the same way our mothers carried us and how their mothers carried them. How this lineage went back in time.

Feeling the empty bump, I found tears coming down my cheeks; I felt like really crying. I was oblivious to this seemingly obvious fact let alone being thankful for it.

Now, I am thankful to this emptied bump!

Namaste!

Note from A Woman With A Bump: The Remaining Bump

I have been thinking, wondering how my body looked and felt before I got pregnant for the first time.  I do not remember much.  What I do remember is how I was critical toward it, not much appreciative or pleased with it, not much enjoying it.  Now that body is gone for ever.
Getting pregnant has taken my body through a tremendous journey of changes.  The most drastic change since puberty for sure.  Looking back, I realize that I did not cherish my body through puberty.  I was not feeling comfortable with the changes; so I just closed my eyes on it. Now I fantasize about the memory of it, yearn it, perhaps even mourn it sometimes.
Then, while still ignorant and critical, suddenly pregnancy happened.
Getting pregnant makes the body femininely beautiful.  The glowing skin, the undoubtedly growing belly that houses a precious new being.  It is mysterious.  The body is the center of attention during pregnancy as soon as it starts to show.  There was absolutely no urge, may be for the first time since puberty, to look thin.  It was surprisingly enjoyable to change clothing to the larger sizes.
Yet, after the delivery and when the body was drained of all the excessive liquids, it was left with an empty, loose, sagging, fat tummy.  An aching body incapable of many of the movements it could endure before pregnancy.  A hunching shoulder under the pressures of nursing.
There was not much I could do about all the changes.  I was taken through the journey.  It feels as if I had lost control over it all.  It seems as if I am left with a useless wardrobe and no desire to spend on new larger size cloths.
Now my body and physical appearance are in the baby's shadow, or so I wish!  An acquaintance of mine who had not seen me for a year or so told me the other day "oh my dear! you look fat!"  I sometimes feel I am struggling.  I cannot afford looking like this for ever.  This lost control insults my willpower.  I am losing weight and little by little getting back to some of my baggier yet tegular cloths; yet it is funny how that growing body was gaining more attention than this thinning body.  There are friends (and celebrities) who claim to have lost the "baby fat" in three weeks!  Boasting their bodies in tight pants and fitting dresses carrying the few months old baby.  It feels as if there exists a subliminal competition match.  All the pressure!

Looking fit is not all trend, indeed it is maintaining a healthy body to allow cajoling with all the responsibilities of motherhood.  I have not resumed my regular exercises so there is hope.  And of course I wont ever trade a hair of either of my kids for a pre-pregnancy body.  But oh!  Do I wonder!

Women, Promotion, Pregnancy

Recently my dear friend, FH, recommended me to read the book Lean In by Sherly Sandberg.  I just watched her TED Talk, Why we have too few women leaders, and really enjoyed it. Particularly being pregnant and being interested in promotions   I hope for a motivating job to go back to after maternity leave inshala. And I am hopeful.  Enjoy this TED Talk!

The Missing Thing

A girl friend.
The thought of it makes me feel so lonely. The thought of confessing to it, even more so.
Once my aunt asked me about a series of questions the answers to which would tell you about you... So there is a road ... It ends to a hut... You open the door... There is a table... What's on the table? I said a bowl of fruit. She said you like company and you care for your friends.
I do. Both.
But I miss my friends. Someone who cares deeply for me.  You has my back. Who is strong when I'm weak and who shares her weaknesses with me wanting my strengths.
I am so lonely here. May be it is like so everywhere.

En Route To Budapest

Going to the East Europe for the first time.  Budapest.  In the middle of February. Have been in the plane for hours already.  I have a headache, feel completely dry, and can't sleep.

The baby is moving.  Oh it is the sweetest thing.  I have started feeling her move since early January.  It was then two weeks ago that her movement got strong enough one morning to be felt from outside; her first strong move was felt by her dad actually as it was a Sat morning; Sat, Jan 26^th to be exact.  In this flight she has moved strongly a few times.  I think my sitting down idle has made her want to be active. I cherish her company.  Absolutely love it.  Thank You God!

Feedback and All That is Around It

I believe in the empowering aspect of feedback.  I think feedback allows any individual, particularly the leaders, to assess their performance against their perception of themselves.

I believe it is an ability to possess or develop to seek feedback, not everyone is capable of doing it, now either out of fear of being criticized or contempt.

I have always sought colleagues' and management's feedback and even though most of the time positive, I focus on the not so positive ones in order to shape my path more effectively.  I know that is th perfectionist achiever in me in effect, preventing me to enjoy the positives and reprimanding me for the shortcomings.

Today I got a very interesting feedback from one of the perceived women leaders in the organization; that to seek input into your performance, especially as a woman, was a sign of insecurity and signaled the need for hand holding in the decision making process.

Even though I completely disagree with this comment, this was a contemplative input.  That some leaders equate seeking advice to needing guidance rather than an opportunity to improve, gauge,  and empower self to develop.  I am going to pause on this for a while and revisit an old book in the mean time:
What Management Is by Joan Magretta

Take This Waltz (2011)

Hated it so much I loved it.



"Life has a gap in it it just does.  You don't go crazy trying to fill it."
" - New things are shiny
- New things get old"