Goodbye Maternity Leave

This was the last week of my maternity leave. I am going to resume work after just 13.5 weeks outside the job on Monday, enshala. My little angel will be only 12 weeks young when I resume work.

It was a tough week:

First my mom left forcing me to adjust to managing my new life by myself, and then I heard that my supportive boss was resigning. It feels like a complex time for him to leave, exactly when I am coming back to work after several weeks.  My nanny started working this week which added the stress of managing and training her. It was really rough and frankly overwhelming at times.

But then, a God-sent gift: my cousin arrived from New York.

She is a lovely and smart person. She is a few years younger than me and has been in the US practically her whole life. I take pride in her, watching her grow from afar and becoming this successful independent young lady with a very kind soul.

I'm thankful for her visit, being here exactly when I needed her moral support. She listened to me and my dreams and my worries genuinely and then lift my spirit by all her kind words counting my strengths and boosting my confidence.  God bless you my dear cousin!

Now I am trying to resume my trust, in the universe and its intents. Stepping into the new unknown. Excited and I know I can do it, enshala. And I surely miss my 12 months of maternity leave in Canada.

Feeling Like A Couple Again After the Kids

M and I got to spend a solid four hours together today. It feels good!

At Monterey today, my dear mom took A to the Monterey Bay Aquarium for a few hours. M and I passed lest with the little angel our time would be spent attending to her. Instead, we walked the Cannery Row for a few times.

We started the walk chatting about a couple hurts, acknowledging them and clearing our minds for only 5 minutes or so.  Then we strolled around; window shopped a bit, tried some sea salt taffies, had a marvelous Cappuccino at the Happy Girl's Kitchen, and bought a couple souvenirs.  After a few hours I realized we had not talked about A, had attended to the baby only a couple times, and mostly had spent our time being together; we were simply a couple again.  It felt as if we hadn't had such time for a long long time and suddenly it felt really refreshing.

Funnily as soon as we united with my dear mom and A all the cajoling and A talking resumed. That made the past few hours as a couple even bolder, more precious.  I feel charged up for a while now. Feels great actually!

The Real Taste or the Taste of Real

Suddenly I had both kids kind of sick. The little angel had her two-month-check-up and had to take a slew of vaccines which made her completely drowsy for about 6 hours. Then when I picked up A from school I realized he was not his usual self either. He said he had not eaten nor did he play at lunch, because he missed us he said. But I knew there was something wrong with his well being.

At home I monitored both kids for a few hours regularly and thank God neither developed fever. They just remained drowsy and energy less.

While laying lazily on the couch, A asked for the same soup I had made him last time he was sick. And so I did. Then I decided to bring down the big bulky juicer and make him some "fresh" apple juice. The kind that always reminded me of my childhood when my mom made us fresh juice. The kind with a natural froth that made mustaches for us. I felt delighted to make fresh juice for A actually.

After he took a sip he put the apple juice aside. He claimed that it didn't taste like the ones from store! So he didn't like it!!

Ah! My broken heart.

I said "yes honey. It doesn't taste like the store-bought juice. It's "fresh"!"

How to be a Perfect Mother

"I know she loves me because she kisses me every time she leaves the house". This is what A wrote in the card he made for me at school for the Mother's Day this past May.  Interestingly, despite the nagging feeling of guilt, "leaving the house" wasn't of any guilt-worthy thought in him.  More interestingly, I know I kiss him every time I leave him because of me, not because of him really.

Talking to A today about simple subjects of the day, I realized, despite the imperfect nature I naturally possess, what radiates the perfect love to my kids is being "present" with my loving them. To simply love them for me, in my own way. To really see them, hear them, feel them, and cherish it all in my heart. To really watch A when he tells me that he swam in the 8 feet section of the pool today, to see my little angel when she eagerly suckles the milk, to simply listen to A when he tells me about his day dreams, to eagerly memorize the cooing noise the little princess makes.  To be with them when I am with them.  They feel it!

Moreover, it is the quality of life I live and they witness that is keenly obvious  to them, that they will remember when they think of their childhood later in life. As Alison Tate wrote in Huffington Post blog, "What our children will remember about us is how we lived our lives, how we worked, what we loved, and how we shared that love". http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-tate/the-best-of-mothers_b_3764947.html

I hope to, and pray to God to help me, be present in my life and in my loving my kids. I strive to really give them my full attention every moment I spend with them. I endeavor to "be".  I think this is the main and simple and most innate way to prove my love to my kids. I hope they attest to my love for them when they think of me for all the Mother's Days to come, whether or not I am with them.

Happy Wet Feet

By The Pacific Ocean

November 2007

By The Pacific Ocean

August 2013

He is growing too fast.

A Midnight Mocha

A late night hot dark chocolate added to an earthy South African coffee with extra foam, listening to the sound of waves crashing on the beach.

It feels safe and serene; kids tucked in their beds in the rooms not far from the porch. He is not too far either, just fast asleep drifting in his lala land.  His skin is hot and smooth covering his manly limbs.

She doesn't mind staying up the whole night, watching the midnight sky, listening to the ocean, and writing in her notebook.

Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted to travel far and explore wide. She started from Barcelona.

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Loving the Emptied Bump

I just realized how hard I was to and how thankful I am for this empty bump. And I owe it to Grace.

I attended a Yoga for Moms class the other night. I invited my mother to go with me.  After a long time I got to leave home sans bebe for two full hours and frankly, it was a blessing by itself.  I missed my babies dearly by the time I was driving back home while I left anxiously yet happily the second my car was off the driveway.

I hadn't practiced yoga for a good 9 weeks.  The last time I went to a prenatal yoga class I was so big I couldn't see my toes and my chest didn't have much room to breathe.  It was good to be allowed to do some moves laying on my belly after a long while.

It was particularly great that everyone there were moms: tired, worried, grateful, overwhelmed, open, and needing the company of others, and needing to focus on their body for an hour or so.

It was a blessing to have Grace as our instructor. It was the first time I met her but I could tell she was a genuinely graceful person from the way she welcomed me and my mother to her class.  She was considerate and focused.  It was indeed a nice yoga practice through her guidance.

Then something unexpected happened: during the savasana, the end meditation session, she asked all to put one hand on their heart and one on their belly and feel the breath laying down on their back. So far the routin. Then after a few moments she asked the moms who recently had given birth to put both hands on their belly and give thanks to the empty space housing our babies for 9 months. She brought our attention to this void, noted how we carried our babies in this space the same way our mothers carried us and how their mothers carried them. How this lineage went back in time.

Feeling the empty bump, I found tears coming down my cheeks; I felt like really crying. I was oblivious to this seemingly obvious fact let alone being thankful for it.

Now, I am thankful to this emptied bump!

Namaste!

Mothering Two - And the Reality Hits

I am the mother of two.

I suddenly feel very grounded.  Tethered even?

Interestingly M has a similar feeling.

In fact it hit me the other day, watching M holding the little angle in his arms and cajoling with A on a matter. Arms full. Mouth full of words. Attention too focused.  It was intense to watch.

I suddenly find hardly any time for me, any time for the house, any time to think or concern about others I so dearly care for.  Any time to read.

It took me forty some days to get to this conclusion. May be it was not as intense earlier. May be I was most focused on one thing: the little angel, and not A as much, let alone the house and other matters. But now, with the new school year approaching, all the programming for his extra curricular activities and shopping for school and wondering about his new teacher and classmates suddenly hit hard, in addition to all things baby and the untidy house and missed calls.

For any simple outing I have to pack two bags now and I have to remember everything yet I will forget something.  The last thing I think about is me.

Knowing me, it will become a routine soon, I have no doubt, to pack two bags and not forget anything I mean. Yet, I wonder if I will ever be able to think about me again, all my dreams, all the new and old  places I like to visit, all the people I wish to be with.

Frankly, I can't think about it too hard right now. I better get ready for this Saturday's outing while the little one is taking a nap lest I will miss the short window of opportunity.  As Scarlet O'Hara would say, I will think about it tomorrow (so unlike me)...

Note from A Woman With A Bump: The Remaining Bump

I have been thinking, wondering how my body looked and felt before I got pregnant for the first time.  I do not remember much.  What I do remember is how I was critical toward it, not much appreciative or pleased with it, not much enjoying it.  Now that body is gone for ever.
Getting pregnant has taken my body through a tremendous journey of changes.  The most drastic change since puberty for sure.  Looking back, I realize that I did not cherish my body through puberty.  I was not feeling comfortable with the changes; so I just closed my eyes on it. Now I fantasize about the memory of it, yearn it, perhaps even mourn it sometimes.
Then, while still ignorant and critical, suddenly pregnancy happened.
Getting pregnant makes the body femininely beautiful.  The glowing skin, the undoubtedly growing belly that houses a precious new being.  It is mysterious.  The body is the center of attention during pregnancy as soon as it starts to show.  There was absolutely no urge, may be for the first time since puberty, to look thin.  It was surprisingly enjoyable to change clothing to the larger sizes.
Yet, after the delivery and when the body was drained of all the excessive liquids, it was left with an empty, loose, sagging, fat tummy.  An aching body incapable of many of the movements it could endure before pregnancy.  A hunching shoulder under the pressures of nursing.
There was not much I could do about all the changes.  I was taken through the journey.  It feels as if I had lost control over it all.  It seems as if I am left with a useless wardrobe and no desire to spend on new larger size cloths.
Now my body and physical appearance are in the baby's shadow, or so I wish!  An acquaintance of mine who had not seen me for a year or so told me the other day "oh my dear! you look fat!"  I sometimes feel I am struggling.  I cannot afford looking like this for ever.  This lost control insults my willpower.  I am losing weight and little by little getting back to some of my baggier yet tegular cloths; yet it is funny how that growing body was gaining more attention than this thinning body.  There are friends (and celebrities) who claim to have lost the "baby fat" in three weeks!  Boasting their bodies in tight pants and fitting dresses carrying the few months old baby.  It feels as if there exists a subliminal competition match.  All the pressure!

Looking fit is not all trend, indeed it is maintaining a healthy body to allow cajoling with all the responsibilities of motherhood.  I have not resumed my regular exercises so there is hope.  And of course I wont ever trade a hair of either of my kids for a pre-pregnancy body.  But oh!  Do I wonder!

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Sleeping for A New Mom

Broken nights. That's what I get. Usually a couple hours at the beginning of the night, which starts around 1 AM. And then just an hour or so here and there with waken hours in between.
I feel tired! I really hope to sleep for 5-6 hours straight once. Since the last months of pregnancy I haven't been able to sleep much.
I see two big black circles under my eyes now, the patches of motherhood I suppose.
A friend suggested to let my mom take care of the baby for a night with pumped milk. But I couldn't convince myself. Not to burden my mom, but more importantly not to lose the connection with my baby girl for a whole night. She just turned one month after all.
May be I'm not thinking clearly with all the sleeplessness. Point is, it won't last for ever. Soon I will forget all about all these.

Notes from A Woman With A Bump: Calming A Fussy Baby

Our little angle has started going through episodes of u settled cries every night. It starts around 9pm and lasts for 3 to 4 hours every night. The most calming yet temporary method thus far has been having her nursed. Then again she would start veiling and there is no calming down until next nursing when she would be kicking and screaming as if something is awfully wrong with her stomach.
Colic? May be.
Here are the methods we have tried thus far:
1) nursing - works but for a short period of time
2) walking her - hardly works
3) singing to her - hardly works - it works during the day though when she is up to listening
4) stomach drops - we have tried one: Remedies for Little Tummies - the active ingredient is Simeticone and available in other commercial brands. She seems to like the taste of it, and seems to be calmed but not enough
5) white noise - this has proven to be the most effective one - we have tried putting her close to a working dish washing machine or washer and drier; they all worked.  We also tried the white noises available on You Tube.  The static noise was the least effective, the noise of a moving fan worked some, but the noise of heavy rainfall was magic! It was effective as soon as it got started to the extend that I got worried! It lasts for about half hour and then she wanted to be nursed again but calmly and with no protest.
6) rocking/swinging - this woke before she becomes too fussy or when she is already drowsy for sleep.
So give these a try, of course # 4 after counseling with your pediatrician. And good luck with calming your crying baby! Let me know if you know of other effective remedies.

Notes from A Woman with A Bump: Delivery Anxiety

I feel scared of delivery.
I was not feeling a tiny bit anxious when I was pregnant with A. I was tired I remember, and heavy and uncomfortable. But I was looking forward to my contractions ever so calmly.
This time however, in the past few nights, I have started feeling too anxious I feel hyper ventilated. I need to get up and walk ... thinking of my favorite things not to think about this.
I feel suffocated.
What if the baby is pressing in my lungs while I need to breathe the most?
What if my stomach can't tolerate the pain and I have even more acid reflux blocking my esophageal and ultimately my breathing canal?
What if she starts moving too much pressing on my organs and give me more pain?
What if I can't breathe?
I have been trying to think about my body as a separate entity from "I". That helps to calm my nerves but what if I forget about this when I'm in labor?
What if I tear? Get completely damaged?
I try to think how much I love this baby girl and want to meet her.  But I feel scared of what she can do to my body during delivery.
I try to practice meditation, pray, and being present but what if I forget all that?
What if I die during labor after enduring so much agony and pain?
...
So, today I went to the library and grabbed several pregnancy and labor books. Opened them all to delivery and labor session and read them all, in addition to all the books and articles I had read before, getting myself prepared for the worst.
My upside down pear-shape uterus will take the shape of a canal during contractions.
The last stage of dilation, between 8 to 10cm dilation, can be the most painful time that can make my body feel exhausted, drained out of energy, and I won't have any appetite to eat to regain energy.
I might vomit. (This is something I dislike the most after feeling suffocated).
I might tear, get a swollen cervix.
I might get weak in my legs, get too tired to move, get dehydrated.
I might change my mind about pain management medicine too late.
I might get stressed out or really fearful.
There. I know now.
I have vomited before.
I have felt suffocated before.
I have been in pain before.
And I will die one day anyway.
I decided to stay open minded about whatever comes up. I am strong and it's OK to feel weak.  What I can control is stress and fear.  I will do my best.
I think I can do it. Enshala!  But I take your advise too if any.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Adult Conversation

Thanks to the school's "Kids' Night Out", M and I got to have 3 uninterrupted hours of adult conversation.  We chat about A some, even less about the baby girl.  Then talked about kitchen stuff, work, and the universe.  Like adults do when there is no kid around!  Gosh I had a good time just having a conversation with my M!!  Especially knowing with two kids, moments like this are going to become even more scarce.
Speaking of two kids, it was as if it dawned at me just today that we are going to become a family of four.  That suddenly feels too mature.  Something that feels a bit scary actually.
What is certain: life will change dramatically.  A change to embrace.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump: Sleepless Nights

Lately, I dread the sleeping hours.  There is no position I wont feel uncomfortable in the bed (already given up on feeling comfortable).  My bump is absolutely on the way, it presses on my weakened stomach and gives me heart-burn, and my hips pain under all the extra 42 lbs of weight they have to endure.  Plus I get hot and thirsty and if I drink water, there is no way I can get back to bed without even more acid reflux.
I have a body pillow to support my hips, I have a bottle of Thums beside my bed, and a couple pillows to prop my torso in a seated position when laying on the side wears out.  Yet, the combination of all don't help more than 2-3 hours.
Then, I just get up, pacing in the house, drink some water and pace some more, and eventually turning on my laptop and work some.  Or blog some.  Like now at 2:31AM while I have been up since 1:50AM.
I feel truly welcomed to the 9th month of pregnancy!

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Maternity Photography

This one was one that I was not too sure about.  In the end, we decided to do it.  After all, this might be our last chance with a bump and this bump, thank God, looks pretty nice.
It was a fun session actually despite my hesitations at first.  A tried to be a good sport and when not acting silly looked pretty awesome.  M seemed to have some fun too even though I know it was too long a session for him.
We will see our photos in two weeks.  In the mean time, I do recommend the experience.  I think timing it right is the key.  I wanted to have full round belly but not swollen hands.  So end of week 33 worked out pretty nicely, at least from a couple sneak peeks into the results.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Finding Baby Name

It's a huge deal for us; name of the baby. We like the name to be Persian, meaningful, strong, and global. We want it to pronounce well and mean good, at least not bad, in most common languages. We want it not to be too popular, too foreign, too old, too new. We want the name to have our parents approval in the end.  We want it to be short and sweet.
It's a project by itself.
I realized that we had more possible options with the name of my son compared to a girl's name. One theory I have is that Persian girls' names, even though meaningful and strong, but hard to pronounce in English. For example, some of my favorite names: Mehrangiz, Saghi, Shaghayegh.
There are several websites with name ranking and name meaning, and several forum asking for suggestions (not my kind of thing). But I found this website the best:
http://www.thinkbabynames.com/
It provides with the name's meaning, other names that rhyme with it, some statistics, and different  prononciation and spelling. What's really cool is that you can search for names that rhyme with another name, for example an older siniling's name.
It's a cumbersome yet fun project in the end. Kids deserve pretty and meaningful names. Good lunch finding yours!

Mom's Day Back Home

Happy Mother's Day to all moms! Many of my friends are moms now.  Amazing! Alhamdolella!
Above all, happy Mother's Day to my mom. For all her love and patience and wisdom I adore her for ever!

A Woman with a Bump - Rollercoaster Day

It was a strange day. I don't know when it started affecting me so hard.
I started a beautiful day feeling good. I was wearing a new maternity dress I had just bought even though only two more months remaining of my pregnancy. Needed a flowydress for these hot days. And got lots of compliment. Even "you are the most beautiful pregnant lady I've ever seen"!!:) so sweet a remark after the comment about me having twins.
But then I received an ungrateful review for one of my meetings.  It didn't affect me much at the time; I knew I had done my part and knew sometimes people can act selfish and demanding but the more it passed the deeper it hurt.  It was not a successful meeting and I think it was because of lack of communication and knowledge from the other party involved. But then suddenly it had become my fault!  Makes me wonder if it is like this everywhere.
I'm looking forward to reducing load and taking off for a while.  Soon enshala.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Coping

There are nine weeks remaining to my due date; I love having her within me for another nine weeks.
Yet I feel exhausted in my body lately.
I am trying to observe me and the changes within me, both emotionally and physically.
I am loving and nurturing my baby.  I try to talk to her sometimes and recently started reciting the holy verses to her.
I try to meditate, even if for two deep breaths.
I try to eat natural and that makes me feel good.
I am adding flower essences (rose or orange blossom) to my ice cold water and really enjoy the soothing sensation flowing in me.
The most challenging exercise in my coping is to not get angry.  I am observing this feeling and try to remain calm through it.
I am trying to finish my work commitments sooner, just in case.
There is still a lot to be done at home in preparation but I try to take care of them one by one.  Mainly, I am working on a couple lists.  But hopefully will find the time to execute them.
This pregnancy is allowing me to observe more consciously.  All is calm...

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Weight Gain

My body gained 52lbs during my first pregnancy.  I was not necessarily swollen, I do not recall.  But I was big.  Huge in the last few weeks.  This 52lb gain was after 5lbs loss in the first trimester.
They say for a woman with normal BMI, the healthy weight gain is 25-35lbs.
But there was nothing I could do to slow down the weight gain cause there was nothing I was doing to gain in the first place.  No particular overindulgence but lack of physical activities for sure, even though I swam once a week and walked when the snow storms on Toronto allowed and did yoga till 7th month.
I lost it all in the first 3 months post deliver.  I was back to where I was after that.  Granted, I stayed active.  And I cannot wait to be able to do a set of 20 jumping jacks again followed one of those 2 minutes ab works from Exercise TV.
This time, my body started gaining weight from the beginning of my pregnancy.  I do not appreciate the negative remarks about my body's form and weight gain to be honest.  I appreciate "you are a cute pregnant lady" though ;)  Which I do get a lot.  But last week a colleague asked about the week I am in, week 30th, and then asked if I had a twin!!  Interestingly her own body is on the heavy side.
In the past four weeks my body has gained only 2lbs, which is a record low since I routinely meet my doc.
Today in one of the many pregnancy magazines laying around the house I read that in the 3rd trimester the baby grows twice as tall and gains four times its weight.  Well.  Here we go!