Time

The last thing on my agenda was blogging tonight, yet here I am, blogging!
I left work in the middle of the afternoon feeling sick. I think I was just too drained.
I bitterly realized again that there are certain scars made in relationships, of any kind, that are just never healing. Time will pass and I may forget about it but it wont heal, ever. As it was said in the movie we were watching last night, "The proverb is wrong. Time does not heal all wounds. It merely softens the pain and blurs the memories."
A few big pieces are not in place and a change is needed; the change needs energy, a momentum to begin with, and I feel too weak to take care of it. That is fine though; There is a time to be powerful and there is a time to be weak. This is the weak cycle for me. And it just gets more beautiful with my midterm paper due tomorrow before midnight!
On Friday I met the dudes again to hash out our midterm paper topics and fill in as much as possible. I was sure they had figured the whole thing out thinking they only had one or two courses and their water polo/swimming practices with no family or job and I should be the one who knew the least. Ten minutes into our meeting I realized they had practically done nothing. I shared my findings and pointed out references to them. On Sat I sent them my part of the paper and till now there is only one paragraph added to the paper by them. I am thinking I may need to finish the whole thing myself.
I made celery stew for dinner. Chopping crisp celery stalks was really soothing, like popping plastic bubbles.
A makes me laugh a lot lately; his careless imaginations and his funny observations are just hilarious and refreshing. I hope he stocks on these pain free days!

13- conversations

Eyes
A has the darkest eyes and he knows
When he was sleepy I always pointed out that his eyes were sleepy "vaghti cheshmaat pore khaabe be che range..."; now instead of announcing that he is tired or sleepy he claims that his eyes are "filled with sleep"!
Thursday is the day
Every thing has been done on Thursdays, and every thing will be done on Thursdays!
Universe
At night we were driving, he asked where the sun was, and to the answer "on the other side of the planet" his question followed "where is the other side of the planet?"
Blue is the color
A is prettending to drive to Safeway on his toy truck: "I am going to buy us milk". Me: "Great! Please buy us a few potato too" -"OK! I'll buy blue potato"
I pointed that his p-e-e was yellow, he confirmed: "yeah, it is not blue!"
Books
Eric Carle's THE VERY quartet: "The very hungry caterpillar" (thanks to LM and MM for introducing it to A and us) about hope; "The very busy spider" about work; "The very quiet cricket" about love; "The very lonely firefly" about belonging
A and M went to the library together and read Eric Carle's works and borrowed a few
A was so excited after that
A recites books the sweetest way; telling the whole story with such joy every time, looking at the words as if he is really reading them
Dad
I think M is the best father ever!

Untamably B.L.U.N.T.

• Had not heard from him for ages, got a message today "yours truly"
• Never try to decode my code
• She has missed me so much she cried
• He thinks if she was not who she is he was the happiest man
• She, the architect, is going back to school to learn German language
• He read me the poem he had written thirteen years ago
• She covered her wall with pictures of one boy: her son
• 30+/-3-year-olds have gone strangely strange
• The above statement is fueling new words in my head
• She licked the ice cream made of the wildest berries
• She thinks it is the spring smell
• She loves the smell of orange blossoms
• He writes
• She believes it is the number 30
• She cannot resist the odor of pepper and sandal wood
• She took a picture of her wildest look
• She became a human right activist, got hurt several times, still persisting
• She found the greatest pleasure in her life doing what people said she could not do
• He started his new business doing what we were not taught at school
• She scared a cat running, a dog scared her; She thinks the universe can claim harmony
• U are the sacred secrete she'd never write about

Running the Ocean

The sky is dark navy yet bright; the way it is right at midnight. The heat of the day is still raising from the sand. The ocean is dark, appears white here and there. She is looking into the deep horizon right where white ocean waves are crashing into the night sky. The smell of the seaweed and seawater make her wanting to breathe deeper and longer.
She tightens the straps of her white shoes and starts running on the beach. She never knows the next elevation at which her foot would land, the beach is always unpredictable, exciting, anticipatable.
There are tones of stars in the sky.
She heads towards the paved road that runs by the beach and continues running. The wind in her short hair, her ever present running partner, is soothing. She starts hearing her breath and soon feeling the pulse in the veins of her calves. She subconsciously speeds up; she is so fast she can feel her knees in the air. She slows down smiling, turns back and stars running backwards the whole duration of the song she is listening to: "Telling myself it is not as hard hard hard as it seems"
She drops the white earphones on the beach. The ocean water feels cold on her hot sweating skin.

Lost and Found

I decided not to take my cell phone to the park; not really intentionally, I like staying in touch; however, it was in charge and I wanted to leave the house. So I left it at home and headed to the park with A. We played a little bit until A decided he wanted to walk by the creek that runs behind the park and leads to a bridge he likes a lot. Off we went on the trail.
It was a windy afternoon but not as windy as past few days. There were apartments that faced the creek, walking by them we heard the jingling sound of a wind chimer which we soon located on a third floor balcony. A announced that it should have been RN's place! I was fascinated by his conclusion; a few weeks ago we were at RN's place where A went to the balcony and got carried up to play with the chimer. I would never imagine he had remembered! So I decided I needed to call RN and let her know how impressed A was with the experience but I did not have my cell phone.
We got to the bridge and walked to the other side. I felt like having ice cream badly and I suggested that to A which he passed. Later though, after walking far enough from the bridge and being completely satisfied with imitation of being a train he asked if he could have a blue scoop. I affirmed he could. I thought to call M so we could all go to Cold Stone; but of course, I did not have my cell phone with me.
We started heading back towards the park and where I had parked my car that I heard a sobbing sound. There was a young boy of age 5 or 6 riding his bike towards us. I thought I was mistaken but as he got closer I got sure it was him sobbing in fear. When he approached I asked if any thing was wrong. Quite predictively he said he was lost. I tried to calm him down, introduced myself and A and asked of his name. Then asked were he had last seen his parents which was at the park. So I suggested we should go back but he was sure he did not want to go back and that his father was going the opposite direction of the park. So I asked if he knew of his dad's cell phone number and he claimed he did. Well, I did not have a cell phone to call him! That was an amazing day to go without one!
A guy was approaching with a little kid so I thought he should be cooperative. I walked towards him and explained the situation and asked if he could call the number Lewis, the lost boy, had memorized as his dad's cell. So the guy called the dad but he said he did not know how to talk to the dad! So I grabbed the phone and asked if he had a lost boy to which he answered his son should have been at the park with his mom; then I asked what the name of the son was and he said Lewis. Bingo! I said he is with me and I am walking him back to the park and the dad said he would be there in five minutes.
Surprisingly, on the way back, M joined us! He knew I did not have my cell with me and calling me and getting no response he was sure we were still at the park and if not there on the trail. Seems like I don't need a cell phone to get in touch with him!
Soon Lewis located his dad riding towards us. A family reunion. And off we went to Cold Stone.

A Saturday Noon

A was cajoling M to play with him. I was busy in the kitchen preparing lunch, putting the salmon in the oven, the corns in the pot, and laying three plates on the counter with lettuce and cherry tomatoes and olive waiting for the main courses to join them. When I was done with preparation it was my turn to play with A and he was not in his best mood. He was demanding for every thing to go his way knowing that he was the prince in our castle. We were pushing fire trucks to put down some imaginary fires. He would announce when the imaginary street light turned green or the arrow was red and I had to wait for the green light. He had placed a gate too in front of the door to his room and he was the gate keeper to let the truck move in and out. Pushing the truck around the house a couple times it was getting a bit boring, plus my mind was still searching for the sound and lyrics of the song “Rawhide”. I was sure I had heard the song, I was sure my dad had it in one of his western song cassettes being a fan himself. I even remembered how the song shouted Rawhide but not much else. In the mean time the phone rang and it was my mom. I was freed from the play, rushing to the bedroom with my lap top on my lap sitting on the bed and listening to my mom on the phone. I started searching for the song while she talked and I found a promising link in youtube. The conversation was over and it seemed calm outside: A playing by himself and M on the computer. So I played the link I had found and that was it! I watched it a couple times; I found the lyrics too and started singing with the song a couple times. The tune was so uplifting that A decided to join me in the room. I was lying on my tummy now diagonally working on the lap top and he climbed on my back, a scary move now that we are practicing potty training with him. But I put up with it. Soon though it was A demanding for “nollin’” (I guess that is what he heard) again and again and started jumping on the bed claiming he was dancing, he liked the “hah” part of the song and so did I. We sang together now and I was truly enjoying his dance laughing happily. Soon it was time to attend to the salmon yet he was not ready to quit the dancing. So I suggested we would go to the living room with my lap top while I could take care of the lunch. In the living room he wanted me to join him in the dance and of course I did especially now that he was my partner in my occasional evening dances; M never was much into it, although it was him giving me the "dance me to the end of love" album as a gift long ago. Soon though M joined us too and it became a three partnered dance while the house smelled like roasted salmon.

Enjoy this link! (caution: occasional violent scenes; the song is still good)



Check this one out too. Sometimes you find tranquility where you least expect it...

The Kids

I went to Stanford in the late afternoon to meet with my new prof on the subject of my paper. This was the second week of classes and I was not prepared at all, as a matter of fact I had learned about the subject of my project just yesterday which was chosen for me because I had not responded on time and the subject was awful; thankfully though I could change it to a more appropriate one communicating with the TA yesterday. She suggested I worked with a team of two that were going to work on one of the subjects I was interested in and I was happy to. She introduced the team via e-mail: CA and RM. I e-mailed them today telling them about myself a little; CA responded and suggested he would call me at 6PM to discuss some crucial matters.
I picked up A after work and dropping him off at M’s office. How excited he was to go to daddy’s work place, waving bye bye happily! And I knew he would spend most of the time in the conference room, drawing on the white board with at least four different colors of markers.
So I arrived at Stanford. I like the fresh spirit at school. The young folks walking and biking and skate boarding as if are living in a palace over the clouds. The college years are the years of crazy ideas, crazy kids believing they know every thing, smitten kids, and I am talking from experience ...
I had to find the Terman Engineering Center building where Prof’s office was. Based on Google map I knew I was close, I parked my car by a courtyard and got off wandering around to find the building. There were a few young girls and boys skate boarding on the courtyard that was connected to a lower court by a couple of steps. There was a girl sitting on the most right side of the step in the direction I was approaching them, she was looking another way. I said “excuse me” and I continued as she turned my way “do you know where Terman building is?” Now she was looking in my eyes and I was deeply engaged with her bluish grayish green eyes; it took me a fraction of second to comprehend she had said she had no clue.
I walked by another lady and asked, she did not know either, and suddenly another kid approached happily “do you need help?” I asked about the building on Palama Mall. She explained she never paid attention to street names riding her bike and that she did not know of the building and asked if I had a map. This time I smiled at her, a kind of “of course not” smile! A young boy and girl came our way when the happy girl shouted “Dude! Do you know where Terman Eng is?”. He paused and turned his torso all the way and pointed a direction about my 1 O’clock “it is that way” somewhere over a few buildings in front of me. I pointed towards my 1 O’clock and exclaimed “so I should just walk that way?” as if I could fly over the buildings! I just nodded and smiled reminding myself that they were just kids, the way GC would say. I walked towards my 12 O’clock. Another “dude” was coming my way and I realized after I asked to be excused that he was listening to some thing with earphones in his ears. Very politely though he took them out and listened to my question. Then turned around and kindly walked with me a few feet until I could see the building and left me at that point. I thanked him, walked to the building, went upstairs to the 3rd floor, and spotted another “dude” while looking for room 344. “Are you here to talk to Jan?” he asked me with a smile on his face referring to the Prof as “Jan”! I confirmed I was. He showed me a corridor “that way” and left. I wanted to ask what the meeting was about, I had no clue. Yet he was already gone.
I arrived at 344. It was not 6 PM yet. Jan, the Prof, was sitting in his office with the door open, talking on the phone. I thought it must have been a meeting with another group being conducted as a tele meeting. I continued to the end of the corridor standing by a tall window watching outside when my cell phone rang. It was CA. He said he was coming to the building and claimed he was gray about the whole paper thing as well. While on the phone I spotted a “dude” walking towards the building also talking on his cell and thought it must be him.
I like the first encounters, a mysterious experiment and yet not risky at all. There is a lot you may learn the first time you meet a person. He was a shy yet talkative kind of person knowledgeable and passionate about his job offer in a consulting company for medical devices. He was a senior student in human biology finishing his last quarter. The course I am taking, Technology Assessment and Regulations of Medical Devices, is a graduate course at Management Science and Engineering department and the senior students are also entitled to attend the class. We talked about the course a little and how I liked the previous courses I had taken and that I was working on neurovascular devices and that he liked this subject. He said he knew RM, the other "dude" in the team, because he was in the Water Polo team and CA was in the swimming team. I was amazed and I told him I was a swimming champion at college too. He said his dad encouraged him to take the course being a maxillofacial surgeon and I exclaimed my parents were dentists. He said he was glad that their team had an experienced person, referring to me ;) After a few minutes of brief but informative chit chat RM appeared, we introduced ourselves but I have nothing much to say about him except that he was more of a silent kind of person, at lease at the first encounter.
It was 6:10 PM or so when Jan came to the door welcoming us inside. He said we were his last appointment that day.
Surprisingly, not knowing about the disease state of our subject I could still carry a conversation mainly about the regulatory requirement and market assessment strategy. I had talked long enough when Jan with his Austrian?./Dutch?/German? accent asked: “I have a very heavy accent myself but I can detect a little accent in you too, where are you from originally?” I smiled “yes, I do have an accent, and I am originally from Iran”. Talking about accent reminded me of Nathan, an Engineer in Trainee I worked with during my last weeks at Canspec who reminded me of Ethan Hawk, a taller and blonder version. The first time John introduced him and left he asked if I was from South America (I get that sort of comment every one out of three times I meet some one new) he thought I had that sort of accent. A couple weeks later we went for an out of town job, a project of mine that I was training Nathan to carry along, staying at a hotel for a couple nights in Barrie. As oppose to me he didn't want to spend the whole nights resting. This project was in a tough job environment: a cement company with a very large lot; we had to walk a lot all day in such dirty place. I used to cover my whole body going there, literally: overall and scarf and safety hat and ear plugs and goggles and mask and boots, yet coming back I had to take a shower immediately to take out cement even from my ears! But he did not stay put after works and after dinner the first night we stayed up talking for good part of the evening, he said he loved Spanish accent and he wanted to go to South America to meet a girl with accent! He also claimed being interested to learn Farsi and he wanted to hear me talking Farsi -which is very hard to do if there is no specifics to talk about. He was really insisting though, looking around the first word that came to my mind was “yakhchal”, not the best word for a beginner I know! Still he practiced a few times, he was not a bad student. We lost touch though and I am not sure if he did marry a girl with Spanish accent or even if he married at all, I left Canspec to AECL and I knew he was going to join the Vancouver branch a few months after.
The team, the project subject, and the prof all seem very exciting. Jan was amazingly attentive, which reminded me how a supervisor should really be. He responded our questions very kindly directing us to bring us to a brighter understanding of the requirements of the course project and paper, showed us a couple tricks and when we were running out of time he was concerned if he was keeping us!! He was a supervisor who was passionate about the performance of his students himself.

politics

It is really difficult to stand behind the podium and talk politics. You should be sure about your opinion (and as far as I am concerned, politics is mainly based on opinions), you should be too quick in choosing the best words, and you should speak so confidently as if you are the master of the whole world.
Last night, we were listening to George Galloway's talk. His opinions were very interesting, different, sometimes even similar to mine; but what was really amusing was his tone, his words, every nuance in his voice. I have met a person just like that. He chooses the best words at each occasion, his voice always calm and still very strong. I think this is a trait rarely found, a talent, and it is a blessing to listen to such person.
I am going to have one of the toughest discussions I ever had in a couple of days explaining a very weird situation. This is how I am so vigilant about words and opinions and expressions lately. I need to be focused. I need a few guidelines, and last night, amazingly, I was looking for a management book in the house and I found none! I am very interested in people management and yet I have no single book on the subject. I was shocked at myself!

In the Hide of the Mountain

I arrive. I am in the round cottage on the top of the mountain, sitting on the floor in the lotus pose thankfully at the presence of the most content people I was so yearning to meet again. The roof has a circlular window to the sky, the stars so close. I can smell the earth. There is a candle burning on the other side of the room. I close my eyes and breathe the presence. Then I wish to pray. The first person in my mind is my lovely Sani, then ... I feel the warmth of my tears on my lips. I love the silent weeping of my heart in the pure presence. And I pray.
All is so purely heartwarming, greatly calming. I am thinking how tiny and invisible my problems truly are. How drossy the ego!
It is time to drive back. It is midnight. I turn on my cellphone and put it back in my purse. There is no reception in the mountain, am I waiting for a call? Really I am longing, patiently and unconditionally.
I am sitting in the back by myself and I like it. I lay on the back sit. The stars in the sky are vanishing as we drive towards the highway. I want to hold on to all the starry moments I just experienced.
We drive a little more and then I hear the beeping sound of my cell. I don't need to take my cellphone out of hide to know about the msg/txt, I know. I was heard.