dependable

The only earthly figure I can always and always count on; to accept me, to be with me, to comfort me, to understand me, to advise me, to love me, to blame me, to be proud of me, to calm me down, to let me cry when I need a shoulder, to be wise when I need to be crazy, to cry with me, to listen to me, to not listen to me... That figure is my mom ...

Meteor Shower

It was decided upon early in the evening: we were going to head to highway Seventeen, my most favorite highway in the area, after the dark. A was excited to watch whatever we were excited about, and he knew they were to come at night. He got dressed almost by himself and did not make any objection about brushing his teeth before we left. We drove towards the mountains on the South; where it seemed far away from the light of the city we took an exit and stopped at yet another side road. Standing by the car I laid on the side door supporting my neck on the roof; we could have used a convertible very nicely tonight!
The night sky was so beautifully vast and infinite; All the worries could lift towards the end of the world. The smell and sound of the night, the chirping of the crickets near and far, the presence, all was calming. I got to see three beautiful meteoroids and got very excited, laughing and clapping like a child. M saw five but A did not even realize what all the excitement was about after all. He fell asleep in the car on the way back and I wonder what he would be dreaming about tonight.

Sharing

He ran to me and very explicitly and loudly and confidently explained: "Mommy! I got upset when this and that happened". Oh was I happy!

Alef Baa (ABC)

She had not changed at all. She was still standing tall as if she was standing in front of the class, and talked strong as if teaching. She had her smile and her very kind yet firm voice.
I was speechless. I was some how not totally at ease to show my feelings towards her. When she hugged me I could cry, and when we shook hands goodbye I could bend over and kiss her hand in appreciation.
I love her so. She taught me how to read and how to write, she taught me how to sit and how to follow a schedule. She taught me how to count. She is my first grade teacher. I found her after decades, here, in bay area, and I am so grateful for the visit.

Fulfilling

"Finish the task you started the best way you can. There is no replacement for experience. You earn it and no one can take it away from you."
This is a depiction of the words conveyed to me yesterday by a total stranger. It was exactly what I needed at the moment.
You are taken care of...

Summer

I am yearning for the summer days as they were when I was still at home with my parents. The cool breeze of AC in the silent pregnant afternoons when my parents were having a nap and my siblings were either resting or silently working in their rooms. I would put on some music in low volume or use my headset to listen to good ones really loud and then sit behind my desk by the window and start sketching. There was a summer I started sketching faces; I loved the face of a boy kid I drew, his eyes were very innocent and his lips so baby like. Then another summer I was mesmerized by horses, heads, and then full bodies, and a painting I finished of a mother and baby horse in front of a barn. I liked this one very much with the mother horse showing such strong legs and solid stand and determined gaze. Later I started sketching feelings; How I felt at the moment and it was so liberating.
I have missed the smell of good quality color pencils.
There was time to read. There was time to work on an English essay. There was time to go out with sisters and friends or to chat with brothers or to bake a cake. I have missed those free days profoundly.
There is still a lot I like to do and I cannot believe or accept that finding time is a challenge.

Ruby World

This morning I had the pleasure of having a call from SK. We talked for an hour I think, or more, and it felt great! I have known SK for the past twenty two years. She is an amazing friend, wise and charming.

---

We had no plans for this Saturday other than cleaning the house and laundry and ironing and cooking. This is not exactly true, we were going to celebrate our anniversary this Saturday which we ended up not to. Surprisingly though in the end of the day we ended up in Berkeley, impromptu, at 8 PM, to attend a performance by World of Ruby with Kabir and Camille's presence, all three of us. I proposed the idea to M some time after 6PM after listening to my friend's message of invitation and to my pleasing astonishment he did not protest at all!

I love Berkeley, the atmosphere there, the small cluttering houses, the narrow boulevards. We got to the Freight and Salvage Coffee Shop wondering if we could have A with us. The manager was kind and inviting and suggested he would bring A crayons if needed and he would not be charged. We found ourselves sitting rather at the back. A was all silent and attending for the first 40 minutes, then we started becoming creative with cakes and cookies, and after the intermission the crayons came to the rescue.

I really enjoyed the music and the presense I always feel being with Kabir. M liked the performances and meeting Kabir. A seemed to enjoy it too, he was a lovely boy: behaving greatly, greeting people politely, and introducing himself with a charming manner. We were proud. On the way back we enjoyed a double burger at Wendy's drive through as the anniversary dinner ;) The beautiful part was the small chocolate frosty, some thing resembling a true anniversary, at least for me.

Universal Studios

I liked it!
I want to experience it fully with M and A.
I love Hollywood and the movies and the behind the scenes and the stages and the sound effects and every thing. So there was a lot to like there. I liked the feeling of being there. It was a nice experience.
I found out, again, that my family is not my parents any more; there was an era a day away from them was hardly bearable. But now my family is M. And to A, his family is us, now, only for a while. We better cherish this being his family for now. Otherwise soon he will also have his own family whom he will miss if he spends a day away from them and with us. Strange double standard!

Before Sunset Waltz

L.A.

We just arrived, we being my dad and Mitra and myself. No M or A hence all is far away from ideal. We are in our hotel rooms supposedly resting. I drove for 6 hours and feel tired.
My last hotel stay was in W hotel in Montreal, QC just a couple weeks ago; a totally different experience!
I have already missed home.

The Resurrection Day

“If one kills an innocent person it is as if one has killed all of mankind.”

The girl is in the street.
The girl is shot. A killer shots her.
She falls on the ground.
A man is by her side. The man witnesses her getting shot and falling on the ground. The man witnesses her wound. The man pushes on her wound in the hope to stop the blood. Blood oozes out of her mouth and nose and ears and eyes. Her face is covered with her blood. The blood comes from her heart. The man is shocked.
The man screams. The man witnesses death. He closes his eyes and shouts. The man stops; it is all silent around him; all he can see in his closed eyes is her face, her face covered by the blood that comes out of her heart. He opens his eyes. There is nothing but blood.
The mother relies on her, depends on her, loves her. The mother lives her. The girl is shot. The girl is dead.
The fiance talks to her every night. Her sight sooths him and her words delight him. There is no word tonight. The girl’s mouth is filled by her blood.
The brother looks at her as an achiever, as a person of her word, as a pillar of trust. The pillar of trust is covered with blood.
The father takes pride in the girl. The father looks at her face and his eyes are smiling. The father looks at her face; the face is covered with blood. The father’s eyes are crying.
The girl is waiting at the gate of Heaven. She is waiting for her killer to die. Surely he will die. And when she meets him again, she will claim her blood from his filthy hands. She is not claiming her life. She is claiming her mother’s broken back; she is claiming his father’s bitter sorrow; she is claiming his brother’s mistrust in the world; she is claiming her fiance’s dreams; she is claiming her children, those who never were born, she is claiming the man’s nightmare of death.
She is claiming all mankind's right!

Father's Day

It is going to be a special father's day in our house tomorrow. Not only we will celebrate the day for M, a wonderful dad I can testify to for ever and ever, my dad is going to arrive at our place at the same day! A is already excited for the occasion although I am not sure if he comprehends the occasion fully. We have prepared gifts and I am planning to bake (ironically) Grandma VI's Coffee Cake. Also to cook M's favorite dinner which I am sure my dad will like too.

I am both excited and a bit anxious. Since I have married, since I have had a home I am the lady of, this is the first time my dad is going to come to my house, and will stay for a couple weeks. All is so very exciting and anticipating and worrisome and happy.

Happy Father's Day to All the Wonderful Dads!

Silence

...

These Days

• A lot is going on with the upcoming election in Iran. Things look not very promising and it gets to my heart listening to the lies. God have Merci on us!
• I learnt a new side in me: I can tolerate a lot of bad going on about me, but my tolerance towards A being harmed is close to zero. I found myself acting like a female lion, furious, knowing that A was picked on at preschool. A did not seem to be sad at all, but I could cry.
• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: An interesting idea about a person being born old and growing young
• Revolutionary Road: The dialogues were mine and that was very very amazing to listen to. I cannot relate to the conclusion fully but the idea was exactly something I have been struggling with: life
• Taken: A movie about human traffic that is ongoing even at this very moment. Unreal action, successful suspense, and sad
• Nick and Nora's Infinite Play list: A cheesy movie about a few teens, laughed at them a lot
• The Reader: A different movie, interesting relationship between a teenager and an older woman; interesting pride
• Antonia's Line: Brilliant!
• Slumdog Millionaire: Absolutely engaging and sad
• Vicki Cristina Barcelona: Loved it!
• And so many other movies I will try to write about later

Earth, Rain, Heaven

It is raining. A cold rain that makes her shiver. She is all wet, a big drop of water falls from her hair once in a while. She does not mind at all it seems. She is walking with her head down to earth, her eyes following her feet, and her feet following all the puddles of water. Things seem too complicated now, too hard to comprehend, and the rain seems the tiniest matter of focus. Or is it? She suddenly lifts up her head to the sky. She cannot keep her eyes open under the rain drops, but manages at last with a hard squinch. It seems as if the whole sky has opened up and each and every drop is falling aiming at her, as if she is the center of it all...
She smiles at the heavens.

No Description

Family rollercoaster

Throwing the spoon: steaming
Finishing his meal at the table: pleasant

Another accident: disappointing
Running to bathroom and finishing the job all by himself: prideful

Screaming for his desirous mater: painful
Talking politely with a tilted head: lovable

Throwing the toy train: unwatchable
Cleaning up after his play: rejoicing

Reading a book out loud by himself: lovely
Waking up singing: sweat
Running to you to tell all about cracking his egg all by himself: endearing
Paddling a bend flawlessly: prideful
Show desire to learn: hopeful
Arranging the silverware on the table: adorable
Saying hi to the cashier lady: nice
A: the whole definition of LOVE

Other's Opinion

I got a couple minutes to browse the Globe and Mail newspaper that was left for me on Saturday before checking out of my room this morning. A red shoe picture caught my attention on top of one of the pages that read “Your Feet Will Love You Page 7”. So I turned to page seven where in the middle of the page there was The Weekend Horoscope. I though it might be fun to check what the stars had to tell me “this weekend”. And here is what I found under Sagittarius: “Other people’s ideas and opinions may have a lot to commend them but your own are so much better. They may at times be a little bit out of the ordinary but that’s part of the attraction – others expect you to be different, even outrageous. Don’t disappoint them.” Oh I started laughing by myself in reference to my last post regarding the other people’s opinion and how it had gotten in to my nerve and how M and SK and VH were actually very much encouraging towards my own ideas. I think I should be happy again with my outrageous ideas despite others :)

Fun Vancouver

My feet have blisters now but I still need to wear my high hills tomorrow. The practicum was very good today. This is amazing how I get to talk to interesting people in these kind of venues. I had to confess about the age of my son, the duration of my marriage, another confession I will not note here, and my age to a 26 year old. In the end of the day an opinion of a person made me thoughtful, not very much fun. I talked about it with M when I got back to the hotel and got nothing but support and yet I was sad, so I realized I had missed some thing badly and then decided to listen to "going to Ca". It was amazing how soothing it was! I am really living in another era being addicted to such old classics! It was nice though that SHK, who is one year younger than I am, was listening to one of my favorite old old songs when I got into his car last night to go to his parents' place; he also knew Led Zeppelin and he recognized the ring tone of my cell phone: niaaz. So I am not the only one enjoying the old themes. I find art in them, and some thing I cannot fully explain.

I had dinner with SK and VH tonight; sharing the rotten opinion I had heard earlier and chatting with old friends were really calming. We walked in Stanley Park for more than an hour; I was wearing my sneakers which made me yearning to run but I did not. Very beautiful park by the way which resembled the park side of Zenderoud River to me and I could enjoy an ice cream there... Next time when I will be here with M hopefully, and A can have a blue scoop if he wanted...

Later in the evening I got out again to meet my second cousin. She is a very nice lady who reminded me of another second cousin... Family is really precious!

From Vancouver

I got here in the mid afternoon to attend a two-day practicum over the weekend. Vancouver looks like a beautiful city so far. My hotel is by the Fraser River harbor and at check in the receptionist decided to promote my room and gave me a harbor-facing room with a lovely view. On the other side of the river there are mountains and on the top of the further summits you can detect white snow. I am truly enjoying it with a big chunk missing: M&A.

I got to meet my second cousin BKH and his family tonight; we had only talked on the phone before and he always sounded very warm and friendly and he truly was, so was his wife. I got to meet his son and his daughter-in-law who are in the same age range as I am. I loved them all. I also met their friend who was visiting from Ottawa, PJ, a very interesting guy who could speak Xhosa.

I had forgotten how polite and friendly Canadians are.