1. I have been thinking about AA's mom a lot lately, a grandmother now, a lady who looks very fit and nice for her age, who goes to the gym every other day, whose voice resembles the pretty soft but firm voices of radio talk show hostesses, who stands tall and wears fashionable and pretty cloths. A housewife who is pretty knowledgeable about Iranian and American history, who has read lots and lots of books, who has interesting ideas about politics, and who enjoys her grandson a lot. I loved her the first time I met her. I think what I love about her the most is the fact that she knows who she is and acknowledges that. I hardly heard any wave of hesitation in her voice. She knows what could have gone better in her life but she knows why it didn't. She is an awesome woman in my eyes and I am going to miss her now that she is moving back to Iran.
2. I have decided to run a 10K race. Training for it is more difficult than I initially imagined. I have found a training schedule online and am trying to follow it. I actually modified the schedule with Mr E's input since he has already ran a Marathon and knows the intensity of the program already. Based on the modified schedule I am supposed to run 3 miles this Saturday, my first Saturday into the program. I am excited about this.
3. A goes to the little gym now. He gets offended though it you mentioned he was going to the little gym, he says "it is big!"
4. I decided I wanted to obtain an MBA degree, searched for schools, eliminated options based on different criteria, chose a school, applied, got admitted alhamdolellah, and registered for my first course just yesterday. I have to go to school and get a student card now. This last task item threw me into the reality of this all. I have become a university student, again!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Alley
It was a narrow but long alley separating two winding rows of stables and ranches and estates. Some with tall break walls, some with wooden fences, wall flowers hanging from atop. There was a narrow brook running on one side, shrubs and wildflowers competing for the banks. The morning rain had washed all the shrubs alongside of the alley. The guarding walls were still wet. It was a cloudy afternoon.
It was set from weeks ago that they were going to meet there. He was gone for a month now and just before he left they had made a pledge to meet in that alley, in the afternoon of his return, rain or shine.
She never counted the days all that month, wanted to live each day by itself; it was a month of her life after all. She underwent the first three weeks hiding her heart behind four text books she had to study; Finished three and dragged on with the last one, no desire to finish this last one, no strength to endure the last week without a mind occupying hardship to keep her sanity.
It was the Sunday of his return, finally. She found herself in the alley before time. Puddles of rain water stained the path. She started walking along the flooding brook. She didn't wear her watch, intentionally. It was maddening having a counter beckoning the moments of her life flying away, bringing her closer to the end of her time, and her insane heart wanting that! The struggle between her logic and heart. Maddening. No watch to be worn in the alley on that afternoon.
That last week appeared to be harder than expected. It was the week during which she felt her heart wrenched more frequently, aching so hard she could wish she had no heart not to ache. But she did never wish so. Instead, she calmed her wrenching heart, or at least tried so. She closed her eyes every time inhaling deeply trying to remember the scent of his skin. The memory of that scent was disappearing though.
She inhaled deeply to feel the mixed fragrances of grass and wild flowers and rain drops.
The alley wound a few bends. She preferred that. The bends made the distances shorter; there always was a possibility of his appearance from a road blinded by a bend rather than a straight road stretched to the infinity void from any sign of his.
She had imagined their encounter a million times with a million different scenarios: As she saw him she would run to him, him standing in the distant; he would run to her, her frozen by his sight; she wouldn't see him until they literally bumped into each other... then she would hug him softly; she would jump on his chest grab his neck curl her knees around his back inhale his forgotten scent; she would just shake hand with him; she would shake hand and kiss his cheeks; ... then she would ask how his trip back was; she would say she was miserable without him; she would ask when he would be off on his next flight out; she would tell him how much her heart had missed him; ... then she would tell him she had to go back home soon being there too long; she would tell him she had all the evening to spend together; she would recommend having an ice cream in the newly remodeled parlor in downtown so they were in public;... her mind and heart in a constant battle of propriety and lust... but she knew she particularly wanted to inhale his manly scent again, kiss the side of his forehead to carry some of his scent forever with her.
On a very wide bend she saw him running toward her. She smiled. He started slowing down, panting, walking. She continued walking, said hi casually from distance. They stood a foot away from each other, greeting from afar. She stretched the bar of chocolate she had saved to share with him, he scratched his head forgetting to bring the running wrist watch she had asked him to. They walked back together, reviewing the to do list for the week. She was nodding her head smiling in her heart remembering all the long lost romantic memories of that alley.
It was set from weeks ago that they were going to meet there. He was gone for a month now and just before he left they had made a pledge to meet in that alley, in the afternoon of his return, rain or shine.
She never counted the days all that month, wanted to live each day by itself; it was a month of her life after all. She underwent the first three weeks hiding her heart behind four text books she had to study; Finished three and dragged on with the last one, no desire to finish this last one, no strength to endure the last week without a mind occupying hardship to keep her sanity.
It was the Sunday of his return, finally. She found herself in the alley before time. Puddles of rain water stained the path. She started walking along the flooding brook. She didn't wear her watch, intentionally. It was maddening having a counter beckoning the moments of her life flying away, bringing her closer to the end of her time, and her insane heart wanting that! The struggle between her logic and heart. Maddening. No watch to be worn in the alley on that afternoon.
That last week appeared to be harder than expected. It was the week during which she felt her heart wrenched more frequently, aching so hard she could wish she had no heart not to ache. But she did never wish so. Instead, she calmed her wrenching heart, or at least tried so. She closed her eyes every time inhaling deeply trying to remember the scent of his skin. The memory of that scent was disappearing though.
She inhaled deeply to feel the mixed fragrances of grass and wild flowers and rain drops.
The alley wound a few bends. She preferred that. The bends made the distances shorter; there always was a possibility of his appearance from a road blinded by a bend rather than a straight road stretched to the infinity void from any sign of his.
She had imagined their encounter a million times with a million different scenarios: As she saw him she would run to him, him standing in the distant; he would run to her, her frozen by his sight; she wouldn't see him until they literally bumped into each other... then she would hug him softly; she would jump on his chest grab his neck curl her knees around his back inhale his forgotten scent; she would just shake hand with him; she would shake hand and kiss his cheeks; ... then she would ask how his trip back was; she would say she was miserable without him; she would ask when he would be off on his next flight out; she would tell him how much her heart had missed him; ... then she would tell him she had to go back home soon being there too long; she would tell him she had all the evening to spend together; she would recommend having an ice cream in the newly remodeled parlor in downtown so they were in public;... her mind and heart in a constant battle of propriety and lust... but she knew she particularly wanted to inhale his manly scent again, kiss the side of his forehead to carry some of his scent forever with her.
On a very wide bend she saw him running toward her. She smiled. He started slowing down, panting, walking. She continued walking, said hi casually from distance. They stood a foot away from each other, greeting from afar. She stretched the bar of chocolate she had saved to share with him, he scratched his head forgetting to bring the running wrist watch she had asked him to. They walked back together, reviewing the to do list for the week. She was nodding her head smiling in her heart remembering all the long lost romantic memories of that alley.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Nothing is Perfect
Taste the honey and endure the pain of the decaying tooth
Befriend her and watch her turn her back and leave
Make friends and observe your own unbelieving eyes when you are driven away from them
Kiss his lips and bear the pain of bitten tongue
Give birth and hear him not inviting you to his birthday party
Watch her beauty and ache the desire to hold her
Enjoy the night and burn in the heat of the regretful hell
Love him and swallow his devilishly unfair look at you
Nothing is perfect, ever, in this perfect world of the Gods!
Befriend her and watch her turn her back and leave
Make friends and observe your own unbelieving eyes when you are driven away from them
Kiss his lips and bear the pain of bitten tongue
Give birth and hear him not inviting you to his birthday party
Watch her beauty and ache the desire to hold her
Enjoy the night and burn in the heat of the regretful hell
Love him and swallow his devilishly unfair look at you
Nothing is perfect, ever, in this perfect world of the Gods!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Rear View Mirror
It was no particularly significant time of the day; it was not at dawn, nor at dusk, it was not raining and there was no rainbow in the sky to be seen. It was just a late afternoon.
People were rushing, to home or somewhere. People in Bay Area are always rushing, to home or work or somewhere. In the rushing moments there are some who need a rush of caffeine who would stop by a Peet's or go through drive through Starbucks rushing to rush the spike of energy to their brain cells. They hardly even taste their coffee any more. A few though, a very rare few, would park by the coffee shop and literally get out to stay. This coffee shop was no Starbucks or Peet's, it was noticeable: A simple, old, dusty coffee shop with mismatching and raggedy furniture decorated with large canvas bags of coffee beans and local artists artworks.
It was no particularly significant time of the day but a particularly significant spot in the town. They had parked by the coffee shop not noticing the rushing traffic about and turned off the car. There was no desire in either of them to leave the car though in that late afternoon despite the significance of the venue.
He checked his watch one last time, she started the car. He opened the door, stepped out, and shut the door close, she whirled into the rushing traffic of the late afternoon. He walked towards the coffee shop not even once turning back to look, she watched him stepping away in her rear view mirror vanishing like a blue dot into the particularly significant coffee shop, alone.
People were rushing, to home or somewhere. People in Bay Area are always rushing, to home or work or somewhere. In the rushing moments there are some who need a rush of caffeine who would stop by a Peet's or go through drive through Starbucks rushing to rush the spike of energy to their brain cells. They hardly even taste their coffee any more. A few though, a very rare few, would park by the coffee shop and literally get out to stay. This coffee shop was no Starbucks or Peet's, it was noticeable: A simple, old, dusty coffee shop with mismatching and raggedy furniture decorated with large canvas bags of coffee beans and local artists artworks.
It was no particularly significant time of the day but a particularly significant spot in the town. They had parked by the coffee shop not noticing the rushing traffic about and turned off the car. There was no desire in either of them to leave the car though in that late afternoon despite the significance of the venue.
He checked his watch one last time, she started the car. He opened the door, stepped out, and shut the door close, she whirled into the rushing traffic of the late afternoon. He walked towards the coffee shop not even once turning back to look, she watched him stepping away in her rear view mirror vanishing like a blue dot into the particularly significant coffee shop, alone.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Until Tomorrow
It was a rainy weeknight. A quite Indian restaurant, not busy at all, her, and a few friends. Indian food, jokes and laughter, music and pictures, good wishes and hugs and tears...
She always liked her job and her company, she was one of the best resources in her department, and one of the best girls to hang out with, and above all, to befriend with. However, lately she was not satisfied with her job any more. She was growing and the work shell she had could not acceptably house her talent any longer. She deserved a better bigger shell. She needed new challenges, new responsibilities, new leadership, newer management. Circumstances just helped push her out of her familiar but uncomfortable shell. And she finally was found by this great opportunity. She was certain the new job was going to provide her with growth, exactly what she deserved. Alas the job was in San Diego. She shipped her stuff down south. Even her car was going to be shipped the next day. And she is flying to San Diego on Friday. A one-way ticket... She said her goodbyes to the company, coworker and colleagues today and her exit interview escorted her towards her new horizon to be discovered.
She will head to explore this new beach city, find herself new friends, and enjoy the strolls in downtown SD. I bet there is a Starbucks there to provide her with Dark Cherry Mocha samples sprinkled with shredded chocolate. From now on she will be my excuse for my short weekend getaways. Considering that all the last thing I wanted to say in this perfect rainy night was to say goodbye. I am going to see her soon.
She and her delightful spirit will be missed here though!
She always liked her job and her company, she was one of the best resources in her department, and one of the best girls to hang out with, and above all, to befriend with. However, lately she was not satisfied with her job any more. She was growing and the work shell she had could not acceptably house her talent any longer. She deserved a better bigger shell. She needed new challenges, new responsibilities, new leadership, newer management. Circumstances just helped push her out of her familiar but uncomfortable shell. And she finally was found by this great opportunity. She was certain the new job was going to provide her with growth, exactly what she deserved. Alas the job was in San Diego. She shipped her stuff down south. Even her car was going to be shipped the next day. And she is flying to San Diego on Friday. A one-way ticket... She said her goodbyes to the company, coworker and colleagues today and her exit interview escorted her towards her new horizon to be discovered.
She will head to explore this new beach city, find herself new friends, and enjoy the strolls in downtown SD. I bet there is a Starbucks there to provide her with Dark Cherry Mocha samples sprinkled with shredded chocolate. From now on she will be my excuse for my short weekend getaways. Considering that all the last thing I wanted to say in this perfect rainy night was to say goodbye. I am going to see her soon.
She and her delightful spirit will be missed here though!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Daddy Long-Legs
"A classic you can read in a day" is the title of a review on Amazon. And so true to my own experience...
It is a Friday in summer of 1993. We are invited to my paternal grandparents'. We arrive around 10 am right after breakfast and are supposed to stay for the whole day, a long day as it usually is at their place. My youngest and fun aunt who still lives at home has just gotten engaged and is all lovey dovey with her fiance all the time, they either vanish outside or in her room not visible most of the day so it is really no more fun to spend a whole day there. But the new uncle-to-be, Mr Mohandes, arrives that day with a book: "Daddy Long-Legs" and is so positively advertising the book. Z, S, and I are fishy (he is always boastful about every thing that gets him engaged) but excited about this book which looks pretty old, from his library for sure. So the three of us sit in the living room by ourselves and start reading.
It is lunch time, as late as 2PM, which is used to be the case in their home. We are still reading. I suppose each is reading a chapter out loud and the other two are bent over the book on either side of the reader. We don't care about the lunch and just continue reading. And for sure we finish it in half a day.
Soon that year they started broadcasting the animation series with the same name and I remember it affected the whole high school girls. I guess everyone wished to have a daddy-long-legs!
Here is a short plot from Wikipedia:
"Jerusha Abbott was brought up at the John Grier Home, an old-fashioned orphanage. The children were wholly dependent on charity and had to wear other people's cast-off clothes. Jerusha's unusual first name was selected by the matron off a grave stone, while her surname was selected out of the phone book. At the age of 18, she has finished her education and is at loose ends, still working in the dormitories at the institution where she was brought up.
It is a Friday in summer of 1993. We are invited to my paternal grandparents'. We arrive around 10 am right after breakfast and are supposed to stay for the whole day, a long day as it usually is at their place. My youngest and fun aunt who still lives at home has just gotten engaged and is all lovey dovey with her fiance all the time, they either vanish outside or in her room not visible most of the day so it is really no more fun to spend a whole day there. But the new uncle-to-be, Mr Mohandes, arrives that day with a book: "Daddy Long-Legs" and is so positively advertising the book. Z, S, and I are fishy (he is always boastful about every thing that gets him engaged) but excited about this book which looks pretty old, from his library for sure. So the three of us sit in the living room by ourselves and start reading.
It is lunch time, as late as 2PM, which is used to be the case in their home. We are still reading. I suppose each is reading a chapter out loud and the other two are bent over the book on either side of the reader. We don't care about the lunch and just continue reading. And for sure we finish it in half a day.
Soon that year they started broadcasting the animation series with the same name and I remember it affected the whole high school girls. I guess everyone wished to have a daddy-long-legs!
Here is a short plot from Wikipedia:
"Jerusha Abbott was brought up at the John Grier Home, an old-fashioned orphanage. The children were wholly dependent on charity and had to wear other people's cast-off clothes. Jerusha's unusual first name was selected by the matron off a grave stone, while her surname was selected out of the phone book. At the age of 18, she has finished her education and is at loose ends, still working in the dormitories at the institution where she was brought up.
One day, after the asylum's trustees have made their monthly visit, Jerusha is informed by the asylum's dour matron that one of the trustees has offered to pay her way through college. He has spoken to her former teachers and thinks she has potential to become an excellent writer. He will pay her tuition and also give her a generous monthly allowance. Jerusha must write him a monthly letter, because he believes that letter-writing is important to the development of a writer. However, she will never know his identity; she must address the letters to Mr. John Smith, and he will never reply.
Jerusha catches a glimpse of the shadow of her benefactor from the back, and knows he is a tall long-legged man. Because of this, she jokingly calls him "Daddy Long-Legs." She attends a women's college, but the name and location are never identified; however, men from Princeton University are frequently mentioned as dates, so it is certainly on the East Coast. The college is almost certainly based on the author's alma mater, Vassar College, judging from college traditions mentioned. She illustrates her letters with childlike line drawings, also created by Jean Webster."
Saturday, March 27, 2010
... And Running Is Resumed
I ran today. What has always been appealing to me about running is its liberating sensation. It feels like an accomplishment to resume it. I chose the late afternoon for my endeavor, it was light enough but the moon was also shining brightly. I was running by a creek, there were other runners on the path. I am sure I will miss this creek if one day I move out of this neighborhood. It was all freshly green, youthful, hopeful. I love this Spring in California. It is much greener than the previous years. The green hills are inviting to a long hike, to conquer them to the top and then just to spread a blanket for yourself and may be your companion to sit on and just be, to be with the green hills and the sky and the chirping birds...
I am not sure how far I ran today, I know it took me about 40 minutes including a short but sweet phone call interruption and a few walking intermissions. It was a fulfilling exercise.
I am not sure how far I ran today, I know it took me about 40 minutes including a short but sweet phone call interruption and a few walking intermissions. It was a fulfilling exercise.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
trauma
It was a long and stressful week at work and today was the most stressful day of all with a couple very important meetings I had to prepare for. It was at the end of this very long day that I got a call from M, warning me that A's preschool had contacted him to inform that A had a bruise on his nose due to and earlier accident. I am not sure how I felt about that, I know I was very concerned and worried. Driving the rest of the way there I truly wished there was no speed limit in the highway or any car on the road any more. I flew to preschool I think, ran to his class, and I found A all in smiles and at ease telling me how he fell down in the playground. His nose was bruised but also his left cheek and forehead. My heart ached seeing him like that but it was a relief seeing him so, well, happy! I think he had received lots of hugs and attention after the accident.
I feel drained from it all. But what keeps coming back to my mind is my mother; how many times she got called to school because of me alone, and I was not a busy girl at all! I remember once in high school I had an accident in which my head bumped into a classmates face during an sport activity. I remember how after the impact I was thrown back in a reflective response. I was transported to the principle's office, my friend to a hospital. My mom got called and shortly she was with me in the office. I could tell how traumatized she herself was, although she seemed calm. She later told me when the office had called her, the more they insistent that I was doing fine after the accident the more she felt something was seriously wrong. She wanted all the details I think to feel she was properly and honestly informed... Ah kids, their adventures, and moms and dads!
I feel drained from it all. But what keeps coming back to my mind is my mother; how many times she got called to school because of me alone, and I was not a busy girl at all! I remember once in high school I had an accident in which my head bumped into a classmates face during an sport activity. I remember how after the impact I was thrown back in a reflective response. I was transported to the principle's office, my friend to a hospital. My mom got called and shortly she was with me in the office. I could tell how traumatized she herself was, although she seemed calm. She later told me when the office had called her, the more they insistent that I was doing fine after the accident the more she felt something was seriously wrong. She wanted all the details I think to feel she was properly and honestly informed... Ah kids, their adventures, and moms and dads!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
1389
A's preschool haft seen show was a success. M and I took A to preschool on Friday and showed off the haft seen we had prepared for him, children were mostly excited about the gold fish and their gifts. A was proud, I could tell. Walking into the building he kept looking back at me, smiling, leading the way. I was so excited for him. I remember the days either of my parents came to school, those were prideful days!
People at work like the haft seen I had spread over there too.
And finally I got lots of nice comments about my haft seen at home. The theme of my haft seen was khatam this year, well fit I think.
Happy Spring, Happy Nowruz, and Happy New Year to all! I wish for peace and love for the world! I am hopeful for a New Beginning!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Fireflies
There is a lot I want to say but I hardly find the time to write lately. To begin with the announcement of my promotion was posted today and I am getting congratulatory words from colleagues across the company and I am so grateful for the joy of it all!
We had a nice chaarshanbe suri last night! I enjoyed the crowd and the music and the fire.
I have a haft seen at work, and I am taking one to A's preschool on Friday. I have been thinking what to do for the children and have been brainstorming about it. And today got a great idea from my dear EE that I am excited to execute it tonight with A himself. Will let you know about the outcome later.
I have new ideas, daring ideas! So excited about them. Will share them later too, if they manifest, and I hope they do!
I am happy the year is changing again! Happy Spring and Nowruz in advance!
And finally, here is a very beautiful lyrics a especially dear friend shared with me today, made me smile reading it over and over... Enjoy!
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams
We had a nice chaarshanbe suri last night! I enjoyed the crowd and the music and the fire.
I have a haft seen at work, and I am taking one to A's preschool on Friday. I have been thinking what to do for the children and have been brainstorming about it. And today got a great idea from my dear EE that I am excited to execute it tonight with A himself. Will let you know about the outcome later.
I have new ideas, daring ideas! So excited about them. Will share them later too, if they manifest, and I hope they do!
I am happy the year is changing again! Happy Spring and Nowruz in advance!
And finally, here is a very beautiful lyrics a especially dear friend shared with me today, made me smile reading it over and over... Enjoy!
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Princess Midnight
Until two nights ago playing "head to toe" with A, when the card instructed to "name a friend" he named Amogh, his classmate who is a boy a few months younger than him. I was not very thrilled about this friendship for a few reasons. But since Friday he names Kayla as his friend. I am impressed for a few reasons and to name only one: it is a more challenging relationship for him with a talkative girl who is a few months older than him.
Today in the mall I was trying a few dresses. I liked one and I tried it again. A was with me in the fitting room attempting to angle the mirrors for me; not very helpful to me I must say as he did that based on his own point of view. Trying the dress I twirled in front of the mirror and my dress just rose a bit in my spin, a childish thrill. A immediately claimed: "Mommy! You are my princess!" Ah! My heart just melted hearing that from him, especially now despite Kayla! Well, joking aside I had read once that a dad is a girl's first hero/love and I agreed with it; I think now it is true about moms and sons as well. Wont last too long I know, but I am enjoying my new title as long as it lasts!
Today in the mall I was trying a few dresses. I liked one and I tried it again. A was with me in the fitting room attempting to angle the mirrors for me; not very helpful to me I must say as he did that based on his own point of view. Trying the dress I twirled in front of the mirror and my dress just rose a bit in my spin, a childish thrill. A immediately claimed: "Mommy! You are my princess!" Ah! My heart just melted hearing that from him, especially now despite Kayla! Well, joking aside I had read once that a dad is a girl's first hero/love and I agreed with it; I think now it is true about moms and sons as well. Wont last too long I know, but I am enjoying my new title as long as it lasts!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Joueuse (France - 2009)
Yesterday, on my plane ride home, I found this amazing French movie. "Joueuse" which was translated as "Queen to Play". When it was over, I watched it again! But couldn't finish watching it the second round.
Change can happen and will happen, in many different ways. Chess is only one means.
It was about a middle aged lady, Hélène, living a simple and quite routine and boring life in a very beautiful village in France. She works as a maid in a hotel and at Dr Kroger's, has a nice husband it seems, and a teenage daughter. It seems all is calm in her life and in her relationships; every one takes her and her actions as granted: a timely maid, trustworthy with her job, available to her family, attentive to her guests, ... Suddenly she finds a newly discovered passion in herself: to play chess. She decides to not only learn the game but become good at it, and Dr Kroger gets to coach her. I liked him very much, played by Kevin Kline. His wife was passed away as an undiscovered artist, "her doubt was stronger than her painting". Another quote from him that I liked "having a lousy plan is better than having no plan at all".
She discovers herself in a new way and let her family and friends and enemies also find that aspired and free lady in her. All the granted behaviors change after that. Oh and she dances a very authentic dance with her daughter in the middle of the movie, when she encountered her doubts. I loved that!
"La dame est la pièce la plus forte... c'est fou hein?" : "The queen is the strongest piece ... it's crazy, eh?"
Change can happen and will happen, in many different ways. Chess is only one means.
It was about a middle aged lady, Hélène, living a simple and quite routine and boring life in a very beautiful village in France. She works as a maid in a hotel and at Dr Kroger's, has a nice husband it seems, and a teenage daughter. It seems all is calm in her life and in her relationships; every one takes her and her actions as granted: a timely maid, trustworthy with her job, available to her family, attentive to her guests, ... Suddenly she finds a newly discovered passion in herself: to play chess. She decides to not only learn the game but become good at it, and Dr Kroger gets to coach her. I liked him very much, played by Kevin Kline. His wife was passed away as an undiscovered artist, "her doubt was stronger than her painting". Another quote from him that I liked "having a lousy plan is better than having no plan at all".
She discovers herself in a new way and let her family and friends and enemies also find that aspired and free lady in her. All the granted behaviors change after that. Oh and she dances a very authentic dance with her daughter in the middle of the movie, when she encountered her doubts. I loved that!
"La dame est la pièce la plus forte... c'est fou hein?" : "The queen is the strongest piece ... it's crazy, eh?"
Friday, March 5, 2010
Still in Toronto
I received my Iron Ring. Such a nice ceremony I had last night, very well thought and organized. And the fact that DD, my friend from grad school, presented me the ring made it even more special to me.
I had a nice chat with RD in the morning over the breakfast. Later I headed down town to meet with an old high school friend, LSh, and then went to Eaton Center. I was late for my meeting with GT but we had a nice strange lunch together: Grapefruit Juice and Creme Caramel. Finally I headed to campus to meet with SB and AZ and eventually Prof Zu, my master's supervisor. She is the chair of the department now but still had blocked 90 minutes in her busy schedule to just meet with me; it was an honor. I found that she still trusted me deeply. She saw in me what I think many cannot see, I think she is a very kind, wise, and observant lady. She conveyed very impressive remarks about life I cannot stop reviewing them. She said passion was a very strong drive in life that could be directed in so many different ways but if neglected lead to disappointment. She said immigrant ladies had a strong passion in them for a huge change, and those who survived thrived. Also that what was not reachable was the most attractive. And that there were so many times one just could surrender to fate in order to find the right way. I think I knew it all but it was very nice and reassuring to be heard again in such a venue.
I rode the subway to and from down town again, and then walked a lot in the cold but lovely weather here. I found myself enjoying the sunny side of the side walks better and found myself writing in the subway with a great passion.
My dear RD had invited a few other couple friends for dinner so we could all meet up and chat. It was so nice to be with them and so strange not to have M and A with me in such a gathering.
I had a nice chat with RD in the morning over the breakfast. Later I headed down town to meet with an old high school friend, LSh, and then went to Eaton Center. I was late for my meeting with GT but we had a nice strange lunch together: Grapefruit Juice and Creme Caramel. Finally I headed to campus to meet with SB and AZ and eventually Prof Zu, my master's supervisor. She is the chair of the department now but still had blocked 90 minutes in her busy schedule to just meet with me; it was an honor. I found that she still trusted me deeply. She saw in me what I think many cannot see, I think she is a very kind, wise, and observant lady. She conveyed very impressive remarks about life I cannot stop reviewing them. She said passion was a very strong drive in life that could be directed in so many different ways but if neglected lead to disappointment. She said immigrant ladies had a strong passion in them for a huge change, and those who survived thrived. Also that what was not reachable was the most attractive. And that there were so many times one just could surrender to fate in order to find the right way. I think I knew it all but it was very nice and reassuring to be heard again in such a venue.
I rode the subway to and from down town again, and then walked a lot in the cold but lovely weather here. I found myself enjoying the sunny side of the side walks better and found myself writing in the subway with a great passion.
My dear RD had invited a few other couple friends for dinner so we could all meet up and chat. It was so nice to be with them and so strange not to have M and A with me in such a gathering.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
On UofT Campus
I am in Toronto.
Arrived last night while my dear AF was waiting for me and later her whole family were waiting for me to arrive. It was great spending last night and today with her. It was amazing how the passage of time had not blurred our friendship. We could talk about any thing and laugh about any thing. We called NA to congratulate her with her new born baby boy, Mani. Such a nice name! She was totally surprised, such a fun.
I took the subway to the campus. Did not read or write on my ride, did not listen to music on my IPod, but instead read all the adds and listened to so many languages and dialects flying all around me. How wonderfully welcoming this city is! One never has to make any effort to fit in! I think that is one reason I love this city so much. I love the winter "fashion" here, if you can call it fashion. As colorful as the languages around you.
The subway has gotten older, visibly older, has still the old smell it had. And the fair is now $3 to go any where in the city.
I walked to campus, saying hi to Mount Sinai hospital, A's birthplace, from afar. And then entering the Mech Eng Building. Oh all the same clipboards and classrooms I was taught in and taught at. There was no student walking by that I could recognize. Climbed to the second floor and walked by profs' offices, smiling in my heart, knowing them most except for a few newer ones.
It is cold, not too cold but still piercing through your skin. Then the buildings are warm, way too warm if you ask me.
It was easy to get access to internet as an alumni, felt great to be entitled for that so welcoming and easily.
Tonight is my Iron Ring Ceremony at University College. I am going to meet DH who is now DD in between the East and West wings from where we will find our way to the ceremony. I am excited about it all and grateful to be here one more time. It is a grand city to me.
Arrived last night while my dear AF was waiting for me and later her whole family were waiting for me to arrive. It was great spending last night and today with her. It was amazing how the passage of time had not blurred our friendship. We could talk about any thing and laugh about any thing. We called NA to congratulate her with her new born baby boy, Mani. Such a nice name! She was totally surprised, such a fun.
I took the subway to the campus. Did not read or write on my ride, did not listen to music on my IPod, but instead read all the adds and listened to so many languages and dialects flying all around me. How wonderfully welcoming this city is! One never has to make any effort to fit in! I think that is one reason I love this city so much. I love the winter "fashion" here, if you can call it fashion. As colorful as the languages around you.
The subway has gotten older, visibly older, has still the old smell it had. And the fair is now $3 to go any where in the city.
I walked to campus, saying hi to Mount Sinai hospital, A's birthplace, from afar. And then entering the Mech Eng Building. Oh all the same clipboards and classrooms I was taught in and taught at. There was no student walking by that I could recognize. Climbed to the second floor and walked by profs' offices, smiling in my heart, knowing them most except for a few newer ones.
It is cold, not too cold but still piercing through your skin. Then the buildings are warm, way too warm if you ask me.
It was easy to get access to internet as an alumni, felt great to be entitled for that so welcoming and easily.
Tonight is my Iron Ring Ceremony at University College. I am going to meet DH who is now DD in between the East and West wings from where we will find our way to the ceremony. I am excited about it all and grateful to be here one more time. It is a grand city to me.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Going to Toronto
I packed.
I baked A his favorite muffin tonight and M a full dish of brownies to have with his favorite vanilla ice cream every night until I come back. I am going to Toronto. And I am so happy for that. I have missed that city so much. I have missed all my friends there. And I am thrilled to have the chance to meet them all again.
Tomorrow night I will be at AF's. I used to go to her house back in college. She was my only married friend when I was still pursuing my bachelors, she is a few years older than I am but still she married much younger than I did. She had a baby girl then who is thirteen now, officially a teenager, and I am awful in knowing what to buy for a teenager. I am so excited to go to her new place now in Toronto.
I am also going to RD's place for the rest of my stay. I have lots of beautiful memories with her, I have learned a lot from her and still I am grateful for her friendship. Such a pity that A cannot come with me as he could very well enjoy the time with RN's son. But I am still very excited to be with lovely RD and her beautiful family. I know they have renovated their house now and I am excited to see how it looks. I liked their house before and I am sure it is even more likable.
I am going to accept my Iron Ring at the Campus 1 ceremony on Thursday night. Spending the evening with DH, how happy I am to meet her again!
I hope to meet so many other friends. I am also going to stroll around in down town I hope.
I have missed that city and I am glad to go back enshaalaa.
I baked A his favorite muffin tonight and M a full dish of brownies to have with his favorite vanilla ice cream every night until I come back. I am going to Toronto. And I am so happy for that. I have missed that city so much. I have missed all my friends there. And I am thrilled to have the chance to meet them all again.
Tomorrow night I will be at AF's. I used to go to her house back in college. She was my only married friend when I was still pursuing my bachelors, she is a few years older than I am but still she married much younger than I did. She had a baby girl then who is thirteen now, officially a teenager, and I am awful in knowing what to buy for a teenager. I am so excited to go to her new place now in Toronto.
I am also going to RD's place for the rest of my stay. I have lots of beautiful memories with her, I have learned a lot from her and still I am grateful for her friendship. Such a pity that A cannot come with me as he could very well enjoy the time with RN's son. But I am still very excited to be with lovely RD and her beautiful family. I know they have renovated their house now and I am excited to see how it looks. I liked their house before and I am sure it is even more likable.
I am going to accept my Iron Ring at the Campus 1 ceremony on Thursday night. Spending the evening with DH, how happy I am to meet her again!
I hope to meet so many other friends. I am also going to stroll around in down town I hope.
I have missed that city and I am glad to go back enshaalaa.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Interspiritual Wisdom Sharing the Mystic Heart
I had been to churches, I had attended a few different Hindu prayers, I had attended mosques with people of so many different nationalities, I had attended ataashkade, but had never been in a place with so many different spiritual backgrounds.
I am going to write my excerpts from the interspiritual meeting I attended yesterday and I am not going to make any cautious decision on what to write and what not to write here today, it may be confusing but it will be respectful. So do your judgment in whether or not you like to read the rest :)
I wanted to be with Kabir and Camille this Saturday, I was not able to go to
The venue was at the
There were six presenters with a wealth of experience from within their spiritual path of their choice, each speaking not for the religion, but from within the tradition, the way Ed Bastian put it.
First it was Rabbi Rami Shapiro talking about the mystic heart of Jewish faith. Reading verses from the bible, he explained how the mystic heart of the religion calls you out of the box of forms and your parent’s house and belongings and nationality and political beliefs to the unmapped territory. "God is calling you to just go, to the places you don't have the map to". And it struck me deeply. I was thinking about the security of mapped territories in my life and the insecurity of any thing beyond that, and then the first speaker of the day made me think above and beyond, to come out of the security of my parent’s and my society’s house and beliefs and try to understand “the space between the arcs of the angles”. To go beyond the box. The emptiness without a form. I was then thinking how mysteriously dangerous the mind can be as when you set your mind on a particular thing it seems it is powerful enough to harmonize everything with it. So watch for your thoughts!
I liked it very much when he explained that believe has content, but faith is content less and how he was trying to convey messages from the faith and not belief. And how “I used Judaism to escape from what is jewish”.
He made us chant a very beautiful song with the rhythm of waltz. People stood up and started rocking left and right with the rhythm and soon they all hold hands rocking in a union. I loved this experience. It reminded me of the vahdat prayer I enjoyed as a kid. A true unity in humanity. When the chanting was over an old couple in the row in front of me embraced and the old lady kissed the old man on the cheek; I smiled, wondering if they both wanted to come and she kissed him because they were truly together in the experience or whether he didn't want to come and came just because of her and she kissed him because she was thankful. Whatever it was, it had a huge love element in it.
In between sessions I went to the front of the chapel to convey my greetings and regards to Shaikh Kabir and Camille. It was amazing being embraced with them both and their loves for me.
Then it was Swami Atmarupananda talking from the heart of Hinduism. His talk sounded more philosophical than not to me. He said, and I am not quoting but I like to talk from his perspective, that: I am, it is my existence that I am sure of. Not my senses because they can be faulty, I cannot trust my mind either, because I may be crazy and in my insanity I think I am the only one who is sane. But I don't doubt about my existence. He explained that: how that existence is separate from body and feelings, that I am not sick, but I am aware of the sickness in the body, that I am not sad, because I am the light of presence. He said the good thing about glasses is that at first you see them but soon you don't see the glasses any more but you see the world through the glasses. So every thing can be a window to infinity. In continuation of what Rabbi Rami said he explained that you need to understand the box to be able to understand what is outside the box. About the interspirituality he exampled from the 3D effect in the cinema and how we are looking at the reality the way different eyes look at it from different angles, and to be able to learn the reality it helps to look at it from different angles. And I was thinking how I had heard this before, several times actually, quoted from Imam Ali, that the knowledge is the knowledge of religions, elm aladyaan. I felt so in line with it all. He quoted that it is good to be born in a church (place of worship) but not to die there.
Then it was Mary O'hara Wyman talking from within Christianity. She started telling us about her background upbringing being born to a Catholic farmer family in
She recalled how they prayed a lot in her family, that her parents blessed all crops and the chickens and their meal and every thing, that at noon when they were busy in the field they would all stop whatever they were doing hearing the sound of the bells inviting to noon prayer and gather together; her parents would pray together. She explained how she was taught to be weary of the ultimate mercy who was watching her and all her actions all the time. She said: "I was here, and the God was there". But she quoted she knew deep down that "we were mysteriously resting in God". That "God was loving within me, adoring me as I adored him. Best of all, he forgave me in love" and I found my eyes all watery in her explanations. She quoted from Father Thomas that "we are all cradled unceasingly by the love of God". She said she understood that Jesus let go of judgment, Jesus forgave simply, and Jesus lived fully. And she said Christians were those who manifested the Christ, which was love. She said "I and my father are one. Jesus is the Christian way to the truth and life. Letting go and doing the will of the father, letting go of own human power and acting through power of Holy Spirit, this is the Trinity".
I needed the intermissions between sessions. I would go outside and walk in the small backyard exploring the structure of the church having a cup of tea. I met Kabir in the break room and in my inquiry to him that I felt so content where I was I didn’t necessarily felt like going to the heart of the city afterwards to meet my family he advised “embrace it all” and to look at each experience as a new “damm”, breath. It went right to my heart.
Then it was my beloved Shaikh Kabir and Camille talking through Islam and Sufism. How love is the essence of existence and what gives meaning to life. That: this is a spiritual universe, meaningful in its structure, and if one really observes sees the mercy that is operating. Like the arrival of messengers through the time who reminded us that this universe is merciful. He wrote Bismilla Arrahman Arrahim on the board and made us all chant it together. It was beautiful and a sense of pride cloaked me for a second finding all around me chanting through my faith, but soon, consciously, I let go of that pride how Rabbi Rami had instructed earlier. It was then just beautiful! Kabir said "in my view you are all Muslims, seeking the divine. If not in a true surrender but the seeker of the surrender through the religion of your choice." He explained how presence and being present at each moment is fundamental and essential. How the five prayers we do are the responses we give to the calling from God, not us initiating the call to God. “Your calling to him is his answer to you” and I cried again. He advised: find tranquility in each praying postures; the whole world is the place of our prostration. He said we are what we put our attention on so the matter of our attention is the master of our spirituality. From Rumi he said "if your thought is a rose you are a rose garden, if your thought is a thorn you are kindling in a fireplace". And finally Camille read the va AlAsr verses from Quran with her heavenly voice. She sang it to testify all people in all faiths were truly on the right path.
It was almost an hour to the end of the conference and there was no blue light on me yet. The sun was still so high and the blue section of the window so low it seemed impossible if a blue ray would come through to where I was sitting.
Just before the last session though we had a breathing experience for which we had to stand up and face west between the isles to have enough room to move. I was in a higher position compare to where I was sitting now. And surely, there was the blue light right on my eyelashes! I was trembling in joy.
Last session was with Ed Bastian talking from the mystic heart of Budism. He was a very nice man. I found my capacity already full though with all the beauty going around me.
It was time to part. I was supposed to meet M and A in downtown. Walking there I was stopped by a lady. She looked young, shorter than I was, with two wide eyes colored with so many different colors. She was looking straight into my eyes in the middle of the ocean of people who had gathered to watch the Chinese New Year Parade. Then she extended a business card to me, “call me, I want to read you”. I couldn’t stop looking into her eyes. She continued “you have a very strong glow around you it is shining in the middle of the people”. I smiled back “well, that may be because I just came back from an interspiritual conference”. “May be” she replied. “But I want to read you. Call me”. I just shook my head smiling and left. But somehow I cannot stop thinking about the sincerity in her eyes, I found myself so tempted to call her.
We met with a couple colleagues and their families for dinner after the parade. It was a very nice evening and I really liked the food in the restaurant our Chinese colleague recommended in
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Depth
Sitting by the window she is staring at the raindrops on the pool. Drip Drop. She can imagine the sound of the splash, the clash of raindrop on the water, wondering how it can really sound within the depth of the water.
It is a rather chilly night. She opens the window, the room fills up with the sound of the rain all around.
Pulling up the zipper on her sweatshirt she opens the french door. Inhales all the rainy air into the deepest corner of her lungs. She starts running in the rain. She is smiling, laughing, tasting the rain drops in her mouth, squinching her eyes involuntarily feeling the cold of the rain in her eyes. Panting and giggling like a child, she can just speed up. Her hair and face and body are all wet.
She drops the sweatshirt on the ground, dives into the pool, listening to the raindrops from the depth of the water.
It is a rather chilly night. She opens the window, the room fills up with the sound of the rain all around.
Pulling up the zipper on her sweatshirt she opens the french door. Inhales all the rainy air into the deepest corner of her lungs. She starts running in the rain. She is smiling, laughing, tasting the rain drops in her mouth, squinching her eyes involuntarily feeling the cold of the rain in her eyes. Panting and giggling like a child, she can just speed up. Her hair and face and body are all wet.
She drops the sweatshirt on the ground, dives into the pool, listening to the raindrops from the depth of the water.
Monday, February 22, 2010
A Couple of Quotations
Before leaving home this morning I read for a few minutes from the book pick article in a rather usual magazine I was reading from, the Costco Connection, but read this sentence a few times and could not stop rereading it:
"... that life is short, that you must chase your passions, your dreams."
Abraham Verghese
Then in the office, I was searching for a book by Gibran Khalil Gibran that I stumbled upon this verse yet again; I loved reading it back during my university era, loved it as a child back then, love it as a mom now, and I know I had written this before in my blog, in Farsi, so here is the original quotation:
"Your Children are not Your Children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."
"... that life is short, that you must chase your passions, your dreams."
Abraham Verghese
Then in the office, I was searching for a book by Gibran Khalil Gibran that I stumbled upon this verse yet again; I loved reading it back during my university era, loved it as a child back then, love it as a mom now, and I know I had written this before in my blog, in Farsi, so here is the original quotation:
"Your Children are not Your Children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Why?
A: What is that car doing?
Me: Which car?
A: That car over there, over the ramp, by the window
Me: He is going through drive through pharmacy
A: Why?
Me: Because he needs to buy medicine
A: Why?
Me: Because he or someone he knows is sick
A: Why?
Me: I am not sure, may be because they didn't wash their hands and ate with yucky hands
A: Why?
Me: I don't know baby! May be because they didn't know they should have washed their hands
A: Why?
Me:?!?!
A: Oh the Sun is going down!
Me: Yes baby! The sun is setting
A: Why?
Me: Because the day is coming to an end
A: Why?
Me: Because the night is starting
A: Why?
Me: Because we need the night to rest
A: Because my pretty moon is coming?
Me: Yes baby! Because your pretty moon is coming :)
Me: A! Please hang your towel on the hanger
A: Why?
...
A: Mommy what day is today?
Me: Thursday
A: But Why?
Me: ??! :)
Me: Which car?
A: That car over there, over the ramp, by the window
Me: He is going through drive through pharmacy
A: Why?
Me: Because he needs to buy medicine
A: Why?
Me: Because he or someone he knows is sick
A: Why?
Me: I am not sure, may be because they didn't wash their hands and ate with yucky hands
A: Why?
Me: I don't know baby! May be because they didn't know they should have washed their hands
A: Why?
Me:?!?!
A: Oh the Sun is going down!
Me: Yes baby! The sun is setting
A: Why?
Me: Because the day is coming to an end
A: Why?
Me: Because the night is starting
A: Why?
Me: Because we need the night to rest
A: Because my pretty moon is coming?
Me: Yes baby! Because your pretty moon is coming :)
Me: A! Please hang your towel on the hanger
A: Why?
...
A: Mommy what day is today?
Me: Thursday
A: But Why?
Me: ??! :)
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About Me
- midnight/...
- An emigrant from an ancient civilization to North America, an engineer in marketing and management, a mom of working kind, who thinks when she talks, and who likes to write. I, L.B., own the copyright to the content.