Reading the Past

I wanted to write a couple of recent events in the journal I keep for my A. I started writing for him in this journal before he was born. Then continued with the most prominent events in his life, first real smile, first tooth, first word, first step, and do on; but also how I observed him as a baby and a kid: what he seemed to like, how he seemed to react. Mostly though I write about my feelings for him.  I am planning to give it to him at some point in the future. May be when he has his own child enshala, if I'm still alive.

I opened the notebook tonight but instead of writing I started reading. Soon I found it so vividly clear in my heart how I felt toward him back then.  I missed his babyhood so dearly suddenly.  He is grown and independent now.  It was a very perplex feeling, a new experience even, reading the notebook.

I want him a baby again. I want him to grow up too. And I want him to live a long life.

God be with you my sunny son!

I hope to cherish every moment of these days that you are still with us, chatting away about your silly dreams and wanting to be read to at bed time.

I think letting go is one of the hardest part of motherhood.