sweet acquaintance

I was in the parking lot walking towards the preschool to pick up A. There was a very young girl carried by her dad. As soon as she saw me she told him "oh, that is A's mom". Wasn't I flattered?

bruised

There was a day when nothing would break. Nothing that would break shattered. Nothing that would shatter mattered.

It was a common practice to forget those things that weren't worth remembering.

Being able to forget is a blessing!

I am waiting for the turn of the moment...

Stary night

It was still wet from an earlier rain fall but the sky was all clear now. She was walking back home. Her head towards the vast night sky. It was refreshing to look at the stars after several cloudy nights of showers and rain. It was refreshing to smell the secret scent of spring. A new beginning was just around the corner.

Determination

There are pictures of my teachers on the net. They have been posted there for a few months now and somehow I got to watch them tonight.
I look at her, my math teacher, her style, her eyes, her lips. She was always the symbol of self assurance to me. A person who knew who she was; she was who she wanted to be.
I look at them all. Some have grown much older than I remembered. They are happy though. All happy to be invited back to school I suppose. It was years ago, a decade ago that I was in that school. Studying to go to college, to dream about the future I have made myself today. Of course all along I had God directing me alhamdolellah!
I suddenly feel a deep agony to want to be back at school again. To wake up in the morning and go to school as if it was all that was to do in the world. To be with the friends I had to be with every day, for a whole year, for seven whole years!
This world is just a passing scene. Has always been, and will always be.
I think about her and her determination. Always and always. I would tell her when I meet here. I would tell her if I meet her, ever again.

"chaay e debsh"

She was on facebook when I logged in. So we chat and after quite a long time being away from each other I had a great time. Any time I remembered our conversation today I was smiling.
I know her for a long time now. I really got to know her in high school. Then she went to another city, later I left for another country. She is now living in yet another country. And I don't know when or if or where I will meet her again. It was great never the less to talk to her, just like before. And as she said, our friendship made for a great conversation to have over a real tea break.

She

I found A at preschool walking in his classroom with a blue "Hello Kitty" purse on his shoulder. I asked what that was to which he replied "it is my backpack". I said "it is a purse and it is for girls". He asked "but why?". I could not help but wonder how to respond to this question: Because it is the social norm??

Driving home A inquired about his "pretty moon". "Where can she be?" he asked. I could not help but smile at his imagination giving the moon a feminine personality.

After after all

After all, I have a M to fix me up, I have a sister S to call me, I have an A to sing to to sleep, I have a colleague to text me twice, I have a mom to leave me a message, I have a friend to buy me what I needed and bring it over, all before the night is over.
Here is to end the night at a high note ...

After all

After all, when there is a night of restless sleeping, there is no family to go to for comfort the next day.
After all, it is only you and me to talk to, about any thing and every thing, whether or not you want to listen.
After all, there is no home more suitable than yours, the one you =can always dine at impromptu.
After all, when something irritates you, you have to deal with it all by yourself. There is no one to take a break with, go shopping with, tell silly stories to laugh with, or just silently sit down and watch a movie with only to forget for a couple hours.
After all, we are immigrants here!

Hafiz

I got to translate Hafiz for two friends. A very odd experience. I loved it!

I am facing a great dilemma in my life, yet again. I keep bouncing between a calm and serene state to a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions. I am calm thinking of Shaikh Kabir and Molana (Mevlana), to surrender, to stay present with my heart, let go, and float. I am totally evil though thinking about my red coworker.

Speaking of red: Gene gave us a self assessment test once in the class in which it divided people in three different categories: Red, Blue, Green. It turned out I was red: a take charge wanting to lead person. His main advise to the whole class: if you are a manager and have two reds in your team make sure to clearly define their territories or you will have constant battle in your team. It seems a common management knowledge and I am surprised how managers do not know it! I have a red coworker who is in my hair almost every day. And I have decided to choose my battles and not let go of what I think I want to win, at least to a good extent. This is the devil in me speaking!

I drove an orange Challenger today, with a manual transmission!! I enjoyed it so much! I did not kill the engine even once even though I had not driven a gear shift for more than 10 years now. I accelerated fast enough to get to the fifth gear, and did I mention I was wearing orange, just for the occasion ;) MH is going to let me drive his car again. I so look forward to it.

We had a couple earthquakes that were felt in the course of the past two days. I am not sure what is going on underneath but I pray to God to take care of my A and M in any stronger event as such. It is scary to think about being away from them at these moments.

I took A to his pediatrician for his regular flu shot today. We debated the subject a lot with M and finally gave in to the idea. A was such a brave boy! He got a yellow lollipop and a strawberry Jumba Juice, his favorite treat. I had left work for the matter so I got online in a coffee shop to check my e-mails while A was enjoying his Jumba Juice and I was sipping on my latte. It made us a neat Friday afternoon. I was home at 4:30 which was yet again a long lost experience. Isn't it exciting that I loved to study our preclinical plan in my spare time waiting for the nurse to call A though? I am grateful for such a job I am so passionate about. No wonder my red colleague brings up the devil in me!

A's favorite book at the moment: "Dr Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham". He has it memorized. And he is intrigued with the idea that I used the phrases in the book to encourage him try a new food. He uses that back at me now.

I am going to Santa Cruz again tomorrow night enshaalaa. And I am taking a couple friends with me this time: EE and MGAP. I don't know why but I feel proud. There are a couple nice souls there in our Circle who want to learn to read Persian. That is also exciting.

acting

I was singing an old song for A while acting the verbs for him. The song was about the benefits of taking showers and safety issues related to being in the bath tub. He giggled and laughed at my acts the way he used to do when he was a baby. And exactly like that era when the song was over he demanded: "again - again".

2010

I wish you a very beautiful 2010!

I wish for a year filled with peace and health and justice and compassionate for the whole world!

The holidays are coming to an end. Strangely I have the feeling of end of summer, or end of eid holidays, when I had to get prepared to go to school again. A rather somber feeling I did not expect myself to experience again. The good news is that there are still two more days left before the whole new working year begins. And I am resolute to make my career advancement happen this year.

I wrote a few of my resolutions for the year to come on Wednesday afternoon, lying on a hotel bed in Santa Barbara; some thing I do every year. The next day, playing with A by a beautiful fountain in down town I got interviewed for my resolutions. I shared a few and today I found them along with my name in Santa Barbara News Press 01 JAN 10! It is a strange feeling being published, especially when it was all impromptu.

It was nice being away for the new year. Although A slept about four hours before the new year and we spent those hours in the hotel. A has grown much wiser. He talks very politely lately, at least most of the time. He has grown much taller too. He reads newer books now, so sweetly. And he talks with his toys so amusingly.

I hope to get to visit my whole family this year!

HAPPY 2010!

Aashura: Here and There

Here we made some shole zard. I wore black. A wore navy. We rode to the mosque. It was Zohr prayer time when we got there. A snitched a couple mohrs for me from the men's side as there were none left in the women's side. We prayed. All of us Pakistanis and Afghans and Arabs and Iranians and Americans. Then we sent our regards and peace to Imam Hossein and his companions. We prayed for his mercy on us. We had Aash and listened to a few speeches. We did not meet any of our friends there. We left the mosque to the park. A played there while I laid on a bench watching the seagulls and ever changing clouds. Then we played together in the sand box and finally left for home getting ready for our guests. We prepared meals and tidied the living room. We had dear companies for dinner; NA and MZ. We had a good time eating and talking.
M started browsing the net. I joined him to watch photos and videos from there. It was Aashura there too. People were supposedly making shole zard and inviting each other to drinks and meals. People were doing all that I know. And people were protesting too. People were praying but also shouting and screaming, being beaten and beating. People were killed too.
Here we are feeling desperate and guilty for feeling safe.

December 25th

So it is Christmas day, 20o9. Two thousands and nine years ago Jesus Christ was born to St Mary. It sounds really majestic and holy.

Merry Christmas to Every One!

This is the second day of the holidays in our house. Every day we wake up with nothing urgent to be done. A seems really content and we all cherish these days. We are meeting with relatives and friends. This morning I am trying to make a traditional Jello Salad. Just wrapped A's present and the other ones we had bought for our relatives' kids.

During the past few days we received and gave cards and gifts which was sweet and heartwarming. There was one gift that I later realized was really a "giving tin". We were supposed to enjoy the content of the tin, then fill it up with new gifts and give it away. I really liked the idea which was from my CTL. I filled it already and am ready to give it away today. I hope to find a total stranger for this task!

And as always I am reading books, a few at the time. One is my Holy Book with a translation Sheikh Kabir approves of, one is on the subject of management, the other is a story book by my beloved Alice Munro, and the smart book of "Good to Great" SS once recommended. One of them that I read a chapter of every day is called "The Fragrance of Faith" by Jamal Rahman. Such a beautiful soul and name! Each chapter of his book is only a few pages and at the end of some of the chapters there is a section called "reflection" which is usually a few sentences. I was reading a chapter named "Amal" this morning. In the reflection it reads "Practice sending light from your heart to the heart of every human soul you meet ... . This awakens and expands the Light in you". He writes as if we already know how to send light from our heart, as if we know the Light, as if we readily have access to our hearts. I honor his faith in us!

meat grinder

I met MM last week over lunch. He wanted to explain a financial matter for which he used the example of the meat grinder. How at first it seems the output does not seem to match the input and the quality does not feel right. But suddenly it starts flowing good quality ground meat.
I was thinking later it is so true about most adversities in life. At first you feel you are just putting effort, spending your thoughts, providing your emotions, and you do not get the smooth result you are after. But by God there is relieve after adversity.

Staycation

So, not going away means we are going to celebrate the holidays at home and with friends. We are so excited to have company. Especially for the Xmas day and eve. I am thinking about all the possibilities and planning and enjoying my thoughts.

Here is what Gene, my management course prof, wrote us today in an e-mail:
"You win some, you loose some".
Well, nothing new. But in the position I am in time and place it was such a calming phrase.

I was chatting with my mom, the wisest woman I know. Talking about my new challenges at work working with a particular colleague her recommendation was "not to predict his response". So simple, right? "Zero expectation".

December

I am officially one year older now.
So the big day has come and gone and here I am, experiencing a new one.
It is interesting how the holidays are also approaching but I do not necessarily feel like slowing down. There are a lot to be done at home and work and this year the holidays seem to just add to the stress involved. May be that is because we are not planning to go away any where. But I am hopeful still.
A has been very fascinated with Xmas trees. I am thinking about getting him one next year.

Occupation

It was the first time A declared what he wanted to be when he grew up: A teacher.

Contemplation

It is this time of the year again for me. I have been experiencing it for decades now. And there has rarely gone a single year since I started logging in my diaries that I have not written some thing in contemplation of the year that is coming to an end and the expectations I have for my new year. I need to spend an hour with me tomorrow... Just finished an essay that was lingering above my head for a few days to make tomorrow night a free night. This time was spent to the expense of my gym hour, I have only 25 minutes left. I am heading there now...

PS: the essay is related to the first course of the management certificate program I recently started at UC Berkeley Extension. It is a totally new experience and I am really enjoying it. I am paying a big tole of my free time for it too.

Leaf

There were leaves covering the whole pathway, the gold yellow star and heart shape leaves. The pathway wound around a pound, there were ducks silently swimming in the cold water. She found herself calm and content after the long run she had finished thinking about her dreams, her desires, her never possible wishes. She loved the runs, the physical intensity of those personal hours of the week that let her alone, ponder on any thing. She found herself daydreaming while cooling down walking around the pound. The dream she had last night was so strange, so intangible, so wild. She had been missing the past. And she knew exactly what she was missing. That knowledge made her smile at the dream. She picked up a heart shape leaf and put it on the still water of the pound, let it float, and left.

The Hills

The sun had disappeared behind the western hills. She was driving east and north towards another set of hills. The reflection of the setting sun in the sky had lit the wrinkles of the hills in a totally different way. It seemed as if there was no light but at the same time the hills were shaded, gray, purple, green.
She was driving up hill when the music in the car turned into a calming flamenco. And there was God in the orange and purple sky.