My thoughts, observations, fantasies while traveling through the internal and external universes
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Seasonal Crème brûlée
Hot Boston! I anticipated it to be humid too, but it was not.
I have got to start watching football (you know, the American version of it I mean!) and follow NBA and learn a few thing about the sport figures and the rumors in that area!!
It was the longest day of my 4-day career in this new role with a 7:30am meeting with my boss and my boss's boss and customers and conference sessions and competitors' trials and more customer meeting and conference calls and responding to e-mails and work and meeting a bunch of new people and thinking about an important conversation with a dear friend the night before and responding to texts and meeting with more customers and calling home and taking notes and thinking about what to get A to get to know where Boston is and fighting the residuals of a cold and after all this a dinner meeting with more customers and I feel I really blew it out not knowing any thing about any of the subjects the whole table was talking about! (except may be some of the talks about our products)
But Boston, people are definitely more trendy here, I like it actually and prefer it to the T-Shirt and jeans fashion in California; reminds me of Toronto actually. People (taxi drivers?) honk here which jumped me out of my skin all the time; There are red break houses around but for such an old city I anticipated more churches; And it took us 15 minutes to hale a taxi around 10:15PM in downtown. Oh I so appreciated the open windows of the taxi riding back to the hotel: the wind and the smell of the night.
It is past midnight here, again, and I seriously need to get some sleep.
By the way, the Seasonal Crème brûlée at Oceanaire Seafood place was great but had nothing to do with the May season as far as I could tell.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Boston Midnite
She buried her fingers deeper into her jeans, raising her head again to look at the sky, feeling the cold of her tear on her right cheek, one eye shedding, one drop.
What was happening? How were things changing? How things were going to get fixed? Was there any thing to get fixed? What if? What if not?
She found herself at the gate, no one was around. She got herself a locker, changed, and dived into the pool.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Last Week at BSC R&D - For Now
The positive point is that I am still going to be in the same division and hence in contact with most of the people that matter to me. I am glad I am leaving my department in good terms and with great relationships with my managers.
And then on the Marketing side I have a unique manager I cannot wait to work for. He struck me the first time I met him in a neurovascular forum as a very confident and marketing savvy person; he was tall and confidently loud and came across as a very knowledgeable and fearless professional. What is amazing about him is that despite his very high rank in his department he is very approachable and despite being such an achieved professional he is really humble. I feel blessed.
For now I have to finish a couple engineering deliverable and then start packing. I think tavakkol be khodaa I am ready to head for the new chapter in my career life.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Rainy Mother's Day
It is a beautiful Sunday morning with the clouds and the rain and my little A who is growing sweeter and sweeter every day. We danced to the tunes of children music this morning. He dances so clumsily but so amusingly to me, cheerful indeed.
I talked to my mother in law yesterday and my mom today to wish them a happy non-Iranian mother's day. They both laughed to hear the remark like they do every year. Unexpected appreciation I think makes them happy.
Motherhood seems like a unique journey indeed, a journey to unknown. The scenery is constantly changing in this trip, the destination is desired, imagined, fancied, but unknown; unexpected hardships at any corner but unexpected rewards at every turn too.
Happy Mother's Day! To my friends who have become mothers and those who are becoming mothers this year. Enjoy your journey!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Confession
Never thought I would not like to leave the room as I dreaded the reality of what was awaiting me behind the door.
Never thought a sweet remark could be so heart crushingly sad, a heart crushingly sad word could be so unimportant, an unimportant note could be so heart filling, a heart filling smile could be so ignored, an ignored touch could be so wanted, a wanted praise could be so denied, a denied cry could be so old, an old smell could be so pleasant, a pleasant look could be so hard.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Midnight 10K
2. I have decided to run a 10K race. Training for it is more difficult than I initially imagined. I have found a training schedule online and am trying to follow it. I actually modified the schedule with Mr E's input since he has already ran a Marathon and knows the intensity of the program already. Based on the modified schedule I am supposed to run 3 miles this Saturday, my first Saturday into the program. I am excited about this.
3. A goes to the little gym now. He gets offended though it you mentioned he was going to the little gym, he says "it is big!"
4. I decided I wanted to obtain an MBA degree, searched for schools, eliminated options based on different criteria, chose a school, applied, got admitted alhamdolellah, and registered for my first course just yesterday. I have to go to school and get a student card now. This last task item threw me into the reality of this all. I have become a university student, again!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Alley
It was set from weeks ago that they were going to meet there. He was gone for a month now and just before he left they had made a pledge to meet in that alley, in the afternoon of his return, rain or shine.
She never counted the days all that month, wanted to live each day by itself; it was a month of her life after all. She underwent the first three weeks hiding her heart behind four text books she had to study; Finished three and dragged on with the last one, no desire to finish this last one, no strength to endure the last week without a mind occupying hardship to keep her sanity.
It was the Sunday of his return, finally. She found herself in the alley before time. Puddles of rain water stained the path. She started walking along the flooding brook. She didn't wear her watch, intentionally. It was maddening having a counter beckoning the moments of her life flying away, bringing her closer to the end of her time, and her insane heart wanting that! The struggle between her logic and heart. Maddening. No watch to be worn in the alley on that afternoon.
That last week appeared to be harder than expected. It was the week during which she felt her heart wrenched more frequently, aching so hard she could wish she had no heart not to ache. But she did never wish so. Instead, she calmed her wrenching heart, or at least tried so. She closed her eyes every time inhaling deeply trying to remember the scent of his skin. The memory of that scent was disappearing though.
She inhaled deeply to feel the mixed fragrances of grass and wild flowers and rain drops.
The alley wound a few bends. She preferred that. The bends made the distances shorter; there always was a possibility of his appearance from a road blinded by a bend rather than a straight road stretched to the infinity void from any sign of his.
She had imagined their encounter a million times with a million different scenarios: As she saw him she would run to him, him standing in the distant; he would run to her, her frozen by his sight; she wouldn't see him until they literally bumped into each other... then she would hug him softly; she would jump on his chest grab his neck curl her knees around his back inhale his forgotten scent; she would just shake hand with him; she would shake hand and kiss his cheeks; ... then she would ask how his trip back was; she would say she was miserable without him; she would ask when he would be off on his next flight out; she would tell him how much her heart had missed him; ... then she would tell him she had to go back home soon being there too long; she would tell him she had all the evening to spend together; she would recommend having an ice cream in the newly remodeled parlor in downtown so they were in public;... her mind and heart in a constant battle of propriety and lust... but she knew she particularly wanted to inhale his manly scent again, kiss the side of his forehead to carry some of his scent forever with her.
On a very wide bend she saw him running toward her. She smiled. He started slowing down, panting, walking. She continued walking, said hi casually from distance. They stood a foot away from each other, greeting from afar. She stretched the bar of chocolate she had saved to share with him, he scratched his head forgetting to bring the running wrist watch she had asked him to. They walked back together, reviewing the to do list for the week. She was nodding her head smiling in her heart remembering all the long lost romantic memories of that alley.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Nothing is Perfect
Befriend her and watch her turn her back and leave
Make friends and observe your own unbelieving eyes when you are driven away from them
Kiss his lips and bear the pain of bitten tongue
Give birth and hear him not inviting you to his birthday party
Watch her beauty and ache the desire to hold her
Enjoy the night and burn in the heat of the regretful hell
Love him and swallow his devilishly unfair look at you
Nothing is perfect, ever, in this perfect world of the Gods!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Rear View Mirror
People were rushing, to home or somewhere. People in Bay Area are always rushing, to home or work or somewhere. In the rushing moments there are some who need a rush of caffeine who would stop by a Peet's or go through drive through Starbucks rushing to rush the spike of energy to their brain cells. They hardly even taste their coffee any more. A few though, a very rare few, would park by the coffee shop and literally get out to stay. This coffee shop was no Starbucks or Peet's, it was noticeable: A simple, old, dusty coffee shop with mismatching and raggedy furniture decorated with large canvas bags of coffee beans and local artists artworks.
It was no particularly significant time of the day but a particularly significant spot in the town. They had parked by the coffee shop not noticing the rushing traffic about and turned off the car. There was no desire in either of them to leave the car though in that late afternoon despite the significance of the venue.
He checked his watch one last time, she started the car. He opened the door, stepped out, and shut the door close, she whirled into the rushing traffic of the late afternoon. He walked towards the coffee shop not even once turning back to look, she watched him stepping away in her rear view mirror vanishing like a blue dot into the particularly significant coffee shop, alone.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Until Tomorrow
She always liked her job and her company, she was one of the best resources in her department, and one of the best girls to hang out with, and above all, to befriend with. However, lately she was not satisfied with her job any more. She was growing and the work shell she had could not acceptably house her talent any longer. She deserved a better bigger shell. She needed new challenges, new responsibilities, new leadership, newer management. Circumstances just helped push her out of her familiar but uncomfortable shell. And she finally was found by this great opportunity. She was certain the new job was going to provide her with growth, exactly what she deserved. Alas the job was in San Diego. She shipped her stuff down south. Even her car was going to be shipped the next day. And she is flying to San Diego on Friday. A one-way ticket... She said her goodbyes to the company, coworker and colleagues today and her exit interview escorted her towards her new horizon to be discovered.
She will head to explore this new beach city, find herself new friends, and enjoy the strolls in downtown SD. I bet there is a Starbucks there to provide her with Dark Cherry Mocha samples sprinkled with shredded chocolate. From now on she will be my excuse for my short weekend getaways. Considering that all the last thing I wanted to say in this perfect rainy night was to say goodbye. I am going to see her soon.
She and her delightful spirit will be missed here though!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Daddy Long-Legs
It is a Friday in summer of 1993. We are invited to my paternal grandparents'. We arrive around 10 am right after breakfast and are supposed to stay for the whole day, a long day as it usually is at their place. My youngest and fun aunt who still lives at home has just gotten engaged and is all lovey dovey with her fiance all the time, they either vanish outside or in her room not visible most of the day so it is really no more fun to spend a whole day there. But the new uncle-to-be, Mr Mohandes, arrives that day with a book: "Daddy Long-Legs" and is so positively advertising the book. Z, S, and I are fishy (he is always boastful about every thing that gets him engaged) but excited about this book which looks pretty old, from his library for sure. So the three of us sit in the living room by ourselves and start reading.
It is lunch time, as late as 2PM, which is used to be the case in their home. We are still reading. I suppose each is reading a chapter out loud and the other two are bent over the book on either side of the reader. We don't care about the lunch and just continue reading. And for sure we finish it in half a day.
Soon that year they started broadcasting the animation series with the same name and I remember it affected the whole high school girls. I guess everyone wished to have a daddy-long-legs!
Here is a short plot from Wikipedia:
"Jerusha Abbott was brought up at the John Grier Home, an old-fashioned orphanage. The children were wholly dependent on charity and had to wear other people's cast-off clothes. Jerusha's unusual first name was selected by the matron off a grave stone, while her surname was selected out of the phone book. At the age of 18, she has finished her education and is at loose ends, still working in the dormitories at the institution where she was brought up.
One day, after the asylum's trustees have made their monthly visit, Jerusha is informed by the asylum's dour matron that one of the trustees has offered to pay her way through college. He has spoken to her former teachers and thinks she has potential to become an excellent writer. He will pay her tuition and also give her a generous monthly allowance. Jerusha must write him a monthly letter, because he believes that letter-writing is important to the development of a writer. However, she will never know his identity; she must address the letters to Mr. John Smith, and he will never reply.
Jerusha catches a glimpse of the shadow of her benefactor from the back, and knows he is a tall long-legged man. Because of this, she jokingly calls him "Daddy Long-Legs." She attends a women's college, but the name and location are never identified; however, men from Princeton University are frequently mentioned as dates, so it is certainly on the East Coast. The college is almost certainly based on the author's alma mater, Vassar College, judging from college traditions mentioned. She illustrates her letters with childlike line drawings, also created by Jean Webster."
Saturday, March 27, 2010
... And Running Is Resumed
I am not sure how far I ran today, I know it took me about 40 minutes including a short but sweet phone call interruption and a few walking intermissions. It was a fulfilling exercise.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
trauma
I feel drained from it all. But what keeps coming back to my mind is my mother; how many times she got called to school because of me alone, and I was not a busy girl at all! I remember once in high school I had an accident in which my head bumped into a classmates face during an sport activity. I remember how after the impact I was thrown back in a reflective response. I was transported to the principle's office, my friend to a hospital. My mom got called and shortly she was with me in the office. I could tell how traumatized she herself was, although she seemed calm. She later told me when the office had called her, the more they insistent that I was doing fine after the accident the more she felt something was seriously wrong. She wanted all the details I think to feel she was properly and honestly informed... Ah kids, their adventures, and moms and dads!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
1389
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Fireflies
We had a nice chaarshanbe suri last night! I enjoyed the crowd and the music and the fire.
I have a haft seen at work, and I am taking one to A's preschool on Friday. I have been thinking what to do for the children and have been brainstorming about it. And today got a great idea from my dear EE that I am excited to execute it tonight with A himself. Will let you know about the outcome later.
I have new ideas, daring ideas! So excited about them. Will share them later too, if they manifest, and I hope they do!
I am happy the year is changing again! Happy Spring and Nowruz in advance!
And finally, here is a very beautiful lyrics a especially dear friend shared with me today, made me smile reading it over and over... Enjoy!
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Princess Midnight
Today in the mall I was trying a few dresses. I liked one and I tried it again. A was with me in the fitting room attempting to angle the mirrors for me; not very helpful to me I must say as he did that based on his own point of view. Trying the dress I twirled in front of the mirror and my dress just rose a bit in my spin, a childish thrill. A immediately claimed: "Mommy! You are my princess!" Ah! My heart just melted hearing that from him, especially now despite Kayla! Well, joking aside I had read once that a dad is a girl's first hero/love and I agreed with it; I think now it is true about moms and sons as well. Wont last too long I know, but I am enjoying my new title as long as it lasts!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Joueuse (France - 2009)
Change can happen and will happen, in many different ways. Chess is only one means.
It was about a middle aged lady, Hélène, living a simple and quite routine and boring life in a very beautiful village in France. She works as a maid in a hotel and at Dr Kroger's, has a nice husband it seems, and a teenage daughter. It seems all is calm in her life and in her relationships; every one takes her and her actions as granted: a timely maid, trustworthy with her job, available to her family, attentive to her guests, ... Suddenly she finds a newly discovered passion in herself: to play chess. She decides to not only learn the game but become good at it, and Dr Kroger gets to coach her. I liked him very much, played by Kevin Kline. His wife was passed away as an undiscovered artist, "her doubt was stronger than her painting". Another quote from him that I liked "having a lousy plan is better than having no plan at all".
She discovers herself in a new way and let her family and friends and enemies also find that aspired and free lady in her. All the granted behaviors change after that. Oh and she dances a very authentic dance with her daughter in the middle of the movie, when she encountered her doubts. I loved that!
"La dame est la pièce la plus forte... c'est fou hein?" : "The queen is the strongest piece ... it's crazy, eh?"
Friday, March 5, 2010
Still in Toronto
I had a nice chat with RD in the morning over the breakfast. Later I headed down town to meet with an old high school friend, LSh, and then went to Eaton Center. I was late for my meeting with GT but we had a nice strange lunch together: Grapefruit Juice and Creme Caramel. Finally I headed to campus to meet with SB and AZ and eventually Prof Zu, my master's supervisor. She is the chair of the department now but still had blocked 90 minutes in her busy schedule to just meet with me; it was an honor. I found that she still trusted me deeply. She saw in me what I think many cannot see, I think she is a very kind, wise, and observant lady. She conveyed very impressive remarks about life I cannot stop reviewing them. She said passion was a very strong drive in life that could be directed in so many different ways but if neglected lead to disappointment. She said immigrant ladies had a strong passion in them for a huge change, and those who survived thrived. Also that what was not reachable was the most attractive. And that there were so many times one just could surrender to fate in order to find the right way. I think I knew it all but it was very nice and reassuring to be heard again in such a venue.
I rode the subway to and from down town again, and then walked a lot in the cold but lovely weather here. I found myself enjoying the sunny side of the side walks better and found myself writing in the subway with a great passion.
My dear RD had invited a few other couple friends for dinner so we could all meet up and chat. It was so nice to be with them and so strange not to have M and A with me in such a gathering.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
On UofT Campus
Arrived last night while my dear AF was waiting for me and later her whole family were waiting for me to arrive. It was great spending last night and today with her. It was amazing how the passage of time had not blurred our friendship. We could talk about any thing and laugh about any thing. We called NA to congratulate her with her new born baby boy, Mani. Such a nice name! She was totally surprised, such a fun.
I took the subway to the campus. Did not read or write on my ride, did not listen to music on my IPod, but instead read all the adds and listened to so many languages and dialects flying all around me. How wonderfully welcoming this city is! One never has to make any effort to fit in! I think that is one reason I love this city so much. I love the winter "fashion" here, if you can call it fashion. As colorful as the languages around you.
The subway has gotten older, visibly older, has still the old smell it had. And the fair is now $3 to go any where in the city.
I walked to campus, saying hi to Mount Sinai hospital, A's birthplace, from afar. And then entering the Mech Eng Building. Oh all the same clipboards and classrooms I was taught in and taught at. There was no student walking by that I could recognize. Climbed to the second floor and walked by profs' offices, smiling in my heart, knowing them most except for a few newer ones.
It is cold, not too cold but still piercing through your skin. Then the buildings are warm, way too warm if you ask me.
It was easy to get access to internet as an alumni, felt great to be entitled for that so welcoming and easily.
Tonight is my Iron Ring Ceremony at University College. I am going to meet DH who is now DD in between the East and West wings from where we will find our way to the ceremony. I am excited about it all and grateful to be here one more time. It is a grand city to me.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Going to Toronto
I baked A his favorite muffin tonight and M a full dish of brownies to have with his favorite vanilla ice cream every night until I come back. I am going to Toronto. And I am so happy for that. I have missed that city so much. I have missed all my friends there. And I am thrilled to have the chance to meet them all again.
Tomorrow night I will be at AF's. I used to go to her house back in college. She was my only married friend when I was still pursuing my bachelors, she is a few years older than I am but still she married much younger than I did. She had a baby girl then who is thirteen now, officially a teenager, and I am awful in knowing what to buy for a teenager. I am so excited to go to her new place now in Toronto.
I am also going to RD's place for the rest of my stay. I have lots of beautiful memories with her, I have learned a lot from her and still I am grateful for her friendship. Such a pity that A cannot come with me as he could very well enjoy the time with RN's son. But I am still very excited to be with lovely RD and her beautiful family. I know they have renovated their house now and I am excited to see how it looks. I liked their house before and I am sure it is even more likable.
I am going to accept my Iron Ring at the Campus 1 ceremony on Thursday night. Spending the evening with DH, how happy I am to meet her again!
I hope to meet so many other friends. I am also going to stroll around in down town I hope.
I have missed that city and I am glad to go back enshaalaa.
About Me
- midnight/...
- An emigrant from an ancient civilization to North America, an engineer in marketing and management, a mom of working kind, who thinks when she talks, and who likes to write. I, L.B., own the copyright to the content.