Note from A Woman With A Bump: The Remaining Bump

I have been thinking, wondering how my body looked and felt before I got pregnant for the first time.  I do not remember much.  What I do remember is how I was critical toward it, not much appreciative or pleased with it, not much enjoying it.  Now that body is gone for ever.
Getting pregnant has taken my body through a tremendous journey of changes.  The most drastic change since puberty for sure.  Looking back, I realize that I did not cherish my body through puberty.  I was not feeling comfortable with the changes; so I just closed my eyes on it. Now I fantasize about the memory of it, yearn it, perhaps even mourn it sometimes.
Then, while still ignorant and critical, suddenly pregnancy happened.
Getting pregnant makes the body femininely beautiful.  The glowing skin, the undoubtedly growing belly that houses a precious new being.  It is mysterious.  The body is the center of attention during pregnancy as soon as it starts to show.  There was absolutely no urge, may be for the first time since puberty, to look thin.  It was surprisingly enjoyable to change clothing to the larger sizes.
Yet, after the delivery and when the body was drained of all the excessive liquids, it was left with an empty, loose, sagging, fat tummy.  An aching body incapable of many of the movements it could endure before pregnancy.  A hunching shoulder under the pressures of nursing.
There was not much I could do about all the changes.  I was taken through the journey.  It feels as if I had lost control over it all.  It seems as if I am left with a useless wardrobe and no desire to spend on new larger size cloths.
Now my body and physical appearance are in the baby's shadow, or so I wish!  An acquaintance of mine who had not seen me for a year or so told me the other day "oh my dear! you look fat!"  I sometimes feel I am struggling.  I cannot afford looking like this for ever.  This lost control insults my willpower.  I am losing weight and little by little getting back to some of my baggier yet tegular cloths; yet it is funny how that growing body was gaining more attention than this thinning body.  There are friends (and celebrities) who claim to have lost the "baby fat" in three weeks!  Boasting their bodies in tight pants and fitting dresses carrying the few months old baby.  It feels as if there exists a subliminal competition match.  All the pressure!

Looking fit is not all trend, indeed it is maintaining a healthy body to allow cajoling with all the responsibilities of motherhood.  I have not resumed my regular exercises so there is hope.  And of course I wont ever trade a hair of either of my kids for a pre-pregnancy body.  But oh!  Do I wonder!

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Sleeping for A New Mom

Broken nights. That's what I get. Usually a couple hours at the beginning of the night, which starts around 1 AM. And then just an hour or so here and there with waken hours in between.
I feel tired! I really hope to sleep for 5-6 hours straight once. Since the last months of pregnancy I haven't been able to sleep much.
I see two big black circles under my eyes now, the patches of motherhood I suppose.
A friend suggested to let my mom take care of the baby for a night with pumped milk. But I couldn't convince myself. Not to burden my mom, but more importantly not to lose the connection with my baby girl for a whole night. She just turned one month after all.
May be I'm not thinking clearly with all the sleeplessness. Point is, it won't last for ever. Soon I will forget all about all these.

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Delivery Anxiety

I feel scared of delivery.
I was not feeling a tiny bit anxious when I was pregnant with A. I was tired I remember, and heavy and uncomfortable. But I was looking forward to my contractions ever so calmly.
This time however, in the past few nights, I have started feeling too anxious I feel hyper ventilated. I need to get up and walk ... thinking of my favorite things not to think about this.
I feel suffocated.
What if the baby is pressing in my lungs while I need to breathe the most?
What if my stomach can't tolerate the pain and I have even more acid reflux blocking my esophageal and ultimately my breathing canal?
What if she starts moving too much pressing on my organs and give me more pain?
What if I can't breathe?
I have been trying to think about my body as a separate entity from "I". That helps to calm my nerves but what if I forget about this when I'm in labor?
What if I tear? Get completely damaged?
I try to think how much I love this baby girl and want to meet her.  But I feel scared of what she can do to my body during delivery.
I try to practice meditation, pray, and being present but what if I forget all that?
What if I die during labor after enduring so much agony and pain?
...
So, today I went to the library and grabbed several pregnancy and labor books. Opened them all to delivery and labor session and read them all, in addition to all the books and articles I had read before, getting myself prepared for the worst.
My upside down pear-shape uterus will take the shape of a canal during contractions.
The last stage of dilation, between 8 to 10cm dilation, can be the most painful time that can make my body feel exhausted, drained out of energy, and I won't have any appetite to eat to regain energy.
I might vomit. (This is something I dislike the most after feeling suffocated).
I might tear, get a swollen cervix.
I might get weak in my legs, get too tired to move, get dehydrated.
I might change my mind about pain management medicine too late.
I might get stressed out or really fearful.
There. I know now.
I have vomited before.
I have felt suffocated before.
I have been in pain before.
And I will die one day anyway.
I decided to stay open minded about whatever comes up. I am strong and it's OK to feel weak.  What I can control is stress and fear.  I will do my best.
I think I can do it. Enshala!  But I take your advise too if any.

Notes from A Woman with a Bump: Maternity Leave

I am finally off work.  My parents and grandma have been worried about me working so late into my pregnancy.  Back home the custom is for the pregnant lady to take the last couple months easy, relaxed, and concentrated on nesting.  Now God willing I might get a couple weeks or so.
A and I made a trip to the mall yesterday with two specific stops.  Shopped for Father's Day present.  Had lunch at food court and then headed to the movie theater: Epic. A seemed to really enjoy himself.  We got back home by about 4:30 for a quick nap and unwinding.  I need these naps because I am sleep deprived at night with hip pain and acid reflux.
I must admit that I couldn't refrain from having sneak peaks into my  mailbox here and there.  My excuse was to delete emails as they come so I am not confronted with 1000s of email upon return to work in a few months.  And a sales rep called about a fantastic recent case and wanted to thank my efforts; that was kind of him.
Today we are meeting a friend for lunch.  Looking forward to a relaxed outing.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Missing

There is more or less three more weeks to go, enshaalaa.  I feel uncomfortable most of the time.  Breathing is hard, eating feels uncomfortable both before and after, sleeping can feel painful in my hip and back, and I wake up to a stiff body that prenatal yoga helps a lot with alleviating the pain.
Despite, I already think I am going to miss these days.  Not for the uncomfortable parts of course, but for mere fact of being pregnant.
Being pregnant seems very mysterious to me.  It manifests the Divine Love and Power.  It is powerful and I enjoy it.
I also am cherishing the shape of this pregnant body.  May be the beauty is in the fact that it does not remain like this, and what will come after will never be like how it was before.
I am going to miss being pregnant, I am sure.  But I am ever so thankful for this grand opportunity, here and now.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Chocolate

What I'm seriously craving for: chocolate.
When I'm home in the morning, I make myself a spicy hot chocolate.
In the middle of the day I put two scoops of chocolate ice-cream in a mug and pour milk on top of it. Ah the icy chocolate-y treat!!
Then in the end of the day a mini double chocolate bar.
When we ran out of the cold chocolates I made the family make a trip to grocery store at 9PM. I never thought I'd do this but I think if there was any venue for it, it was at such a night: hot and pregnant.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Uncertainty

Tyree weeks and three days to the calculated due date. But who knows?
Contractions have started for sure. At times really breath taking since a few hours ago albeit pretty sporadical. Nothing is certain.  This is one of the most interesting lessons in pregnancy. That you can't plan because you can't know.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Sleepless Nights

Lately, I dread the sleeping hours.  There is no position I wont feel uncomfortable in the bed (already given up on feeling comfortable).  My bump is absolutely on the way, it presses on my weakened stomach and gives me heart-burn, and my hips pain under all the extra 42 lbs of weight they have to endure.  Plus I get hot and thirsty and if I drink water, there is no way I can get back to bed without even more acid reflux.
I have a body pillow to support my hips, I have a bottle of Thums beside my bed, and a couple pillows to prop my torso in a seated position when laying on the side wears out.  Yet, the combination of all don't help more than 2-3 hours.
Then, I just get up, pacing in the house, drink some water and pace some more, and eventually turning on my laptop and work some.  Or blog some.  Like now at 2:31AM while I have been up since 1:50AM.
I feel truly welcomed to the 9th month of pregnancy!

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Finding Baby Name

It's a huge deal for us; name of the baby. We like the name to be Persian, meaningful, strong, and global. We want it to pronounce well and mean good, at least not bad, in most common languages. We want it not to be too popular, too foreign, too old, too new. We want the name to have our parents approval in the end.  We want it to be short and sweet.
It's a project by itself.
I realized that we had more possible options with the name of my son compared to a girl's name. One theory I have is that Persian girls' names, even though meaningful and strong, but hard to pronounce in English. For example, some of my favorite names: Mehrangiz, Saghi, Shaghayegh.
There are several websites with name ranking and name meaning, and several forum asking for suggestions (not my kind of thing). But I found this website the best:
http://www.thinkbabynames.com/
It provides with the name's meaning, other names that rhyme with it, some statistics, and different  prononciation and spelling. What's really cool is that you can search for names that rhyme with another name, for example an older siniling's name.
It's a cumbersome yet fun project in the end. Kids deserve pretty and meaningful names. Good lunch finding yours!

A Woman with a Bump - Rollercoaster Day

It was a strange day. I don't know when it started affecting me so hard.
I started a beautiful day feeling good. I was wearing a new maternity dress I had just bought even though only two more months remaining of my pregnancy. Needed a flowydress for these hot days. And got lots of compliment. Even "you are the most beautiful pregnant lady I've ever seen"!!:) so sweet a remark after the comment about me having twins.
But then I received an ungrateful review for one of my meetings.  It didn't affect me much at the time; I knew I had done my part and knew sometimes people can act selfish and demanding but the more it passed the deeper it hurt.  It was not a successful meeting and I think it was because of lack of communication and knowledge from the other party involved. But then suddenly it had become my fault!  Makes me wonder if it is like this everywhere.
I'm looking forward to reducing load and taking off for a while.  Soon enshala.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Coping

There are nine weeks remaining to my due date; I love having her within me for another nine weeks.
Yet I feel exhausted in my body lately.
I am trying to observe me and the changes within me, both emotionally and physically.
I am loving and nurturing my baby.  I try to talk to her sometimes and recently started reciting the holy verses to her.
I try to meditate, even if for two deep breaths.
I try to eat natural and that makes me feel good.
I am adding flower essences (rose or orange blossom) to my ice cold water and really enjoy the soothing sensation flowing in me.
The most challenging exercise in my coping is to not get angry.  I am observing this feeling and try to remain calm through it.
I am trying to finish my work commitments sooner, just in case.
There is still a lot to be done at home in preparation but I try to take care of them one by one.  Mainly, I am working on a couple lists.  But hopefully will find the time to execute them.
This pregnancy is allowing me to observe more consciously.  All is calm...

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Weight Gain

My body gained 52lbs during my first pregnancy.  I was not necessarily swollen, I do not recall.  But I was big.  Huge in the last few weeks.  This 52lb gain was after 5lbs loss in the first trimester.
They say for a woman with normal BMI, the healthy weight gain is 25-35lbs.
But there was nothing I could do to slow down the weight gain cause there was nothing I was doing to gain in the first place.  No particular overindulgence but lack of physical activities for sure, even though I swam once a week and walked when the snow storms on Toronto allowed and did yoga till 7th month.
I lost it all in the first 3 months post deliver.  I was back to where I was after that.  Granted, I stayed active.  And I cannot wait to be able to do a set of 20 jumping jacks again followed one of those 2 minutes ab works from Exercise TV.
This time, my body started gaining weight from the beginning of my pregnancy.  I do not appreciate the negative remarks about my body's form and weight gain to be honest.  I appreciate "you are a cute pregnant lady" though ;)  Which I do get a lot.  But last week a colleague asked about the week I am in, week 30th, and then asked if I had a twin!!  Interestingly her own body is on the heavy side.
In the past four weeks my body has gained only 2lbs, which is a record low since I routinely meet my doc.
Today in one of the many pregnancy magazines laying around the house I read that in the 3rd trimester the baby grows twice as tall and gains four times its weight.  Well.  Here we go!

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Baby Kicks

Quickening.
That is the word for the baby kicks.  Vocabulary.
I have been able to feel her kicks since week 14 of pregnancy.  A pregnant colleague gasped "impossible!".  Well.  I have.  But M has been feeling the kicks closer to week 20.  Is she too strong or am I too sensitive?
Recently, the kicks and the patterns have changed to a strange mode I do not recall remembering from my first pregnancy.  Oh well, it was seven years ago.
She is still kicking and pressing here and there.  But sometimes she jerks too suddenly it feels as if she was stuck and suddenly got free.  Also she seems to shake here and there.  Not quite "shaking", but that is the best way I can describe it.
Thankfully I met with my doc yesterday and she assured me any movement was considered good.
So, baby!  Please just move.  Mommy loves it!