Betraying Love

Difficult is the recognition
If someone believes in you or betraying you is their mission
Realize that there has never been a betrayal
But a mismatch of expectation
It might hurt to hear what was kept hidden
Yet, it leads to liberation
There is an inner most private place that allows reflection
The instinct for contemplation
In friendship, close your eyes
In love, caution

I do not Belong Here

It is a Halloween night.  I am staying home with a headache and a bitter taste in my mouth. I cannot wash it with however many candies I eat.  I eat nothing. I decide to do nothing too. Perhaps tomorrow is a new day with a fresh taste. It is only 7PM and a long time till the next day.  I have to kill the time. I think of watching a movie instead.  A break. A time away from all the thoughts and all the feelings. I blindly follow the recommendation on Netflix: Safe Haven. I have read the book a couple years ago. One of those airport-bought books to read at the airport and to recycle at the airport too.  She flees away from her house; she stops at a small town and soon settles there. She falls in love and she finds what she was looking for. She finds what she deserves. She finds where she belongs. That's where the movie ends. That's where my next day begins.

Harvest

Happy harvesting!

Ain't This Life?

"When destiny calls you

You must be strong"

 

The Fire Within

It burns but just the soul.

It has always been yet, except only for one or two people, no one cared to understand it. After all, it was burning, and it will burn. There apeared the risk.  It was intimidating.  Hence, keeping the distance, ignoring it, putting it off.  

As life happened it covered and faded its presence but never chilled.  It was just not to be revealed.  It silently exists.

Memories

She was sitting on a chair by the curbside after taking a long walk. She had her notebook open; a cup of tea that was almost chilled and a pen in her hand.   No word written.

The memories were faintly circulating in her head. She remembered how hard it was back in the time to think of those cheerful events and bright feelings as memories. She thought all would remain in her head as bright as the sunlight. But then the dust of time sat on her mind and she couldn't remember how she was feeling, thinking, comprehending.

All she had now was a notebook full of white papers and a head full of fainting memories.

Happy Wet Feet

By The Pacific Ocean

November 2007

By The Pacific Ocean

August 2013

He is growing too fast.

"Rome, Tehran, Tokyo"

In an ad campaign for Hilton Hotels, "Magnificent cities" was the description used by Don Draper for Rome, Tehran, and Tokyo in the same sequence in Mad Men, Season 3, Episode 9. 1963.

2013. Exactly 40 years later, and there is no more any Hilton Hotel in Tehran.  In fact, who would think about vacationing in Tehran except for Iranians and some very rare tourists?  Who would put magnificent and Tehran in the same sentence? How often would one think of Rome and Tehran at the same time?

Alas! I can't stop but wonder how the world could be if there still was a Hilton Hotel in Tehran. Perhaps I was still living there, just blocks away from  my beloved mom and sister. Perhaps the sky of the cities in the land of Persia was still blue and not hazy with dust. Perhaps Iran was listed in the drop down menu of Expedia. Perhaps my kids could read and comprehend Ferdowsi's poem yet I was not reciting it in my head dozens of times every day:

دريغ است ايران كه ويران شود

كنام پلنگان و شيران شود

Alas if Iran is destroyed

Alas if Iran is housed by leopards and lions

A Midnight Mocha

A late night hot dark chocolate added to an earthy South African coffee with extra foam, listening to the sound of waves crashing on the beach.

It feels safe and serene; kids tucked in their beds in the rooms not far from the porch. He is not too far either, just fast asleep drifting in his lala land.  His skin is hot and smooth covering his manly limbs.

She doesn't mind staying up the whole night, watching the midnight sky, listening to the ocean, and writing in her notebook.

Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted to travel far and explore wide. She started from Barcelona.

Walking the Past

She knew she had to leave.

It hurt to stay. It hurt to watch the unfolding of every moment. Every second was inspired by what went. To stay was to relive it every day.

She started walking away. Hoping for a fresh start somewhere, anywhere but not here.

But anywhere she looked was a reminder. A sweet reminder with bitter thoughts. It was hopeless.

She took a deep breath with her eyes closed. Made a few prayers pleading for a clean start accepting the past. Even cherishing it. And walked into the future.

Notes from a Woman with a Bump - Maternity Photography

This one was one that I was not too sure about.  In the end, we decided to do it.  After all, this might be our last chance with a bump and this bump, thank God, looks pretty nice.
It was a fun session actually despite my hesitations at first.  A tried to be a good sport and when not acting silly looked pretty awesome.  M seemed to have some fun too even though I know it was too long a session for him.
We will see our photos in two weeks.  In the mean time, I do recommend the experience.  I think timing it right is the key.  I wanted to have full round belly but not swollen hands.  So end of week 33 worked out pretty nicely, at least from a couple sneak peeks into the results.

A Woman with a Bump - Rollercoaster Day

It was a strange day. I don't know when it started affecting me so hard.
I started a beautiful day feeling good. I was wearing a new maternity dress I had just bought even though only two more months remaining of my pregnancy. Needed a flowydress for these hot days. And got lots of compliment. Even "you are the most beautiful pregnant lady I've ever seen"!!:) so sweet a remark after the comment about me having twins.
But then I received an ungrateful review for one of my meetings.  It didn't affect me much at the time; I knew I had done my part and knew sometimes people can act selfish and demanding but the more it passed the deeper it hurt.  It was not a successful meeting and I think it was because of lack of communication and knowledge from the other party involved. But then suddenly it had become my fault!  Makes me wonder if it is like this everywhere.
I'm looking forward to reducing load and taking off for a while.  Soon enshala.

One Head and One Thousand Dreams

One head and one thousand dreams.  That is how I can describe me lately.
I am still working on my registry list, what I need to take to the hospital, finalizing the hospital tour, baby girl's name, organizing back up nanny.  Then I am planning for A's birthday parties; like every year he is having a few parties with friends and family friends and families.  I am also preparing for my new hire, a new and welcomed challenge.  I am trying to finalize my work commitments which is, like always, never ending.
I was thinking today to write about my pregnancy a bit, in my own diary.  But my diary is private and this is the experience I would like to share with my kids...  Gosh!  Kids!!  Who knew I will have two.  Well, enshala.  So, here is my new endeavor: writing about pregnancy.

Reaching the Unreachable

Last night, I got to attend one of my spiritual circles I had not been able to attend since October and  I learned something really valuable from my companions on The Path.

I was struggling how to "live" The Path of servant-hood, worship, and total surrender living in the 20th century era in the silicon valley of all places with all the egos flying around.  I felt that it could be easy To Be and To Serve, and To Pray while living in a secluded garden and meeting only people of The Path, eating from fresh fruit of the garden, and witnessing the beauty of God in everything and everyone around me.  I had not chosen that life.  But rather this.

In the midst of this battle, I got reminded last night that The Path is not to reach a state of perfection but rather a movement toward it.  That every effort matters, even just to recognize one's nafs, one's ego, in a situation.  There are beauties in the ego; this life is to be lived and to live, ego is needed.  When among people, it matters to try to recognize the Face of God. When among egos, may be it matters to let the heart decide even if the ego acts.

"The star shows the way across desert sands and at sea
fix your eyes on the Star, for he is the one to be followed

Keep your eye on his face
don't stir up dust with discussions and arguments

you'll just veil the Star with that dust
The witnessing eye is better than the stumbling tongue

Be silent so he may speak who calms the dust--
he whose garment is Divine inspiration."

                         Mathnwi VI: 2641-2647
                          Translated by Kabir Helminski

Last Night - Odense - Denmark

I was impressed with Odense in this trip spending 3 nights here.  It is a calm and green city.  We walked from hospital back to hotel both today and yesterday which was a 30 minute walk.  This got us an opportunity to observe the city and the people a bit more closely.

The city is humid, and naturally green.  The buildings are mainly old but well maintained.  There are many strange status and fountains around the city.  People walk a lot, and bike a lot, even now which is winter time.  There are special bike bath everywhere and there are many Christiana's Bikes around the city, some even carry their kids and baby's in the front cabin.

It seems like the handy crafts are still valuable here.  I observed a sewing shop with many sewing machines and people working on them.  And many many yard shops.  Apparently people knit a lot here because they were all very crowded too.  Also wood works and straw utensils abundant in the shops.  Kids appear relax and I found groups of kids chatting or walking or even sitting in a cafe having a snack by themselves.  No sign of paranoia as I am used to observe in kids in US.

People are not rushed.  They walk and bike and leisurely go through the shops.  I was impressed how the cafes were crowded, always parties of two or more, and all the time chatting!  I observed many women groups.  It was real fun to watch. In the restaurants and cafes waiters and waitresses are friendly but they do not smile.  And they wont check on you unless you ask for it.

I did not see many foreign looking people I must say.  Even though one of the neurosurgeons in the hospital is actually Persian. But not many black-haired people in the street I must say.

All in all, after a work assignment accomplished successfully and satisfactorily, I am happy with the city and ready to leave for Paris tomorrow.
.

A Business Trip to Denmark

Got upgraded from San Francisco to Frankfurt: My first First Class experience.  Indeed more convenient!!

I have been traveling by care and plane and train for almost 22 hours now with very little time on the ground. When I stand up I feel like I am still moving actually.  But finally I am in Odense, Denmark.  We met with two other colleagues for a quick and rather bland dinner at a cafe 30 feet from the hotel.  There is mist in the air which is a fine experience after many rains back home lately.

My body is really tired but my brain doesn't want to shut down.  I had to work some too after dinner but thankfully it was a fruitful experience although made me even more alert.

I got to watch a movie and another half a movie in the first leg of my travel.  I jot down some quick notes in the plane about them.

Hope Springs (2012)
Meryl Streep was as lovely as ever and had a nice performance and like always, reminded me of my dear G.K.
While watching, however, I found tears in my eyes. After 10 minutes into the movie I was asking myself why I was watching this. It was about an unhappy dull marriage of 31 years. The couple were used to routines of a bland life and even had separated bedrooms. They were essentially sharing a house but not a life.  But the lady, the old woman in the movie, she wanted a "marriage"; she wanted to be kissed. She wanted to make love and feel wanted. She loved her husband but all that dullness had made her wonder about the vows.
She wanted a new marriage. She decided to give it a last shot and enrolled in "an intense marriage counseling" in a remote town in Main that cost her $4000 of her savings.

At one session in the counseling when she was not accompanied by her husband she said she was lonely but she was not sure if she would feel the same if she was alone.

Granted, at one odd moment towards the end of the movie among the wife's disappointments the husband realized how he was losing her, finally! And things got happy again.

Again. They were happy at first it seemed. They wanted each other.  But they had lost it in the process.

That is the odd irony that made me cry I guess.

Liberal Arts (2012)

Didn't get to watch it through and now it feels like a lingering thought thinking about it.

A 35 year old guy living a dull life in New York is summoned back to his alpha mater college in Ohio to the retirement party of his favorite prof. It was funny how the movie "showed" his feeling about being back to a place he used to dream anything was possible as a college boy. A college girl he meets is talkative and spontaneous. She is talking about a class she took last year "that changed her life". Yeah! I remember those days. Those that lives could be changed; those days bloated with possibilities.

All the ideas in the young minds. All the idealism.

I miss that!

Not that my college years at IUT were anywhere close to the liberty of this college in Ohio. Far from it on the outside. Note also that I was studying engineering and these are liberal arts students with art and novels and music. Yet, we had lots of fresh ideas too, and sky was the limit when I was in college as well. We had books that changed our lives and music that motivated us to be creative.

 Music indeed changes ones perspective of the same thing.

There was Phantom ad on a bus in one scene in New York.  And the dude found the he loved opera.

To be continued after/if I watched the whole movie.

And the bell rang 12 times.  I better try to get some shut eyes even if not shut brain. Godnat as they would say in Denmark.

Change of Plans

I was hoping to make a short trip to Lake Tahoe to ski or hike or relax or work some, based on the moods. But most of the people preferred to go to Las Vegas instead. Longer drive now and less variety of activities. It's hard for me to imagine working there but I have to.
Now, if we were in Tahoe, I suppose most people would go skiing and a couple would go to a casino. I, however, cannot ski right now, both because of a stiff shoulder lately and, mmm, because I'm expecting :) So, I would take my book and laptop and would sit by a fireplace in a local coffee shop. I'd get me a cup of hot cocoa and work a few hours. Then I'd get a sandwich and a cup of tea and read my book until the family comes back. Perhaps even if I have time will take a stroll around the block and look at the local shops for a small souvenir. That's at least what I like to think about right now.
PS: for the few hours I slept so far I was dreaming about A and his presents. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve and A

This is a unique Christmas eve at our house. For the first time in A's life we are actually home. Add to that the fact that my dad and stepmom are here and my siste S and brother-inlay are arriving from Canada in an hour enshala.  On top of this all we have a Christmas tree and lots of presents.

I have tried imagining A a few times waking up to,or row and opening all the presents that are his.  He was worried that someone would stay up past midnight tonight and Santa doesnt show up. We assured him before putting him to bed that we will make sure all is quiet at home by midnight.

I am glad he can imagin all the magic. I think this will help him undesrtand later on that not all he sees is real and not all he cannot see is unreal. It's essentially a philosophical teaching in addition to developing his imagination.

Merry Christmas to all who believe and all that can imagine!

The Story of Two Books

A chilly autumnal afternoon, a sweetened cup of tea, a pair of slippers, a blanket, and two books.  And such a contrast!
I am reading Shirin and Khosrow's story from Nezami's book of poems, of course in Farsi.  The story goes back centuries and this version is from about 800 years ago.  Nezami starts the book with praising God and thanking him for giving him the talent to write.  The he talks about love.  Oh!  Such an amazingly lovely depiction of love.  Finally after praising the prophet and the king and all he starts the story of Khosrow. Such mystery!  Such beauty!  Such elegance in his words!  What is the most apparent to me this time (every time I read a book I find a new appearance) is its simple purity and its pure simplicity.  How fortunate I feel to be able to read and comprehend Farsi for such treasures in our literature!
I am reading Picture if Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde, from 1890.  I must say, I am enjoying the writing.  And I am most curious to know where it all ends.  The emphasis by Lord Henry Wotton on beauty and fulfillment of senses is interesting to me.  And the helplessness in Dorian admitting to impermanence of beauty.
In both books there are much depictions of the apparent beauties: faces, hair, bodies.
Both books refer to lust, a lot.
Yet, the former book has a sense of love in it the latter lacks.  Hence, it feels more moral, more humane even perhaps.
No conclusion yet though, as I am still in the middle of both books.  Perhaps, to be continued.

Old Old Songs

Old old songs are those that in my parent's collections were called "old songs".  Just for the sake of it!




Darvish, Golpa