I Never Found Out

It was a late afternoon. One of those winter evenings that gets dark early. It was chilly and a bit hazy. I had parked right in front of the department, by chance my car was just west to the main entrance. That meant anyone in the male section of the cafeteria could see my car.
How interesting! Our cafeteria was segregated!!
So, anyone from up there could see the car, I realized afterward.
I was coming back from a workshop which was in another building in another corner of the campus. I approached my car in that late afternoon from another building. I don't remember if I were alone or with a girl friend.
When I reached my car, I realized there was something beneath the windshield. Was I fined? In a second look I realized it was not a paper, but a red rose. A perfectly fresh red rose. I immediately looked around to find nobody; and then above toward the cafeteria. The glasses were mate!
I took the rose from the windshield. Rode the car and put it inside. Drove away.

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Baby Species

I realized some people talk about babies as if they were a certain species other than humans.
"They" love it liked this.
"They" do that sometimes.
When "they" sleep ...
When "they burp" ...
I was watching my little angel and I thing she was anything but "they". She has her own being, her own personify, her own likings and dislikings; she takes her sweet time with her sleeping and nursing and burping.
Yet, frankly, it is a relief to know some of the stuff which she does are more "common" than not. For example, she might concentrate on swallowing so deeply that she might stop breathing in the middle of nursing; that scared me deeply. But then my mom said "they" did that sometimes and I must blow in her face and she would breathe again. And my mom was right. It's not "common" for humans do stop breathing in the middle of drinking. So it is indeed something "they" do.
Well. Perhaps.
But still, this is something my little angel does and that's all that matters in my mind.

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Getting into the Groove

My little angel and I are getting pretty familiar with each other. Took us a few days, but we made it. Granted she is changing daily and the groove might change but I know I will learn it again.
She has a specific cry for most every need and I can recognize them. And then she has a very particular nursing cycle that lasts between 40 to 70 minutes, even at night; or shall I say particularly at night.
In any case, all is good, thank God!

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Excercise Post Delivery

I think it is time to begin post natal excercises.
Nothing too vigorous of course. A simple walk around the block for 5 minutes to begin with.  Then increasing duration little by little and adding some simple stretches, may be even using the elliptical machine in due time.
One of the nurses at the hospital advised me to wait for six weeks and resume my excercise regym after I met with my ObGyn at that point. But I feel the urge to start.
I researched the web and read a few articles on the subject, including one from Mayo Clinic, which I trust the most.  I figured that it can be safe to resume physical activities as soon as the mom feels like it, it was even recommended.  Judged best especially post uncomplicated vaginal delivery.  Of course the recommendation is mainly walks and swimming lapses at this point. There were some simple ab routines recommended by some articles but I think that's a stretch, at least for my body at this point.
I know my body has not healed completely yet. Even the bruises from the IV pokes are still visible and slightly painful let alone all other invasions. But I feel my body is ready for walks, even some very simple weight training. Need it to be able to hold my baby to nurse and help her burp.
So, the excercises resume starting today, day 11:
a 5 minute walk around the block, follwed by bridge and pelvic  tilt, 10 each for 3 repetitions.

Beach Day

Feels like a great day to be spent by the ocean.
Since the birth if my daughter I haven't been out of the house. Now I like to make a trip to the beach with everything already packed. Even the sand toys for the kids.
Spending a day there, listening to the waves crashing at the sands and A laughing chasing the waves.
We would be chatting about the current events, about the newest apps, about the kids, about work, about democracy, and about our plans for next summer.
Just a day to relax.  Soon I hope!

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: 10 Day Young

My little angel is 10 day young.
She is sleeping better through the night; we put her in her bassinet and she seems pretty comfortable and safe in it.
Yesterday, suddenly my heart went for her as I felt how scary this world should be for her. I wanted to protect her from it all. I wanted to hug her and never let go. She is too tiny, too pure, too soft for this vast cruel harsh world.
We were browsing the BBC newscast with my mom yesterday as M prompted me about the unrest in Egypt. I had read the news from Flipboard.  Does the people know what they want? Do they know the meaning of democracy? Do they value their own vote? Do they know there is no perfect government? There is no perfect "them" for heaven's sake!
There was this news of killing of a 14 year old boy who had allegedly said something about prophet Mohammad in the streets of Aleppo.  There were four gunmen near by who heard him and killed him with two shots on the spot.  His mom just steps away and his brothers near by, witnessing his murder.
Who do you guys think you are? Whom do you think you are defending?  Do you know how many people mocked prophet Mohammad when he was alive? Did he raise his voice on one of them? Do you understand his kindness? Do you have a glipse if his heavenly heart? Whom do you think you are defending? Do you know anything about your prophet? Alas! He is not your prophet. Your guidance is your ferocious animalistic ego you carry within you. But I know.  There is God. And there is justice. And you will see!
I want to protect my kids from this all. How hard!

Notes from A Woman with a Bump: One Week Mark

My precious little angle was due to be born today. Instead, she has been with us for a week already. How grateful I am for her presence in my life!
I feel very content with her, perhaps more than I did with my A. I was not quite ready with A may be. I didn't know what it meant to give birth, to have a baby, to raise a baby. I didn't know how quickly they changed, how everything was so temporary. Even the seemingly countless sleepless nights under the veils of a crying baby.
With her, I know.
I smell her every opportunity I get. I look at every curve on her face, I touch her stick-like fingers. I know all this will change. This moment is my last chance with having her as a one-week-young.
I know the sleepless nights are very well counted.  I cherish it. More wake hours with my baby.
I adore her.
I feel very content with this peice of heaven that fell on my lap. I am forever thankful to The Divine Love!

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Delivering for the Second Time

Everyone told me it was easier, faster, less painful.
It wasn't, not for me.
Anticipating an easier and faster delivery I forego epidural lest it would make the delivery unnecessarily longer. I ended up being in labor for close to two days; very intense contraction yet slow progress.
I started listening to Sufi music in the middle of the first stage of the labor; which helped with tolerating the pains more effectively. It was actually like a miracle how the sensation of pain reduced in my body while I was chanting with the songs. Interestingly other music didn't have the same effect.
I did the breathing method too of course which I tended to forget as the contractions intensified. M was a great help guiding me through them.
I ended up asking for epidural after 3 hours of idle progress while 2/3rd into the first stage of the labor while contractions were really painful.  I realized I couldn't relax my body and thought epidural would help.  And it did as my body accomplished the first stage in only two more hours.  Then started with the delivery itself which took another couple of hours.
Looking back, I hardly remember the agony.  I do remember the facts, I remember how each contractions made me say to myself "you can do it" as if i doubted my body.  I font remember the pain though.
It was an amazing experience the first moment I saw my little girl.  A little precious thing, so fragile, all mine (and M's), choosing me as her pathway to this world. I am ever thankful!!

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Blessed

Our little angel blessed us with her early arrival on Monday. It was indeed a holy day for us from religious perspective and got even mote special with the birth of our little angel.
Will write more soon enshala, about 2nd baby delivery, big brother's reactions, and my feelings.  Right now I'm drowsy with the pain killer medicines I'm taking and not much capable of creating notes.
For now, I feel most grateful!!

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: One Last Night?

Breathe.
Concentrating on how each painful contraction gets me closer to my baby girl. Ah at times really hard to tolerate the pain. But soon it will be over enshala.
I said goodbyes to A at bed time. He didn't understand why we couldn't all go to the hospital together. And was sad to know that I'd stay there for two days. He cried actually and that broke my heart. Thankfully my mom is here and he has great bound with her. I'm sure they will manage fine.
I'm glad M is finally asleep. We all had a long day. Preparing and cleaning the house for the arrival of the little princess enshala.
He insisted that I needed to count the minutes from the onset of each contraction to the next and also the duration. I think I will know when we have to go to hospital: when I cant walk anymore.
I feel hungry. Had half a toast with a bit of fried egg white, fearing my needed energy for labor is spent on digestion. Hopefully I can endure the hunger for a few hours more. I read having ice pop handy is a good idea. I'm looking forward to having a couple when we get to the hospital.
I praid and meditated. I feel connected and more relaxed compare to a few days ago.
The moon is pretty full tonight. I think it is mysteriously beautiful.
I ill try to have a few minutes of shut eyes, if not hours now.
Good night moon!

Notes from a Woman with A Pump: A Midnight Diary

Sleepy eyes and mind and a body in pain. Sporadic pain yet intense; sleepless, tired, anxious, excited.
Singing in my head, thinking of my favorite things doesn't help; praying, chanting. That's better.
I wonder where you are. What you have been doing. When I will hear you. When I will see you. How you look.
There will be tomorrow. I hope!

House of Cards - A Netflix Movie - an early critique

Just finished the 7th episode last night.  It is one of those series that completely captures your mind.
It depicts corruption in the government, the greed that justifies any means for the aim in mind.
The main Character, Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacy), is depicted is a real shroud, smart, direct, quick, and cruel congressman. It is interesting how despite knowing all these negative characteristics in him, one might sympathize with him. He is no hero, yet he wins. Hence, his charcter might provoke the support of the viewers' mind.
Zoe Barnes (Kate Mara), the young ambitious journalist, looks fragile but shows some agile characteristics of herself makes one wonder how far she can go.
And Clair Underwood (Robin Wright), is a mystery. Even her face, her jawbone and colarbone, her physics, draw curiosity. How she carries herself and how she deals with Frank. Is she happy? She told an old guard she was not looking for happiness. Is she real?

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Delivery Anxiety

I feel scared of delivery.
I was not feeling a tiny bit anxious when I was pregnant with A. I was tired I remember, and heavy and uncomfortable. But I was looking forward to my contractions ever so calmly.
This time however, in the past few nights, I have started feeling too anxious I feel hyper ventilated. I need to get up and walk ... thinking of my favorite things not to think about this.
I feel suffocated.
What if the baby is pressing in my lungs while I need to breathe the most?
What if my stomach can't tolerate the pain and I have even more acid reflux blocking my esophageal and ultimately my breathing canal?
What if she starts moving too much pressing on my organs and give me more pain?
What if I can't breathe?
I have been trying to think about my body as a separate entity from "I". That helps to calm my nerves but what if I forget about this when I'm in labor?
What if I tear? Get completely damaged?
I try to think how much I love this baby girl and want to meet her.  But I feel scared of what she can do to my body during delivery.
I try to practice meditation, pray, and being present but what if I forget all that?
What if I die during labor after enduring so much agony and pain?
...
So, today I went to the library and grabbed several pregnancy and labor books. Opened them all to delivery and labor session and read them all, in addition to all the books and articles I had read before, getting myself prepared for the worst.
My upside down pear-shape uterus will take the shape of a canal during contractions.
The last stage of dilation, between 8 to 10cm dilation, can be the most painful time that can make my body feel exhausted, drained out of energy, and I won't have any appetite to eat to regain energy.
I might vomit. (This is something I dislike the most after feeling suffocated).
I might tear, get a swollen cervix.
I might get weak in my legs, get too tired to move, get dehydrated.
I might change my mind about pain management medicine too late.
I might get stressed out or really fearful.
There. I know now.
I have vomited before.
I have felt suffocated before.
I have been in pain before.
And I will die one day anyway.
I decided to stay open minded about whatever comes up. I am strong and it's OK to feel weak.  What I can control is stress and fear.  I will do my best.
I think I can do it. Enshala!  But I take your advise too if any.

Happy Father's Day!

To all the fathers, Happy Father's Day!
To all the good fathers, Happy Father's Day! You deserve it!
To my M, as an observer I really applaud you in your fatherhood.  You are indeed a kind, reliable, wise dad and I am happy for my kids having you as a father.  Happy Father's Day!

Out in the Nature - A Restless Yearning

I need the nature.
A lake.  Mountain peaks.  The woods.  A river perhaps.

Notes from A Woman with a Bump: Maternity Leave

I am finally off work.  My parents and grandma have been worried about me working so late into my pregnancy.  Back home the custom is for the pregnant lady to take the last couple months easy, relaxed, and concentrated on nesting.  Now God willing I might get a couple weeks or so.
A and I made a trip to the mall yesterday with two specific stops.  Shopped for Father's Day present.  Had lunch at food court and then headed to the movie theater: Epic. A seemed to really enjoy himself.  We got back home by about 4:30 for a quick nap and unwinding.  I need these naps because I am sleep deprived at night with hip pain and acid reflux.
I must admit that I couldn't refrain from having sneak peaks into my  mailbox here and there.  My excuse was to delete emails as they come so I am not confronted with 1000s of email upon return to work in a few months.  And a sales rep called about a fantastic recent case and wanted to thank my efforts; that was kind of him.
Today we are meeting a friend for lunch.  Looking forward to a relaxed outing.

To Vote

In my humble opinion, when there is a society that allows voting, be it at home, at school, in the city, or through governmental election, one must exercise her right to vote.
There is no home, no school, no city, and no government that is perfect.  Knowing this, my electing to vote does not imply that I agree with all policies involved.
Also to vote doesn't mean my vote will be the elected vote.
My choosing to vote, in my opinion, just means that I believe that I have a voice and my voice is worthy of being heard and also that I agree to disagree.
These are the considerations I take into account before the election.  What happens next belongs to the future, to be seen.
I vote at the society I live in where I am given the right.
Now in the upcoming Iranian presidential election, I would vote if I were reciting in Iran or if I had any plan or intention to live there in the near future.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Missing

There is more or less three more weeks to go, enshaalaa.  I feel uncomfortable most of the time.  Breathing is hard, eating feels uncomfortable both before and after, sleeping can feel painful in my hip and back, and I wake up to a stiff body that prenatal yoga helps a lot with alleviating the pain.
Despite, I already think I am going to miss these days.  Not for the uncomfortable parts of course, but for mere fact of being pregnant.
Being pregnant seems very mysterious to me.  It manifests the Divine Love and Power.  It is powerful and I enjoy it.
I also am cherishing the shape of this pregnant body.  May be the beauty is in the fact that it does not remain like this, and what will come after will never be like how it was before.
I am going to miss being pregnant, I am sure.  But I am ever so thankful for this grand opportunity, here and now.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Chocolate

What I'm seriously craving for: chocolate.
When I'm home in the morning, I make myself a spicy hot chocolate.
In the middle of the day I put two scoops of chocolate ice-cream in a mug and pour milk on top of it. Ah the icy chocolate-y treat!!
Then in the end of the day a mini double chocolate bar.
When we ran out of the cold chocolates I made the family make a trip to grocery store at 9PM. I never thought I'd do this but I think if there was any venue for it, it was at such a night: hot and pregnant.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Uncertainty

Tyree weeks and three days to the calculated due date. But who knows?
Contractions have started for sure. At times really breath taking since a few hours ago albeit pretty sporadical. Nothing is certain.  This is one of the most interesting lessons in pregnancy. That you can't plan because you can't know.