The Heart is Warm

There was a dark moment in her life. A moment that was gone but the fact that it was there made her sheiver with disbelief. So dark and cruel, so scary. How could she have thought like so? She didn't want to look back lest the darkness of that moment would suffocate her.

It was a dark moment in the past but the guilt and worry made it ever present.

She gathered all her conviction and looked in the eyes of her past self.  The past self appeared miserably lonely and scared. She felt tethered and incapable. She doubted herself and her environment. She appeared as a helpless child in need of understanding and shelter. The present self suddenly understood herself and grew compassionate toward herself. She told her how she witnessed her loneliness and doubt; how she observed her lack of confidence and strength at the moment. She told her how she accepted her as she was, fraud and weak at times; dark at that moment. She told her she understood her still.

She forgave herself and loved her. 

The dark moment transformed to a shear experience now. 

Heart Multiplying

It's amazing, this heart, which fills with love beyond anything else when one falls in love.
Then one becomes a parent and experiences love of a different kind; this love too fills one’s heart yet the already existing loves in it remain intact or even increase, thanks to the compassion a new parent feels. Then comes another child and one thinks one's heart will divide; yet instead it multiplies.

Such is how I feel. Grateful for every moment of it!

Newness

I was born. I was loved. I was abandoned. I was taken care of. I was wronged. I was guided. I was cursed. I was nurtured. I was left to wallow in guilt.

I grew up. 

I learned to cope, to hide my emotions, to support the family no matter what. To study and thrive and grow more independent.

I grew up.

I moved away and I yearned for the love I was deprived from. I built a new life and rebuilt it and built it yet again. I kept silencing my true needs and feelings. I felt guilty every time I desired the forsaken childhood I was deprived from.  I talked myself to sleep at nights. I screamed at my childhood in the restless nights of my adulthood.

I grew up.

I saw my fears. I surrendered to them. Finally, I faced my fears. And I came out of this more knowing and accepting.

I am learning now what I desired was real. I'm learning now that what I yearned for was my right. I am learning now that I was indeed wronged and I deserved to feel mad and not feel guilty about it.

I'm also learning that it is my life, now, here, and no place for that childhood. No room for that adult.  They are embedded in me, but they are not me.

I grew up. 

It is my time now. To cherish what I really am. To look for the Divine within and around. To be and not to act. To take control of my life.

It's my time, now, and forever, to reinvent my life.