I suddenly feel very grounded. Tethered even?
Interestingly M has a similar feeling.
In fact it hit me the other day, watching M holding the little angle in his arms and cajoling with A on a matter. Arms full. Mouth full of words. Attention too focused. It was intense to watch.
I suddenly find hardly any time for me, any time for the house, any time to think or concern about others I so dearly care for. Any time to read.
It took me forty some days to get to this conclusion. May be it was not as intense earlier. May be I was most focused on one thing: the little angel, and not A as much, let alone the house and other matters. But now, with the new school year approaching, all the programming for his extra curricular activities and shopping for school and wondering about his new teacher and classmates suddenly hit hard, in addition to all things baby and the untidy house and missed calls.
For any simple outing I have to pack two bags now and I have to remember everything yet I will forget something. The last thing I think about is me.
Knowing me, it will become a routine soon, I have no doubt, to pack two bags and not forget anything I mean. Yet, I wonder if I will ever be able to think about me again, all my dreams, all the new and old places I like to visit, all the people I wish to be with.
Frankly, I can't think about it too hard right now. I better get ready for this Saturday's outing while the little one is taking a nap lest I will miss the short window of opportunity. As Scarlet O'Hara would say, I will think about it tomorrow (so unlike me)...
When I was younger, around 15 years ago, I thought that I wouldn't have any problem in future when I would get older. I didn't know that I would have more problems but I just get used to them.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you just need to not to think about it too much-- let the moments come and go. As kids get older we become the student of "how to raise our kids". I know that it's a big responsibility but when I look at those whom I have been known since they were kids, I realize that kids do not turn on to be who their parents wanted to be, but rather who their parents were; which reminds me of the song: Cat's in the Cradle!
You'll be fine! Don't think about it too much.
By the way, congratulations on the arrival of the new angel.
ReplyDeleteIndeed Babak. Totally agreed that as time passes I learn how to do it better. That's the beauty of it, life in general I mean. It helps to talk about it and listen to others input. I also think there might be moms out there voting through same hardships and might appreciate to know they are not alone.
ReplyDeleteIt was nice reading from you!
And thAnks!:) longest time no news. Hope all is well with you.
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