"Take This Longing"

Grey. Blue. White. The sky.
Green. Yellow. Orange. Red. The leaves.
The Sun. The Rain. The Fog. The hills.
The still chirping birds. The trees.
The smell of wet dirt. The earth.

I love San Francisco Bay Area in November. And this year, there is nowhere else I wish to be at the beginning of Azar, the month of fire, the month I was born in.

Listening to the music, driving home towards the southern hills in the middle of the day, I was thinking I would go to Santa Cruz if I were crazy enough. And I am sure, I will be crazy enough one day and I will do exactly so.

"Oh take this longing from my tongue,

whatever useless things these hands have done.

Let me see your beauty broken down

like you would do for one you love."

Happy to go to the concert in a couple weeks!

Europe Biz Trip - 4

Finally on Heathrow Express toward London Heathrow. Alone.

I am excited that I have free WiFi in the train. So convenient!

I made it to London Euston Station alright and my yet another very polite and attentive colleague collected me from the station. I met another colleague and the three of us attended a kind of Neurovascular meeting that started at 6:30PM and last at 11PM.

It is cloudy in London today. Yesterday though, as soon as I opened the curtains around 7:20 AM there was the beautiful sun just in the horizon of my hotel room window view above the London Eye. My colleague was very kind to suggest to take me to our appointments on the ground by riding his car rather than taking the Underground. It was quite an experience to see London by car. Last time I was there with family we just took the underground. I dread the feeling of being jammed in a contained space layers and layers under the ground. So couldn't be more thrilled to travelin on the ground.

Meetings all went fine and informative. And in the evening, when finally all the work related meetings were over, M.A. kindly stopped by my hotel. We walked the Edgeware road for some time, chat nicely, and had a quick starter together. It was awesome to meet her, relaxing, refreshing, loving. I walked to the M&S store in front of the hotel after saying goodbyes to here and found many pretty stuff there. Earlier also when I stopped really quickly to buy A a Trunkie I found John Lewis store full of very stylish attires. I like European shopping.

...

I got to Heathrow and found the Star Alliance lounge. Ah almost home :) And again the convenience of a free WiFi so I can finish this post.

Oh people are very proper and polite in UK. I like it actually but now, sitting in the lounge and aching for a comfortable positioning for my tired body, I hope they don't mind if I stretch my legs on the bench.

All my colleagues have been fabulous everywhere I went. I cannot wait to meet them all again in San Francisco in January in our global meeting.

Last night, sitting or laying down felt as if I was still moving. I have been moving hundreds to thousands of miles every day in the past week. I cannot be more grateful for such an uneventful and fruitful trip! I can claim that UK has been very kind to my travels this time. All my hotel rooms were nice with better amnesties. Also my jet lag was fading so I slept much better in the past three nights albeit short still. Happy that I am ending on a high note.

Thanks Europe! :)

Europe Biz Trip - 3

In the train, going from Liverpool to London, Alone.

It is half past noon and the sun is dimly penetrating through the clouds. It is grey.

I made it alright to France. Got to Charles de Gaulle. Flew to Bordeaux where I had a couple good and quick appointments. Had a good French food with colleagues and tried the yummy foie gras for the first time. Made it to the airport just to run to the gate and fly back to Charles de Gaulle. The wait was supposed to be short but there was delay which made it possible for me to call home. Boarded eventually and sat in plane, on the ground, for another two hours until they decided the fog in Dusseldorf wont interfere with landing.

I was listening to “The New Earth” audio book in the plane. Got me intrigued by talking about the depth of the reality in human, and how I am not the feeling, but I feel the feeling. And how Krishna Murthy said once that “I don’t mind what happens”. I felt like smiling at this :)

So. I got to Dusseldorf after two hours delay. So I contemplated staying in Dusseldorf rather than traveling to Essen by taxi in such a fog that prevented the plane from taking off at Paris. But decided I would think about it later. At Dusseldorf, my bag did not arrive. It was still in Paris. And I thought “I don’t mind what happens” :) Filled in the paper work, decided to take the chance and go to Essen, got to my hotel safely. And on such a nice that I had no bag with me, no toiletries or nothing, the hotel was not a nice one. It had a single bed, tiny. There was hardly any thing in the bathroom and I had no new cloth. Washed every thing I could to reuse tomorrow. And finally got to bed. After 4 hours I opened my eyes to find myself unmoved. Checked on the wet cloths and got back to bed, thinking “I don’t mind what happens” :)

Met my dear colleague in the morning who had brought me some cosmetics kindly. I decided I could survive without. Made it through the day with a very interesting and strong minded customer. But a fruitful meeting still. He offered me and my colleague a very yummy cake one of his patients had brought him. My colleague was very attentive and smart and I enjoyed spending the day with her.

To Dusseldorf again, collected my bag, and rode the plane to Manchester. In all Italy, France, and Germany I found it not difficult at all for people to think I was from North America. I felt my accent was perfect. ;) Unlike in US where occasionally I would be asked “where are you from originally” implying they could detect my non-American English accent. A chatty and polite British business man was sitting by me in the plane to Manchester. We talked about work and MBA and traveling by different airlines. He saw my passport when I was filling in the custom checking card. He thought I was Canadian. Later, he asked what kind of accent I had. Well yes, back to an English speaking country and I was caught ;) He claimed he could be George Clooney in the Up in the Air because he had already travelled more than 1.5 million miles. He had interesting wisdom to share for an occasion when your bag does not arrive at 9:30 PM local time and you have a meeting right the next day.

Made it to Liverpool from Manchester AND, my room got upgraded to Executive! I though there was justice in the world! :) Later, with the room service I ordered came the desert with a note “compliment from Nemo” and I thought that should have been my project manager whom I wrote to about my not so smoothly taken trip last night. It was a charming surprise. I had a very unusually nice falling to sleep experience. Slept very well, albeit short, thanks to the nicer room and fresh clothing and nice shower and sweet dessert and nice chats I had with my dear Sh. K. and my M. I was collected again by another kind and charming colleague and she took me to my next meeting. I had a nice appointment with more confirming points for my project. I am in train to London. Excited to be in one room for two nights in a row. And so very sleepy.

Europe Biz Trip - 2

In the air. Flying over Italy into France. Alone.

I was supposed to be in Bordeaux this morning but a chain of events last night caused me to miss my flight and not get into any other flight for the night. So I came back to the same hotel I had checked out of that morning. I was told there was no regular room available and they gave me the deluxe room. I preferred the regular room of the night before as the so called deluxe room was full of insects. I believe that was the gift from the beautiful Swan Lake behind the hotel and the rain. The only problem was that I prefer not to have insects as my roommates and I couldn’t sleep a bit last night. Just waited till 4:30AM and got up and left. The hotel reception advised I should have changed my room but I thought there were no other available. They were very kind and I wouldn't mind to go back there again, hopefully in a more sunny weather so I can explore the lake may be.

In the two days I was in Milan it was foggy and rainy, cloudy in its best. Italians seemed to me as really warm as you would find in movies. They do talk passionately about any thing and take food seriously. It seemed not odd or uncommon that in a restaurant the tables were just side by side each other and if there was a forth sit available a total stranger would come and sit there. I thought what an admirably closely knit nation! And Linate airport, well, a bit of a memorable experience I should say.

I am going to Bordeaux, will be there only for about 3 hours. And will go back to Dusseldorf via Paris again.

Happy Eid by the way to my readers who celebrate it! Best of the best prayers to you all!

Europe Biz Trip 1

In the air. Flying over Atlantic toward Europe. Alone.

Deactivated my facebook account a few days ago and since then I am yearning for my blog. I have inspiration to publish my thoughts again.

M.R. once encouraged me to really publish myself. He said he had notices that my writings were vague, as if the meanings wanted to be hidden beneath the words. That I buried the meanings I was trying to say under layers and layers of sentences. I smiled at his observation. He was correct I thought and I liked it. I thought I was too revealed already and being tagged as reserved in writing was somewhat an achievement even.

Tonight though, I better not type. I am too ready to reveal myself.

It is tomorrow, which is today.
I am in a hotel in Milan. Past 2PM here and it is dark and raining. The hotel looks fine but in a rather residential place. I think I will stay inside, no dining out.

In the transit security line in Frankfurt there was an old doctor in front of me who decided to swap his turn with me and hence, started talking. He was funny actually. In the short conversation time on the line I found out that he disliked United Airlines, he had been to Milan a few times and thought it was a large industrial city with very good food, and that I was crazy to think that after travelling all the way from San Francisco I was going to be functional and working tomorrow. He was German, a kind chatty sort.

My flight attendant from Frankfurt to Milan seemed curious about my origin as he asked me where I was from and when I asked why he said he thought I was from Eastern Europe but then when he checked my last name (!!! really curious!!) he couldn’t figure things out any more. His forst guess was Eastern Europe (!!) and he thought I was there for vacation. Why should I come to Milan on vacation in November? Hmm, may be for a nice walk in the Italian rain! And then a cup of tea yummy!

Need to get to work, have stuff to take care of before the big day tomorrow. I am meeting with a few customers and I am not sure if they speak English. I wish I knew Italian! I remember I started studying Italian when I was in middle school. My dad had two self instructed Italian learning books and I had started memorizing phrases. Wish I had gone further than the first few pages! Gosh I could memorize things much more efficiently back then and I thought I didn’t have the sharpest memory! How stupid! And I know 30 years from now I will say the same thing about today ;)

Fall

Steam is raising from the cup of tea. Her cold fingers punching on the keyboard, occasionally brushing over the raised bumps on her skin. She looks outside. The sun seems weakened, given power to gray clouds, feeling old and cold. The green leaves resist the loss, persist in imposing the power of life over the coldness of the Earth. She can hardly hear any chirping coming from the bushes. She feels an urge for the warmth of a fire.
There is no steam raising from the still cup of tea.

"The Painted Veil"

It was a long time I had not watched a movie. Months may be.
I got home late one night and there was no body there. Too late to do any thing, too silent to bear the loneliness. No cable or satellite TV but some recorded movies. I chose a 2006 movie happening in 1925 China. The title sounded appealing with added bonus of staring Naomi Watts. It turned out really exciting and interesting.
I enjoyed the illustration of ups and downs of emotions and reactions to the emotions through out the movie. I enjoyed the scenery and the costume. And most of all I enjoyed the liberating sensation of watching a movie to the end.

Week Two

Today is the last day of the second week since we moved into our house. Literally, our house. It is a unique feeling how I relate to this house. It is tiny and dusty and unset. There are still workers in the house in continuation of our renovation project. We tore down three small walls and raised the ceiling, completely remodelled the kitchen, converted the garage to an entertainment room, changed the windows and doors and fireplace, resurfaced the hard floors and repainted all walls.

We finally moved in two weeks ago despite as the contractor was already delayed by three weeks back then. I cherish this relocation at the first few days of Ramazan.

I sit in the middle of the empty dusty living room and look around. Hmm, my house!

Driving home the other night, looking at the far green Santa Cruz hills, I found myself smiling with the thought of "going home". I like this house!

A Lunch Bag

We bought A a lunch bag, his very first lunch bag as he just started in a new Pre Kindergarten which is closer to the new house and where there is no lunch provided to the kids. So we went shopping for a lunch bag yesterday; not a difficult hunt at all, the one with images of Woody and Buzz Lightyear got selected at the first sight. Later, at home, M made him tortellini with chicken following my directions inspired by S's descriptions of her new tortellini dishes, and I started putting the small dishes and containers side by side in the lunch bag making a complete lunch for my A. It was so much fun doing that all, I was excited but could not stop worrying in my heart. How was he going to receive the new place? Was he going to be able to make new friends on the first day? Was he going to like his new teacher?
I hesitated as much as I could in the morning but he didn't wake up before I left. I just kissed him in his sleep and wished him a nice day. Later, talking with M, I found out that when he had left him, A had cried a little which broke my heart. I called the new school at lunch time and the director assured me that he was doing fine resting with the rest of the kids after lunch and he was even talking with the rest of the kids.
After much contemplation I decided to not to go to my Economics class in the city after work and come home instead to make him Ghorme Sabzi as M suggested, his favorite Persian dish, and to go having ice cream to celebrate his new PreK after dinner, as Mr E suggested. I was home before it was even 5PM; had been a while I had not been home that early. And by the time I had every thing in the pots it was just 5:10 PM. Eventually at 5:20PM the door sprung open and my little dinosaur rushed inside. When he calmed down he himself told me that he had cried when daddy had left; I asked if he felt lonely but he said he had missed us! And he completed that soon after he did not miss us any more: "And I am happy now". He was excited that the new PreK has a two-seated bike and he was holding to the handles to stir while riding it. I concluded he had made at least one friend to ride the two-seated bike with so asked whom he had shared the bike with to which he responded "my new friend" proudly! Oh was I proud! He didn't tell me the new friend's name which was fine, but he explained how his new teacher, Ms Jennifer, had drawn a dolphin on his hand as the circle time was about sea animals.
I feel like a proud, worried, happy, accomplished, heart broken, excited mommy... My A is growing up.

faith

I have been walking on the big earth of God observing life and having faith, or rather repeating to myself to have faith!

It has been proven to me, several times already, that the universe is really in harmony with your desires or may be vice versa. Whichever it is, it feels calming to think it is guided and meant to be. Feeling in harmony may actually be having faith.

Back to California

We got back home Monday evening after 11 days of vacation.

I loved Barcelona. I can walk in the narrow allies for days and days and I bet I will find something new. People had this positive vibe that was very nice to delve into. The weather was warm and nice, the sun was friendly, and the water was so welcoming.

London was fine. Honestly not my kind of city, I found people being there just to be there, not so much excitement about London Bridge or Buckingham Palace I felt. I hardly could tolerate the London Tube as it was deeply under the ground and hot, I could suffocate in there just by thinking about it so I had to deviate my mind from it all purposefully.

But I LOVED reuniting with friends. It was so nice, so comforting, so pure as it was back in high school. Gosh I love my friends and I miss them dearly.

A was a great traveller. The highlight of his trip in Barcelona was the Metro ride. He got to visit the pilot on the place ride back from Barcelona to London and was very excited about it. He also loved the conductors in the train rides in London area.

I found 160 unread emails in my mailbox. I have an Economics assignments due on Sat I have not typed a word for. We are moving in the end of July. I need to visit A's new preschools and schedule his annual check up. Forget about the need to visit my hairdresser and checking my personal emails (apologies to my reader friends who have emailed me in the past couple weeks and gotten no response yet). Add the jet lag to it all. So I am pretty swamped but hey, I wont sweat it ;)

I have been sitting in the Starbucks since 6 AM checking my emails. I am done with reviewing the emails up till yesterday, flagged a bunch to act upon them when I get to the office.

I have started reading this book "Blink", by Malcolm Gladwell. Very exciting read.

And life goes on :)

Parenting

It is the toughest task I have ever been tasked with. Why you may ask. Because I have no clue! :) I am aiming at a target that I cannot see. It is fun actually, adventurous.

I am reading this book: Raising resilient children and I love the book. It is not only about kids, it is indeed about relationships.

A does not sleep in his room through the night any more. Last night he woke me up again around 3 AM. Asked for water; his usual clue that ends with his request for me to sleep in his room. I said I would stay with him briefly and then I suggested him to take baby Alex, his small stuffed lion animal, to his bed and try to tuck him to sleep. He accepted, took the stuffed animal with him to his bed and hugged him under his blanket. He slept the rest of the night. And in the morning he ran to our bedroom with baby Alex. I consider that a success.

Later in the day my dad called and I told him the story. He said "good for you" with an encouraging voice and analyzed, as he does always, how this action was positive from different angles. What was interesting was the sense of self satisfaction his encouragement provided me! A mother, who apparently is still seeking her parents' approval, even in her parenting role!

Yoga

During the past four weeks I have not been going to the gym like I used to. At nights, when it was my gym time, I was too drained to drag myself to exercise in the cardio mode. In the same duration I got sick twice. So I was tired, and weak. Something was seriously wrong. I needed to change some thing. I just had to figure out what it was.
Last week, after four years, I resumed yoga. I was awefully sick but I needed some activity, as if to prove to myself that I still could. So I found the Power Yoga program on TV and followed the command. How I had forgotten the heat in my body along side the relaxing sensation of yoga!

One Month Anniversary in Marketing

Yesterday afternoon, leaving work, I turned back, looked at my desk, and smiled with relief, a sense of accomplishment. I survived a month!
It was a very exciting month. I had to delve in to the depth of a problem from day one. I also had training and other deliverable demanded by other departments with strict due dates to meet. I dropped the ball a couple times which is so unlike me and made me criticize myself more than I should. Yet I did it all. So I am so hopeful for the second month to come. I think I have better hold of this all. My manager, although absent half of this past month for different reasons, has been really supportive and really encouraging.
I am now juggling this new role with my family and a new masters and a new home. We bought a tiny little house in a cole de sac one block away from a well ranked elementary school at the southern western point of San Jose. What I love about the house is that it has a third bedroom I call "the guest room". I am so excited to have stay over guests from now on who can enjoy the comfort at Chez Midnight! That does not apply to this trip of my dear S this time, they need to share the room with A again as we wont move until another month or so.
I have missed watching a nice movie. A very very very nice movie, the kind that engages your mind for some time.
I told A I liked it when it got dark. He said he liked it when it got light and we turned the lights off. I liked that he had such a defined opinion about his liking.
And the second month in marketing begins...

The sweetest thing ever

A said tonight that he was glad I was his mom!

To all the brave women in my life

It was mother's/women's day in Iran today.
It is hard to believe that the girls of yesterday, that I was one, are the women of today. There is something truly magical though about shedding the girlish shell and growing to glow as a woman.
In my life, there has been, and are, several brave women who are very well aware of who they are; those who are not afraid to change their mind, who are not afraid of being ahead of their time, who can smile at any hardship in life and keep cool but can get totally animated too; changing the course of hardship. Those women who have been for me no matter what. I am proud of you all! Best on your day, and every day!

A perfect family

I wonder, what makes a perfect family? Pick your choices:

A couple
A man and a woman
A son
A daughter
A son and a daughter
Two sons
Two daughters
Three or more kids (any combination of sons and daughters)
An apartment
A house
A wealthy father
A working mother
A non-working mother
Home made dinner every night
Family dinners
Smiling members
"Thanks you" and "Please" keywords
A couple family members fluent with musical instrument
A family spiritual ritual
Guests over every weekend
Outings every weekend
Active family with lots of planned outdoors and regular sporting activities
All homework done in the first hour after school
Family vacations twice a year
Friends and family reunion every other year

May be add a few other lines, pick other choices. Done?

Now, I think, socially speaking, most combination of the above choices make a perfect family. Parents, kids, shelter, sport, music, spirituality. Any body cares about love?

Socially speaking, I don't think so. I find that the society is a very narrow minded and cruel judge when looking at itself. To the society there are only two categories and it judges every thing in either of the two: good or bad. A good society is consisted of good families in which there are kids who are educated and who are attended to by participating in different activities and socially grown by visiting families and friends. At this point the society closes its eyes, doesn't want to know any more. Good is good. Any thing that is not good is bad. There are no shades of good or shades of bad.

Now, what is love really?

To me, it is all about look, how you look at each other and what you see when you look.

Society doesn't like to look at its eyes. Society just likes to feel complete and for its completeness there are no eyes required, just smiles.

Songs Yesterday

I was listening to radio, then change the channel, then switched to CD, then changed the CD. Finally gave in; let is sing, let it sing to me.
It was getting dark, the navy blue sky, the lights, the occasional cars driving by, the chill of the dark.
I was driving at the dark of the night in my car listening to music. Such a simple statement seemed very remote 13 years ago. On those days I used to fantasize driving my car in the dark of the night listening to music; such a scene seems like a routine reality of these days. But then there is a reality in fantasy, a fantasy that by definition can never be real: hope!

Those days, the song itself was a fantasy.

For AZ

I recommended the movie to her; she ordered it and got it and watched it and liked it and thought about it. I look forward to sit down with her and discuss the movie over another cup of coffee in another local cafe somewhere. So like to read her recommended book: "Eat Play Love". SF knew us both very well to try to put us in touch. I owe her a true thank you.

I found this interview on the YouTube which is absolutely not recommended to those who have not watched the movie: "Revolutionary Road". I love these two acter and actress; not only because they are truly handsome and beautiful but because they seem like truly beautiful individuals to me. They are both in the same age range as I am and I see them growing old with me and my generation. I found them really growing to be more mature despite the deceitful fame. Kate Winslet especially catches my attention, how she was this bold girl who has grown to be this confident woman, comfortable with her body and look. Here is the interview:

Four Years

Four years ago at such a night we were all still in the post labor ward. Arman was not even one day old yet. I was drained but happy. M was drained and drained. A was... hungry?

Well, today that tiny baby who didn't know how to feed himself to survive demanded for a dinosaur cake, cut his cake himself, and shared the goody bags among his classmates at preschool. Gosh was I happy!