Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Delivering for the Second Time

Everyone told me it was easier, faster, less painful.
It wasn't, not for me.
Anticipating an easier and faster delivery I forego epidural lest it would make the delivery unnecessarily longer. I ended up being in labor for close to two days; very intense contraction yet slow progress.
I started listening to Sufi music in the middle of the first stage of the labor; which helped with tolerating the pains more effectively. It was actually like a miracle how the sensation of pain reduced in my body while I was chanting with the songs. Interestingly other music didn't have the same effect.
I did the breathing method too of course which I tended to forget as the contractions intensified. M was a great help guiding me through them.
I ended up asking for epidural after 3 hours of idle progress while 2/3rd into the first stage of the labor while contractions were really painful.  I realized I couldn't relax my body and thought epidural would help.  And it did as my body accomplished the first stage in only two more hours.  Then started with the delivery itself which took another couple of hours.
Looking back, I hardly remember the agony.  I do remember the facts, I remember how each contractions made me say to myself "you can do it" as if i doubted my body.  I font remember the pain though.
It was an amazing experience the first moment I saw my little girl.  A little precious thing, so fragile, all mine (and M's), choosing me as her pathway to this world. I am ever thankful!!

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Blessed

Our little angel blessed us with her early arrival on Monday. It was indeed a holy day for us from religious perspective and got even mote special with the birth of our little angel.
Will write more soon enshala, about 2nd baby delivery, big brother's reactions, and my feelings.  Right now I'm drowsy with the pain killer medicines I'm taking and not much capable of creating notes.
For now, I feel most grateful!!

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: One Last Night?

Breathe.
Concentrating on how each painful contraction gets me closer to my baby girl. Ah at times really hard to tolerate the pain. But soon it will be over enshala.
I said goodbyes to A at bed time. He didn't understand why we couldn't all go to the hospital together. And was sad to know that I'd stay there for two days. He cried actually and that broke my heart. Thankfully my mom is here and he has great bound with her. I'm sure they will manage fine.
I'm glad M is finally asleep. We all had a long day. Preparing and cleaning the house for the arrival of the little princess enshala.
He insisted that I needed to count the minutes from the onset of each contraction to the next and also the duration. I think I will know when we have to go to hospital: when I cant walk anymore.
I feel hungry. Had half a toast with a bit of fried egg white, fearing my needed energy for labor is spent on digestion. Hopefully I can endure the hunger for a few hours more. I read having ice pop handy is a good idea. I'm looking forward to having a couple when we get to the hospital.
I praid and meditated. I feel connected and more relaxed compare to a few days ago.
The moon is pretty full tonight. I think it is mysteriously beautiful.
I ill try to have a few minutes of shut eyes, if not hours now.
Good night moon!

Notes from a Woman with A Pump: A Midnight Diary

Sleepy eyes and mind and a body in pain. Sporadic pain yet intense; sleepless, tired, anxious, excited.
Singing in my head, thinking of my favorite things doesn't help; praying, chanting. That's better.
I wonder where you are. What you have been doing. When I will hear you. When I will see you. How you look.
There will be tomorrow. I hope!

House of Cards - A Netflix Movie - an early critique

Just finished the 7th episode last night.  It is one of those series that completely captures your mind.
It depicts corruption in the government, the greed that justifies any means for the aim in mind.
The main Character, Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacy), is depicted is a real shroud, smart, direct, quick, and cruel congressman. It is interesting how despite knowing all these negative characteristics in him, one might sympathize with him. He is no hero, yet he wins. Hence, his charcter might provoke the support of the viewers' mind.
Zoe Barnes (Kate Mara), the young ambitious journalist, looks fragile but shows some agile characteristics of herself makes one wonder how far she can go.
And Clair Underwood (Robin Wright), is a mystery. Even her face, her jawbone and colarbone, her physics, draw curiosity. How she carries herself and how she deals with Frank. Is she happy? She told an old guard she was not looking for happiness. Is she real?

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Delivery Anxiety

I feel scared of delivery.
I was not feeling a tiny bit anxious when I was pregnant with A. I was tired I remember, and heavy and uncomfortable. But I was looking forward to my contractions ever so calmly.
This time however, in the past few nights, I have started feeling too anxious I feel hyper ventilated. I need to get up and walk ... thinking of my favorite things not to think about this.
I feel suffocated.
What if the baby is pressing in my lungs while I need to breathe the most?
What if my stomach can't tolerate the pain and I have even more acid reflux blocking my esophageal and ultimately my breathing canal?
What if she starts moving too much pressing on my organs and give me more pain?
What if I can't breathe?
I have been trying to think about my body as a separate entity from "I". That helps to calm my nerves but what if I forget about this when I'm in labor?
What if I tear? Get completely damaged?
I try to think how much I love this baby girl and want to meet her.  But I feel scared of what she can do to my body during delivery.
I try to practice meditation, pray, and being present but what if I forget all that?
What if I die during labor after enduring so much agony and pain?
...
So, today I went to the library and grabbed several pregnancy and labor books. Opened them all to delivery and labor session and read them all, in addition to all the books and articles I had read before, getting myself prepared for the worst.
My upside down pear-shape uterus will take the shape of a canal during contractions.
The last stage of dilation, between 8 to 10cm dilation, can be the most painful time that can make my body feel exhausted, drained out of energy, and I won't have any appetite to eat to regain energy.
I might vomit. (This is something I dislike the most after feeling suffocated).
I might tear, get a swollen cervix.
I might get weak in my legs, get too tired to move, get dehydrated.
I might change my mind about pain management medicine too late.
I might get stressed out or really fearful.
There. I know now.
I have vomited before.
I have felt suffocated before.
I have been in pain before.
And I will die one day anyway.
I decided to stay open minded about whatever comes up. I am strong and it's OK to feel weak.  What I can control is stress and fear.  I will do my best.
I think I can do it. Enshala!  But I take your advise too if any.

Happy Father's Day!

To all the fathers, Happy Father's Day!
To all the good fathers, Happy Father's Day! You deserve it!
To my M, as an observer I really applaud you in your fatherhood.  You are indeed a kind, reliable, wise dad and I am happy for my kids having you as a father.  Happy Father's Day!

Out in the Nature - A Restless Yearning

I need the nature.
A lake.  Mountain peaks.  The woods.  A river perhaps.

Notes from A Woman with a Bump: Maternity Leave

I am finally off work.  My parents and grandma have been worried about me working so late into my pregnancy.  Back home the custom is for the pregnant lady to take the last couple months easy, relaxed, and concentrated on nesting.  Now God willing I might get a couple weeks or so.
A and I made a trip to the mall yesterday with two specific stops.  Shopped for Father's Day present.  Had lunch at food court and then headed to the movie theater: Epic. A seemed to really enjoy himself.  We got back home by about 4:30 for a quick nap and unwinding.  I need these naps because I am sleep deprived at night with hip pain and acid reflux.
I must admit that I couldn't refrain from having sneak peaks into my  mailbox here and there.  My excuse was to delete emails as they come so I am not confronted with 1000s of email upon return to work in a few months.  And a sales rep called about a fantastic recent case and wanted to thank my efforts; that was kind of him.
Today we are meeting a friend for lunch.  Looking forward to a relaxed outing.

To Vote

In my humble opinion, when there is a society that allows voting, be it at home, at school, in the city, or through governmental election, one must exercise her right to vote.
There is no home, no school, no city, and no government that is perfect.  Knowing this, my electing to vote does not imply that I agree with all policies involved.
Also to vote doesn't mean my vote will be the elected vote.
My choosing to vote, in my opinion, just means that I believe that I have a voice and my voice is worthy of being heard and also that I agree to disagree.
These are the considerations I take into account before the election.  What happens next belongs to the future, to be seen.
I vote at the society I live in where I am given the right.
Now in the upcoming Iranian presidential election, I would vote if I were reciting in Iran or if I had any plan or intention to live there in the near future.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Missing

There is more or less three more weeks to go, enshaalaa.  I feel uncomfortable most of the time.  Breathing is hard, eating feels uncomfortable both before and after, sleeping can feel painful in my hip and back, and I wake up to a stiff body that prenatal yoga helps a lot with alleviating the pain.
Despite, I already think I am going to miss these days.  Not for the uncomfortable parts of course, but for mere fact of being pregnant.
Being pregnant seems very mysterious to me.  It manifests the Divine Love and Power.  It is powerful and I enjoy it.
I also am cherishing the shape of this pregnant body.  May be the beauty is in the fact that it does not remain like this, and what will come after will never be like how it was before.
I am going to miss being pregnant, I am sure.  But I am ever so thankful for this grand opportunity, here and now.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Chocolate

What I'm seriously craving for: chocolate.
When I'm home in the morning, I make myself a spicy hot chocolate.
In the middle of the day I put two scoops of chocolate ice-cream in a mug and pour milk on top of it. Ah the icy chocolate-y treat!!
Then in the end of the day a mini double chocolate bar.
When we ran out of the cold chocolates I made the family make a trip to grocery store at 9PM. I never thought I'd do this but I think if there was any venue for it, it was at such a night: hot and pregnant.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Uncertainty

Tyree weeks and three days to the calculated due date. But who knows?
Contractions have started for sure. At times really breath taking since a few hours ago albeit pretty sporadical. Nothing is certain.  This is one of the most interesting lessons in pregnancy. That you can't plan because you can't know.